It's a long, shameful story, but the gist is my mentally ill, narcissistic, possibly sociopathic older sibling crippled our father's career. He would verbally and physically abuse our mother and I almost everyday, making our father rush back home to try to stop him. All of this added up. Our father kept losing jobs. He could never get back to his earning potential.
My brother remained his malignant self but managed to get to good colleges. He worked low-paying jobs for a while. And then during COVID, he decided to go abroad. We had to put up our only asset, our apartment back in our hometown, as collateral. Dad was unemployed, and had to take out a few personal loans to ensure we had enough to buy food and pay rent. Eventually, my brother graduated, and started working low-paying jobs abroad to survive. Dad took out more loans to keep him afloat too.
My brother returned. Took up a job that pays well enough...except the loan repayments take up 70% of his salary. And he spends the rest frivolously. He abused us if we question his expenditure. Our dad did get a job but his income too goes towards our loans. We've had and will have a few major expenses over these past few months and June- one for a meaningless ritual my family felt should be performed, and two more unnecessary expenses. Absolutely zero savings.
I am planning to take my life soon. I have most things in place- but I don't know how my family will be able to afford my funeral. I feel ashamed of saying that. I don't even want a funeral or an elaborate cremation, but they believe in rituals, being a superstitious lot. Of course there will be police to pay off. And we may have to find a new place to rent, pay the deposit, etc. Sigh. There is absolutely no money for any of this.
One reason I am dying is my cowardice. I simply don't want to have to deal with any problem in life. I should be relieved I was planning on dying anyway. I guess.
As a continuation of my thread:
I am afraid my folks will fall prey to those toxic loan apps that are in vogue in our country. I feel shameful they may have to ask our relatives for money to cremate me. I feel relieved that I won't be around to witness all this humiliation. Maybe I am a bad person for escaping.
But I am not killing myself because of our poverty. I know I would have killed myself even if we had been rich. It is just that I would have died more at peace, knowing my folks would have resources.
My brother remained his malignant self but managed to get to good colleges. He worked low-paying jobs for a while. And then during COVID, he decided to go abroad. We had to put up our only asset, our apartment back in our hometown, as collateral. Dad was unemployed, and had to take out a few personal loans to ensure we had enough to buy food and pay rent. Eventually, my brother graduated, and started working low-paying jobs abroad to survive. Dad took out more loans to keep him afloat too.
My brother returned. Took up a job that pays well enough...except the loan repayments take up 70% of his salary. And he spends the rest frivolously. He abused us if we question his expenditure. Our dad did get a job but his income too goes towards our loans. We've had and will have a few major expenses over these past few months and June- one for a meaningless ritual my family felt should be performed, and two more unnecessary expenses. Absolutely zero savings.
I am planning to take my life soon. I have most things in place- but I don't know how my family will be able to afford my funeral. I feel ashamed of saying that. I don't even want a funeral or an elaborate cremation, but they believe in rituals, being a superstitious lot. Of course there will be police to pay off. And we may have to find a new place to rent, pay the deposit, etc. Sigh. There is absolutely no money for any of this.
One reason I am dying is my cowardice. I simply don't want to have to deal with any problem in life. I should be relieved I was planning on dying anyway. I guess.
As a continuation of my thread:
I am afraid my folks will fall prey to those toxic loan apps that are in vogue in our country. I feel shameful they may have to ask our relatives for money to cremate me. I feel relieved that I won't be around to witness all this humiliation. Maybe I am a bad person for escaping.
But I am not killing myself because of our poverty. I know I would have killed myself even if we had been rich. It is just that I would have died more at peace, knowing my folks would have resources.
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