Venting I feel so disgusting and it’s all my fault

[HeartThatFeeds]

TW SA

I feel so disgusting and it's all my fault, I don't know why this continues to happen, why people violate me, after the first partner who did this to me I feel so empty.

I've felt nothing without the abuse, it's been over a year and I'm still in absolute hell after what happened to me, I constantly craved the feeling of being violated because it was the only ever love I knew.

Recently it happened again and I don't know what to do, I feel sick to my core. I feel like I deserve this because It's what I wanted because I knew I deserved it, even though I knew I was trying to hurt myself.

I don't think my partner is a bad person, I know they aren't , they do everything for me and they helped me recover with my assault, I just don't understand after knowing all the pain I went through they would do the same to me and it hurts more than anything.

I really feel no hope now, I really don't know what to do, our relationship is going to be over now, I just want to CTB because i have nothiny now, I can't pretend this never happened even if I want to.

 

[prezmyl]

I understand that must be a lot to fight all the sensation related to experience like that.

I repeat that way too often to the point already asked admins to put new sticky tread about some new therapies and trends
You might want to look into somatic experiencing or some other new therapies which work with all layers of psyche (body, emotions, rational mind) you might find some answers on some of your rhetorical questions.