Venting i feel so dumb

[lovebomb]

my life is suppose to be going well right now but it just doesnt feel like that and i dont even know what it is. im always out, im getting piercings done, i dye my hair (which i have wanted for ages), i got pets to help me, but literally nothing is working. like im suppose to be enjoying stuff, things have been eventful, but none of it feels real at all?? i bring this up occasionally to friends but they just don't understand. my therapist doesnt get it either.

she thinks ive been doing okay but ive never wanted to kill myself more than i do right now and im unsure how to bring that up. recently i relapsed after being sober for so long too, which has brought me down so much. ever since my ex left me everything has felt so pointless. she was my everything but it feels so stupid because i thought i was over her?? like i thought even if she wasnt here, id still feel like this, which also fucking sucks because it just means im always gonna be like this but then i thought harder and i realised she really is genuinely the only thing that would make me happy.

i wish i could feel that dumb relief of talking to her one more time. ive never loved someone as much as i have her, she truly understood me and cared for me and i miss her. i dont get why she had to leave but i know i could of stopped if i wasnt so immature. i miss her face, her voice, her humour, her interest, her hands, her hair. i just miss being able to talk to her in general. i have never had a bond like that with anybody. i think we are soulties. i use to be so happy but now i couldnt be anymore miserable.

ive tried to kill myself multiple times but i feel ive always backed out. its literally all i want but the problem is its so painful and scary. i know its probably selfish for wanting to kill myself over a breakup but it just hurts so much physically as well!! it just aches so hard like i have 0 spark left in my life whatsoever. that breakup has permanently altered things for me, but i dont even think it was just the breakup.

i think drugs made me like this too. im scared im never gonna feel real or the same again and i dont wanna live like that. ive been trying to change it for so long and i just cant. recovery will probably never be a choice for me. i only ever get left behind and im afraid im doomed to be and feel like this for as long as i live

 

[DoubleUp8]

I feel like you're young and try everything else b4 ctb please. Relationships breaking up not enough reason really. May seem like it now but in time you will realize it's not. Try anything and everything else 1st. CTB if successful is irreversible