I feel so lost...

[amy]

I know some of you would find this completely stupid, but I want to express it, maybe verbalizing it one day it will go away. I think about suicide and immediately feel very calm, the idea that everything will end and I will no longer have to deal with this mountain of emotions and thoughts is tempting, I have suffered from chronic anxiety and depression for many years in addition to very low self-esteem, it I was diagnosed with borderline but I am in therapy with another psychologist who tells me that this diagnosis may be wrong. 9 months ago my 4-year relationship ended with the person I have loved the most and I have been plunged into a terrible crisis and suffering out of this world that I do not wish on anyone, trying everything I can to heal but nothing works. I only want total peace and I feel that the only way to achieve it is death, if I had not been so afraid of physical pain I would have already carried it out, yesterday I tried to get pentobarbital to do it but in my country it is difficult and often costly, I feel completely lost ... Excuse the bad English, I am from Colombia and I have a very basic level in this language.

 

[Hammer]

Preaching to the many choir my friend. Tbh as weird as it may sound sometimes I can come down from a panic attack by day dreaming about using my suicide method. Usually then goes into me imagining an afterlife and what it could be like.

Like I said though it chills me out, really helps to know that while are lives suck so bad, we are not stuck here, we arnt in jail. We can get out anytime we want and the pain will end.

 

[aedric_artifact]

I don't think it's stupid at all. I personally find some sort of peace in knowing that I can take my own life. I feel true peace comes via death; the demons won't be hurting us anymore. Lovely silence and void.

 

[SpottedPanda]

Not having a suicide plan, to me, is akin to someone dumping a mountain of paperwork at your desk while at work. There's a certain stress knowing there are many years of challenges ahead.

In contrast, when I know I have a suicide plan, it's like one doable page I need to complete. Whatever the time frame, I know there are limited stressors to experience.

It brings me peace to have an exit plan, though I know not to look forward to or expect to experience peace upon death. Dying, to me, is parting with all experience altogether.

 

[Hammer]

Not having a suicide plan, to me, is akin to someone dumping a mountain of paperwork at your desk while at work. There's a certain stress knowing there are many years of challenges ahead.

In contrast, when I know I have a suicide plan, it's like one doable page I need to complete. Whatever the time frame, I know there are limited stressors to experience.

It brings me peace to have an exit plan, though I know not to look forward to or expect to experience peace upon death. Dying, to me, is parting with all experience altogether.

It saddens me to hear stuff like that, but if it's what you would prefer then that's good. To me I just feel like there has to be something after death, and hopefully it's peacefull, for me I suspect it will be no matter what it is as my problems stem from my physical body. Without it I'd be all good xD

 

[amy]

Preaching to the many choir my friend. Tbh as weird as it may sound sometimes I can come down from a panic attack by day dreaming about using my suicide method. Usually then goes into me imagining an afterlife and what it could be like.

Like I said though it chills me out, really helps to know that while are lives suck so bad, we are not stuck here, we arnt in jail. We can get out anytime we want and the pain will end.

Same feelings, thinking that if one day is even more unbearable I can end it reassures me, however, a part of me is also afraid of dying, perhaps because it is an unknown sensation, but on many occasions the desire to go out wins.

 

[WitheringAway]

At first I thought it was strange that thinking about suicide calms my nerves and helps me sleep but it isn't strange nor is it stupid.. it's pretty common
P.s: your English is really good. Profound and articulate. Couldn't tell it wasn't your native language

 

[Hammer]

Same feelings, thinking that if one day is even more unbearable I can end it reassures me, however, a part of me is also afraid of dying, perhaps because it is an unknown sensation, but on many occasions the desire to go out wins.

I'm not really afraid of death, it helps I think believing in an afterlife even if you don't know what It is, just be living there is something helps. The only thing that stops me is the people who love me and the guilt of leaving them. But saddly even that won't be able to prevent things soon. I would have been gone all ready but I pushed through using alot of medication and suffering to get through fathers day and my mum's birthday. I didn't want to ruin those days for the rest of their lives. Saddly my death will still be close but at least not in the run up to those special days.

 

[amy]

I'm not really afraid of death, it helps I think believing in an afterlife even if you don't know what It is, just be living there is something helps. The only thing that stops me is the people who love me and the guilt of leaving them. But saddly even that won't be able to prevent things soon. I would have been gone all ready but I pushed through using alot of medication and suffering to get through fathers day and my mum's birthday. I didn't want to ruin those days for the rest of their lives. Saddly my death will still be close but at least not in the run up to those special days.

I have many mixed feelings, because although I want to die, I am always the girl who does everything possible to make the lives of others happier, and makes me feel very sad that someone else wants to die as much as I do, because I know the pain for which it has to happen to get to this. If you want to talk to someone, at least to feel identified, here I am.
Thank you, I help a little with the translator when I don't know how to write a word or phrase, and yes, I know that many of us have that feeling that thinking about suicide is a relief, I think with stupid, I meant that at this moment my greatest trigger is heartbreak, sadly for me it has been a catastrophic loss.

At first I thought it was strange that thinking about suicide calms my nerves and helps me sleep but it isn't strange nor is it stupid.. it's pretty common
P.s: your English is really good. Profound and articulate. Couldn't tell it wasn't your native language