Venting I feel so lonely.

[UtopianSoliloquies]

For all the reasons I have ever wanted to CTB, I always realize after some introspection that they're rooted in loneliness. I used to be so outgoing as a child. For that, I was so frequently judged for my gaucheness that I have since done a complete 180 in my temperament. I can no longer conceptualize how people might enjoy my company and I have no way of understanding my conversations with people other than as out of an inconvenient pity for me. It's not that I think everyone hates me-- simply that they are apathetic. The only way I still know how to express affection for others is through vain self-sacrifice that is fully instantiated within my own psyche and which benefits no one and only makes me suffer. I convince myself that my friends don't care about me, and then I withdraw from them all whilst telling myself that I'm doing them a favor by not making them deal with me anymore. I think I care more for everyone in my life than any of them care about me. I know so few people that to lose any of them would be an indictable loss, and yet, to them, I am replaceable-- one of countless people who could entertain them all the same. I remember sitting in on a seminar at my university about how to study, and the professor suggested that we should call our friends from time to time in between study sessions. I had the sense that that was such an ordinary, unremarkable statement to the audience, and yet it confounded me for many days on end. Why would anyone pick up a call from me? What if they have better things to do? What benefit could anyone possibly glean from talking to me? It seems as if all the joys of human connection that those around me take for granted are denied to me. I'd sooner logically deduce calculus from nothing but addition than figure out these rules of social interaction that to others seem like common sense.

Sorry about the verbose and weirdly formal vent. It's the only way I really know how to write. I don't even know anymore whether I wanted advice or simply to complain about my problems. In any case, thanks for reading.

 

[SVEN]

Communication (at any level) can be a hard one. Sorry you are in this position.

 

[death137]

I feel you

 

[Need Peace]

these rules of social interaction that to others seem like common sense.

This. I can never seem to understand people or how they interact with each other so easily. It's like everyone else is playing the same game that they all know the rules to and no one ever taught me the rules. It's so hard to make connections or trust people. I feel like I'll never figure it out.