Venting I feel so fucking trapped

[suffering]

Tried to end it, I am too afraid.
Tried to get back into the workforce, salaries too low for so much work.
Tried to be a scammer, it didn't work.
Tried to date, nothing works. I would also feel guilty dating with my suicidal tendencies...

My walls are closing in. I don't want to be here. I don't want this world. Why is everything so fucking hard?

 

[suffering]

not to mention how fucking alone I am. I am just too fucking alone.

 

[couragetodie]

not to mention how fucking alone I am. I am just too fucking alone.

Suffering, I can relate to everything you say. For the last month, I have thought about ctb every day. Last year I was depressed for like 8 months and just thought about ctb daily. I feel like I have run through all the options in life. I feel like there is nothing left for me to do but to ctb. But I have kids. And I have this nagging feeling I am giving up too soon. But every day I think about all the pain I have lived through, that I live through, the hearts I have broken, the chaos I have caused, how envious I am of others, how shitty it all feels, how I rarely look forward to anything, I just want to ctb. There are these moments when I feel a surge of inspiration — get up, get showered, eat, get to being productive, smile, life isn't so bad, but these pass and the next feeling is of dread. The pile of unpaid bills. The promises broken. I didn't used to be so fucked up. It's all relative. I don't want to end up homeless again. I have been up and down so many times. I feel like quitting. But right now I sit here and I write this and wonder if it's my choice. My god I don't want to end up in an insane asylum the rest of my life. I don't want to end up living in the streets. On welfare. On hard drugs. I just want to be free. I wonder if I am even capable. I wonder if I even have depression or if I am just doomed to a life of disappointment.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

not to mention how fucking alone I am. I am just too fucking alone.

Loneliness doesn't really bother me but emptiness does try to fill in the void with something I would prefer lady death too but either it is too soon but family and friends are the only reason why people like me don't have the strength anymore and since alcohol, and the past, and mental illness gives me reason to die I would pay someone to kill me personally if they had a shotgun and not want charges pressed against them I find it just as selfish that I have to live for everyone's else's sake when I have nothing to live for sure my life is great and I shouldn't complain about it I know there are other people in worse situations than me but I prefer non existence in this life or the next. I don't have much to look forward to I already know all my future problems.

 

[couragetodie]

Loneliness doesn't really bother me but emptiness does try to fill in the void with something I would prefer lady death too but either it is too soon but family and friends are the only reason why people like me don't have the strength anymore and since alcohol, and the past, and mental illness gives me reason to die I would pay someone to kill me personally if they had a shotgun and not want charges pressed against them I find it just as selfish that I have to live for everyone's else's sake when I have nothing to live for sure my life is great and I shouldn't complain about it I know there are other people in worse situations than me but I prefer non existence in this life or the next. I don't have much to look forward to I already know all my future problems.

Ah yes knowing the future problems... that's the biggest bitch to get over. I am the same — why bother doing all this work today when there is only more suffering tomorrow? One thing I have thought is that there is meaning in this suffering — that to live life to the fullest means embracing the shit parts including the pain. Obviously easier said than done — I haven't figured out how to embrace the suffering. I have just let it consume me so I am not preaching here.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Ah yes knowing the future problems... that's the biggest bitch to get over. I am the same — why bother doing all this work today when there is only more suffering tomorrow? One thing I have thought is that there is meaning in this suffering — that to live life to the fullest means embracing the shit parts including the pain. Obviously easier said than done — I haven't figured out how to embrace the suffering. I have just let it consume me so I am not preaching here.

True, I do need to handle that better I appologize in that regard sure the suffering of myself gives people a good chuckle and all which is fine and dandy truth be told people like me just vent on the internet of these suicide type sites because I find it more or less useful I wrote poems on here that is something I don't mind too much turn the suffering in a form of art instead of wallowing in it.

 

[21Neberg]

I can relate to much of what you say. It really does sound like you're going through a lot of shit. Regardless of whether or not you decide to CTB, I hope you find your peace.

 

[Pan]

I can relate to much of what you say. It really does sound like you're going through a lot of shit. Regardless of whether or not you decide to CTB, I hope you find your peace.

Hwhat else can an inherently good person do but offer peace?