Venting I feel unable to learn/do anything

[Ultra'sPurgat0rio]

Hi, SaSu. Hope everyone is on one of their better days.
Well, I just wanted to say that I feel like I cannot do anything. I just can't. I'm pretty much dysfunctional. I can't do the most basic things any given human being my age should be able to do, productivity-wise. This pisses me the fuck off but I always end up committing the same mistakes. Every. Single. Time.
I know what to do, but it feels physically impossible to just do it, even though I know it's not. I think this is why I have not CTB yet. I really don't know how to live life. I've spent a lot of time thinking if I was mentally ill, but at this point, I don't even care anymore. I just want to be normal, but it seems like it's never gonna happen anyway, so death seems good enough. I just hope I can bring myself to get it over with.

 

[Vicolo cieco]

I can't do the most basic things any given human being my age should be able to do, productivity-wise.

Same. I can't even relate to people anymore because we haven't had the same life experiences: they work and I don't, they have relationships and I don't, they are interested in the world and I'm not, etc.

 

[DepressedDude]

This is a big reason I want to die, everything is just too much effort or not worth doing at all nowadays and I don't see it ever changing.

 

[lnlybnny]

I could've written this myself, I relate to everything you pointed

 

[Ultra'sPurgat0rio]

I could've written this myself, I relate to everything you pointed

It's a purgatory-esque flat circle (at least for me) Same mistakes over and over and over and over again. At least, this will be over for us one day, one way or another.

 

[jbleakness]

I feel this on such a deep level. Even the simplest tasks seem like mountains.

Even writing this reply takes extreme mental effort and focus on my part and it's unbearable.

Only peace is in the small amount of sleep I get at night.

It's absolute hell.

 

[vadim]

Everything you've written, I've felt as well. All I know is that I don't want to be this way, but have neither the desire to do any of the things necessary to function as a normal adult (get an education, find a job, etc.) nor the ability to do them when I actually do manage to find it in me to make any attempt at improving. I relate to what you said about not being able to learn from past mistakes, but I also feel unable to learn, like my brain is mush. I'm tired of feeling so stupid and useless all the time.

I'm incapable not only of achieving the normal, mundane things my peers can, but also of managing even the most fundamental human experiences like socialisation. What's worse is I've been actively trying to get out and meet new people for the past year and all it's done is made me feel worse. It hasn't gotten any easier. I can't see a way out and ctb seems like the only way to end it all at this point.

 

[divinemistress36]

The basic things people do like shower, clean,cook, shop, pay bills are no big deal to most people. For me i can barely do them then have an emotional breakdown after and exhausted. Its one of the reasons i want to ctb

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

You should try Adderall.

 

[Ultra'sPurgat0rio]

I feel this on such a deep level. Even the simplest tasks seem like mountains.

Even writing this reply takes extreme mental effort and focus on my part and it's unbearable.

Only peace is in the small amount of sleep I get at night.

It's absolute hell.

So true! I start to get stressed out the very moment I'm vaguely aware after sleeping. It just sucks. I'm happy for anybody who enjoys the conscious experience, but we can't act like everybody is gonna like it.

Everything you've written, I've felt as well. All I know is that I don't want to be this way, but have neither the desire to do any of the things necessary to function as a normal adult (get an education, find a job, etc.) nor the ability to do them when I actually do manage to find it in me to make any attempt at improving. I relate to what you said about not being able to learn from past mistakes, but I also feel unable to learn, like my brain is mush. I'm tired of feeling so stupid and useless all the time.

I'm incapable not only of achieving the normal, mundane things my peers can, but also of managing even the most fundamental human experiences like socialisation. What's worse is I've been actively trying to get out and meet new people for the past year and all it's done is made me feel worse. It hasn't gotten any easier. I can't see a way out and ctb seems like the only way to end it all at this point.

It's really tragic how everything just crumbles when we don't fit in with the rest. The thing about your brain being mush is something I think I can only really experience when I'm having a panic attack. It must be horrible to have this kind of mood turned on constantly. I'm sorry to hear that.
I've never been good at socializing either. I hope you can eventually find the right people, but if you don't, I hope you can at least CTB peacefully.

You should try Adderall.

I checked this recently and, apparently, it's straight up banned in my country. Still, thanks for the tip.
By the way, thank you everybody for all the replies and thoughts. I didn't think I'd get this much attention on my first SaSu thread.

 

[ecliptic]

I'm going through the same stuff and my physical health issues have made things worse. I can't even move around anymore it feels like I have no choice but to get this done with.

 

[Ultra'sPurgat0rio]

I'm going through the same stuff and my physical health issues have made things worse. I can't even move around anymore it feels like I have no choice but to get this done with.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Thankfully, I don't have any truly severe health problems, but I do know that that plus being in a bad place mentally is pretty much hell on Earth. I don't have any advice for that, I can only wish you the best. Sorry.