I feel weird for being 22 and not too concerned about sex

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I had joined a site called Fetlife not too long ago. Its basically Facebook but purely for talking about sex and engaging with others about it. I was on and off about it but eventually was like "fuck it I'll try it". For the most part it was interesting. But I slowly saw my mental health declining. I have always sought after relationships and hookup as an unhealthy desire to escape my mental health and decided to be honest. I felt like not engaging much and openly told people I was talking to I am not ready instead of just ghosting. In way I feel a desire to be with a person, but I also now I am not in a healthy mental state to commit to anyone. I feel at 22 I am running out of time while some of my friends are younger and are already in committed relationships. I feel so jealous lol

Also I hope this topic is not too innapropriate. This is my first time talking about this. I am so embarrassed lol.

 

[ocd is bad]

I understand a lot of this, I'm in my early 20s and I almost never think about sex, I don't know if there's something wrong with me or something. I wouldn't be against being in a relationship but I don't think I'd want to have casual sex.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I understand a lot of this, I'm in my early 20s and I almost never think about sex, I don't know if there's something wrong with me or something. I wouldn't be against being in a relationship but I don't think I'd want to have casual sex.

I relate to this. I used to have casual sex a lot and looking back I regretted it. it was short term pleasure which added to long term trauma. A lot of the people I was with were damaged which lead to abuse on both sides. Though I was victim at times to blatant sexual harassment/assault.

These days I need to have trust. Thanks to abuse I am so fucked I want to die everyday and say "fuck you" to the universe for failing me

 

[Joey]

I can see where you getting at and nah don't be to embarrassed, lots of people are like that too.

Don't worry on how you're thinking that you're running out of time because it's really easy to get caught up in the wrong relationship and then having things make it worse. I'm not stopping you and feel free to take the risk because life is all about taking risks.

Be careful and play it smart! Make mistakes and learn, it's the only way to grow!

I relate to this. I used to have casual sex a lot and looking back I regretted it. it was short term pleasure which added to long term trauma. A lot of the people I was with were damaged which lead to abuse on both sides. Though I was victim at times to blatant sexual harassment/assault.

These days I need to have trust. Thanks to abuse I am so fucked I want to die everyday and say "fuck you" to the universe for failing me

Damn ._.

 

[SoIntoYou]

I masturbate a lot to porn and I think there are some advantages.
1. It's easy (if you have privacy). No dating or effort required
2. There's variety. Not just one partner. Things don't get old and boring
3. You don't have to worry about pleasing someone else
4. No long term contractual constructs to oblige
5. Pleasure without having to be attractive
6. **Satisfies sexual desire, making it easier to make friends with the opposite sex**
I know there are some disadvantages to masturbation only lifestyles but I've had the luxury of experiencing both lifestyles, and I strongly prefer the one. Also, this could be completely different for females since I am not a female, the mechanisms of pleasure are different, and because pornography is strongly geared toward men.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I masturbate a lot to porn and I think there are some advantages.
1. It's easy (if you have privacy). No dating or effort required
2. There's variety. Not just one partner. Things don't get old and boring
3. You don't have to worry about pleasing someone else
4. No long term contractual constructs to oblige
5. Pleasure without having to be attractive
6. **Satisfies sexual desire, making it easier to make friends with the opposite sex**
I know there are some disadvantages to masturbation only lifestyles but I've had the luxury of experiencing both lifestyles, and I strongly prefer the one. Also, this could be completely different for females since I am not a female, the mechanisms of pleasure are different, and because pornography is strongly geared toward men.

I do masturbate from time to time. Though not as often as I used to (which was nearly everyday lol). I also used to watch porn and hentai but now I just see porn as super fake and inauthentic. There is amateur porn but, honestly, in person sex is so much better. However I am not the one to "look" for anyone and in this time of COVID I am extra wary lol

I can see where you getting at and nah don't be to embarrassed, lots of people are like that too.

Don't worry on how you're thinking that you're running out of time because it's really easy to get caught up in the wrong relationship and then having things make it worse. I'm not stopping you and feel free to take the risk because life is all about taking risks.

Be careful and play it smart! Make mistakes and learn, it's the only way to grow!

Damn ._.

Yeah mistakes are the way to grow. However I think I made many mistakes already lol. These days I like to be careful with people in general

Yeah life hasn't been great to me. My whole story is a train wreck that has me wanting to kill myself in seconds

 

[KleinerWolf]

I had joined a site called Fetlife not too long ago. Its basically Facebook but purely for talking about sex and engaging with others about it. I was on and off about it but eventually was like "fuck it I'll try it". For the most part it was interesting. But I slowly saw my mental health declining. I have always sought after relationships and hookup as an unhealthy desire to escape my mental health and decided to be honest. I felt like not engaging much and openly told people I was talking to I am not ready instead of just ghosting. In way I feel a desire to be with a person, but I also now I am not in a healthy mental state to commit to anyone. I feel at 22 I am running out of time while some of my friends are younger and are already in committed relationships. I feel so jealous lol

Also I hope this topic is not too innapropriate. This is my first time talking about this. I am so embarrassed lol.

Committed relationships for now LOL
You'd be surprised how many people break up.

I feel like for girls sex is sometimes taken more seriously since it involves emotional connection to a person.
No stress. Do what you want, when you want, with who you want.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I just want to say I am so happy with how accepting everyone is. I was afraid of opening a topic about sex here but I am happy with the feedback :)

Committed relationships for now LOL
You'd be surprised how many people break up.

I feel like for girls sex is sometimes taken more seriously since it involves emotional connection to a person.
No stress. Do what you want, when you want, with who you want.

Thanks! Well, thats the thing. I am still figuring out what I want. A part of me wants to hop back not the site and chat with others but another part of me is scared. I dont know if I am ready for it yet considering that I backed out already.

 

[faust]

Well, I can relate.

Despite being a heterosexual guy I felt that the best thing about sex is emotional connection between two people. That at this very moment we are bound together with something that is beyond explanation. Like we are not the separate individuals but behave as one. Tenderness and caress was more valuable for me than frictions. It was more pleasure to give a pleasure not to get.

When you never dated a girl before and having some kind of sexual fetish, it is worth to admit that sex becomes something unattainable, not easy to get and more desirable if we mean emotions. However, at a certain point when sex became a norm for me, I understood that it is extremely overestimated. It became a part of a routine, I could get it in such amount that it merely became tiring and... something casual and not interesting. When my mental health started deteriorating anew, sex became more about quenching my thirst, temporary thirst which normally occurs when two bodies are already close to each other and in no other cases. It is sad to realize that something you once really want on emotional level becomes plain and devoid of any colors. Just like when you have a hobby, put everything towards achievement and when you achieve, understanding comes - this is no longer affects you the way it would affect when it was thrilling.

Nowadays I do not have a sexual desire and if I decide to do everything myself, that is merely a habit which does not bother me too much as well. Even before CTB I do not feel an urge... no, I do not even feel the sense in looking for a sexual partner or having my last sex in life. This is just the thing I do not want.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Well, I can relate.

Despite being a heterosexual guy I felt that the best thing about sex is emotional connection between two people. That at this very moment we are bound together with something that is beyond explanation. Like we are not the separate individuals but behave as one. Tenderness and caress was more valuable for me than frictions. It was more pleasure to give a pleasure not to get.

When you never dated a girl before and having some kind of sexual fetish, it is worth to admit that sex becomes something unattainable, not easy to get and more desirable if we mean emotions. However, at a certain point when sex became a norm for me, I understood that it is extremely overestimated. It became a part of a routine, I could get it in such amount that it merely became tiring and... something casual and not interesting. When my mental health started deteriorating anew, sex became more about quenching my thirst, temporary thirst which normally occurs when two bodies are already close to each other and in no other cases. It is sad to realize that something you once really want on emotional level becomes plain and devoid of any colors. Just like when you have a hobby, put everything towards achievement and when you achieve, understanding comes - this is no longer affects you the way it would affect when it was thrilling.

Nowadays I do not have a sexual desire and if I decide to do everything myself, that is merely a habit which does not bother me too much as well. Even before CTB I do not feel an urge... no, I do not even feel the sense in looking for a sexual partner or having my last sex in life. This is just the thing I do not want.

Thanks for the thoughtful response. What you said is powerful. I believe that, as much as I want sex, I am recognizing it is a short term pleasure detrimental to my long term mental health. I am not mentally ready for sex. maybe one day, but now now.

 

[Acerakis]

I had joined a site called Fetlife not too long ago. Its basically Facebook but purely for talking about sex and engaging with others about it. I was on and off about it but eventually was like "fuck it I'll try it". For the most part it was interesting. But I slowly saw my mental health declining. I have always sought after relationships and hookup as an unhealthy desire to escape my mental health and decided to be honest. I felt like not engaging much and openly told people I was talking to I am not ready instead of just ghosting. In way I feel a desire to be with a person, but I also now I am not in a healthy mental state to commit to anyone. I feel at 22 I am running out of time while some of my friends are younger and are already in committed relationships. I feel so jealous lol

Also I hope this topic is not too innapropriate. This is my first time talking about this. I am so embarrassed lol.

Have to point out, calling Fetlife a site just for talking about sex is a bit off but I get why you might have that impression. It's a site for kink rather than sex and while for a lot of people will see the two as the same it is pretty easy to do plenty of kinks without a sexual element and obviously you can do sex without a kink element. Before lockdown I was attending fetish events and the vast majority of them do not have much sex involved except for one or two rooms. The site also really shouldn't be thought of a hookup site, it can be a fantastic site for making social contacts who happen to be into kink but don't go in with the goal of getting your genitals wet and you will likely get a lot further. A good entry point can be looking into less sexual plays as people are often a lot more open to trying these with people they have only recently met. In my country at least the kink community is about the most open and caring community I have ever encountered.

Worth keeping in mind that at the end of the day it is a social media site and so shares a lot of the problems they all do, mainly you are only seeing the best of people and the worst. Just because someone has a lot of pics up of them having kinky sex don't assume their life is nothing but fun sex. They are probably spending most of their time wondering why they were even born like we all do. If any pics look unnaturally attractive, it's probably because they are. Just like Instagram, editing of pics is rampant so never compare yourself to unrealistic representations as you will always feel yourself lacking. In fact its usually best to stay off the kinky popular section altogether as it is basically all the most fake people both for pics and writings.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I understand the feeling. I really want a relationship just so I can feel loved and validated tbh, but that might not be healthy so maybe it's a good thing that I'm not able to find one. Affection feels great, especially when you feel bad about yourself. A healthy relationship could be really nice, but seeking one out to help coping with mental health may not be a good idea. Never done Le sex so I'm not involved with anything like this, which I think might be for the best.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I'm 31 and don't see the point in casual sex.
It could be the drugs talking, though.
I mean, sure, my dick works, but it's more annoying than helpful right now.
I think a relationship is better when it's not just about sex. On its own, fucking like rabbits is useless. My biggest observation of this happening can be seen as unfavorable, though, so I'll keep my mouth shut on that. I see kids and miserable parents who only married thanks to "stapling" for the sole purpose of having children.
Humans are more than genitals with legs.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Have to point out, calling Fetlife a site just for talking about sex is a bit off but I get why you might have that impression. It's a site for kink rather than sex and while for a lot of people will see the two as the same it is pretty easy to do plenty of kinks without a sexual element and obviously you can do sex without a kink element. Before lockdown I was attending fetish events and the vast majority of them do not have much sex involved except for one or two rooms. The site also really shouldn't be thought of a hookup site, it can be a fantastic site for making social contacts who happen to be into kink but don't go in with the goal of getting your genitals wet and you will likely get a lot further. A good entry point can be looking into less sexual plays as people are often a lot more open to trying these with people they have only recently met. In my country at least the kink community is about the most open and caring community I have ever encountered.

Worth keeping in mind that at the end of the day it is a social media site and so shares a lot of the problems they all do, mainly you are only seeing the best of people and the worst. Just because someone has a lot of pics up of them having kinky sex don't assume their life is nothing but fun sex. They are probably spending most of their time wondering why they were even born like we all do. If any pics look unnaturally attractive, it's probably because they are. Just like Instagram, editing of pics is rampant so never compare yourself to unrealistic representations as you will always feel yourself lacking. In fact its usually best to stay off the kinky popular section altogether as it is basically all the most fake people both for pics and writings.

I see....now I feel a bit guilty. I guess I approached the site wrong..

 

[Acerakis]

I see....now I feel a bit guilty. I guess I approached the site wrong..

I might have come off more judgie than I meant to. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about over this.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I might have come off more judgie than I meant to. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about over this.

Ah its mainly me. One thing I struggle with in mental health is always taking things personal.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

The topic is not inappropriate. The things you addressed above are very important for people to understand.
I think I would say they are related to some of the most basic parts human nature there is.

I know it's very difficult, but if I had to trust an online site for that, I don't think it would be a good idea honestly.
Never can be too sure what it may hide and who is actually who. Then again, SS can be filled with strangers too, but people that are usually
looking for "sex" may end up being predators. This being a bit off topic...

When you mentioned you are running out of time, I think that is what got to me the most.
Despite me by chance ending up uninterested with the whole concept of sexual relationships,
I do at times come across the same issues. It can't help when so many people are experiencing what i failed to do so.
I am nearing 27 and at this point, I feel it may be over.
If you feel these sites may get someone who is actually caring to you, and you feel they are good and safe, I'd say go for it in the end.
I know it may be hard to overcome the big grim reminder of having emotional issues to deal with, but I truly believe it can work if a person finds the right
approach and way for it.
Not trying to sound like the big pro-word, just trying to be more positive towards what you feel sadness about.
And yes, jealousy, maybe I get to feel that too.
It's fine, if people that are engaged judge for that, judge you... It's on them. You have your reasons.

 

[woxihuanni]

Everybody will tell you it is noy a problem. My advice is, you wanna get into a real relatonship early on. Later on people will project their ex's crimes on you.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Everybody will tell you it is noy a problem. My advice is, you wanna get into a real relatonship early on. Later on people will project their ex's crimes on you.

You don't really get a choice tbh. If you're having thoughts about having reached a certain age with no dating success it's probably because it's difficult and you can't date when you want to.

 

[woxihuanni]

You don't really get a choice tbh. If you're having thoughts about having reached a certain age with no dating success it's probably because it's difficult and you can't date when you want to.

It is largely luck. I'm just saying this because I wish somebody had told me.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Hey guys, so bit of an update. I decided to go back on the site an contribute a bit. However, I had this tinge of "force" as well. I realized that I had to ask myself whether I can contribute consistently to the community. If not, then its not good for myself or the people I choose to engage with. So it's something I am still pondering and how much I am willing to commit to or not

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Hey guys, so bit of an update. I decided to go back on the site an contribute a bit. However, I had this tinge of "force" as well. I realized that I had to ask myself whether I can contribute consistently to the community. If not, then its not good for myself or the people I choose to engage with. So it's something I am still pondering and how much I am willing to commit to or not

A valid thing to ask yourself. Question how you want to engage with the community and whether or not you think you'll actually be able to do what you want to do.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

A valid thing to ask yourself. Question how you want to engage with the community and whether or not you think you'll actually be able to do what you want to do.

Indeed. So far I feel content talking to a few college friends and hanging out here. For Fetlife I'll have to take some space to think critically

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

It's not weird at all. I'm 22 too and to be honest, I couldn't care less. I have bigger problems to deal with and I hate people touching me.

 

[Thinking]

I'm the same way. I'm 18 and I've never even kissed someone...

 

[draw a circle]

I grow up with the culture of waiting until marriage for sex (for kissing, for just anything lol. The extreme ones don't even touch their opposite sex other than their spouse or family) so it's a given that I haven't done shit with anybody. I had my first kiss only last year!

Point is, having sex isn't an obligation I think (obviously, but like don't think too hard about it). Trying to have a relationship when your mental health is unwell is also hard. For me, taking care of ourselves is way more important. There's no set age when you're supposed to have sex.

 

[superkai64]

same here , believe it or not but i cant even remember last time i talked to a girl ( i lived one of those countries that make boys and girls separate from elementary school )
i dont want to be in a relationship , whats the point other than sex? , i dont think girls think the same way as i do so i never ever tried to get into relationship just to fill up my sexual desires , thats just disgusting.
mastrubating is the best way for now , i guess im gonna die virgin

I grow up with the culture of waiting until marriage for sex (for kissing, for just anything lol. The extreme ones don't even touch their opposite sex other than their spouse or family) so it's a given that I haven't done shit with anybody. I had my first kiss only last year!

Point is, having sex isn't an obligation I think (obviously, but like don't think too hard about it). Trying to have a relationship when your mental health is unwell is also hard. For me, taking care of ourselves is way more important. There's no set age when you're supposed to have sex.

 

[Sinai Silence]

Same here I'm 21 and have never been in a relationship or had sex, I don't find it weird at all. I don't care that much about being a virgin but it can be pretty embarrassing sometimes, people who know typically make fun of me for it.

I'm not actively looking for hookups or relationships, it wouldn't be fair on the other person to be stuck with me. All I would say is I feel really touch starved, it would be nice to hugged once in a while or have someone to hold hands with. I know it sounds stupid but we all have needs right?

I was wanting to make a post about something similar a while back but didn't know what the general consensus was on what you can post about sex on the site, but I'll give it a shot in a bit.

I hope you get what you want out of Fetlife, you only need to go as far as you're comfortable going on the site. No need to force yourself into things if it is affecting your mental health. It seems like you're taking a good approach to it so best of luck with it

 

[sadandconfused]

I wish I wasn't concerned with sex or love. I just get so attached to the one person (never somebody I can have, of course). I'm sick of getting "friend-zoned". I mean, after hooking up with a guy for a year he just wants to be friends. I've been beating myself up for self-sabotaging but that's not even the case really, we're not compatible, he's just told me he wants a polyamorous relationship and I cannot do that (not that he wants one with me anyway lol). I was already insecure, now it just feels like my worst fears have been confirmed... I'm not good enough to be loved, I'm not good enough to be saved, he doesn't care as much as I thought/needed him to

I know I shouldn't even be thinking of love with my mental health in the state it already is but I had hope for a little while. It hurts like hell cause this guy was SO out of my league and that's just a one in a million type thing... I had my fantasy, much more than I ever expected... now what

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I wish I wasn't concerned with sex or love. I just get so attached to the one person (never somebody I can have, of course). I'm sick of getting "friend-zoned". I mean, after hooking up with a guy for a year he just wants to be friends. I've been beating myself up for self-sabotaging but that's not even the case really, we're not compatible, he's just told me he wants a polyamorous relationship and I cannot do that (not that he wants one with me anyway lol). I was already insecure, now it just feels like my worst fears have been confirmed... I'm not good enough to be loved, I'm not good enough to be saved, he doesn't care as much as I thought/needed him to

I know I shouldn't even be thinking of love with my mental health in the state it already is but I had hope for a little while. It hurts like hell cause this guy was SO out of my league and that's just a one in a million type thing... I had my fantasy, much more than I ever expected... now what

I can relate to the polyamorous relationship. I was friends with a guy who was poly and it lead to heartache. But a lesson. I myself wasn't healthy enough to be in a relationship and neither was he. Always step back and look at the situation for its whole. You'll find your answer and can prevent heart ache