I feel so alone

[ScorpiusDragon]

I have no close IRL friends except my boyfriend. I feel closer to my online friends than my IRL friends. If I killed myself, I think my online friends would notice my absence far sooner than my IRL friends (with the exception of my boyfriend).
On the surface, I have "everything." I am physically attractive, I graduated from an Ivy League school, I have a boyfriend who loves me, I work at a competitive law firm as a paralegal, all my friends think I'm going to law school.
But when I look to my future, all I see is an empty existence where I'm mindlessly grinding away as a replaceable cog on a wheel to make money for a boss at some corporate law firm.
I don't see myself ever being free from my past. When I was younger, I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents. My mom sometimes threatened to kill herself in front of me as her way of emotionally manipulating me. Once when I got a 91 on a test, she picked up a knife and held it close to her throat. She told me if she killed herself, it would be my fault because there is no use having a daughter who will grow up to be a garbage collector. I was 8 years old at the time.
It hurts to see happy families because I know that's something I'll never have.

 

[Worndown]

You are not...really.

 

[Jean4]

I have no close IRL friends except my boyfriend. I feel closer to my online friends than my IRL friends. If I killed myself, I think my online friends would notice my absence far sooner than my IRL friends (with the exception of my boyfriend).
On the surface, I have "everything." I am physically attractive, I graduated from an Ivy League school, I have a boyfriend who loves me, I work at a competitive law firm as a paralegal, all my friends think I'm going to law school.
But when I look to my future, all I see is an empty existence where I'm mindlessly grinding away as a replaceable cog on a wheel to make money for a boss at some corporate law firm.
I don't see myself ever being free from my past. When I was younger, I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents. My mom sometimes threatened to kill herself in front of me as her way of emotionally manipulating me. Once when I got a 91 on a test, she picked up a knife and held it close to her throat. She told me if she killed herself, it would be my fault because there is no use having a daughter who will grow up to be a garbage collector. I was 8 years old at the time.
It hurts to see happy families because I know that's something I'll never have.

I understand how you felt. My father used to beat me for every question I got wrong on a test.
I understand how you are feeling, and I am not saying your feelings aren't real, and I am sorry you are experiencing them.

I wish I had the life that you have. What I mean is, I want to kill myself every day. Every second. I too graduated from an Ivy League (have the student loans to prove it lol) . I am a board certified (fill in the blank.)

I understand the stress of the job. I understand the competition at work.

However, my dream was always to get married and have a family. I went to that Ivy League school to find a husband. Not to get a job honestly.

Life didn't work out the way that I planned. I am 51 and alone. I will never have that boyfriend who loves me. I have no family, no friends. Just a cat that I got to give me some love.

So even though I understand your pain and am not trying to minimalize it. I just wish I had that boyfriend who loves me and somebody who actually cared if I lived or died.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I understand how you felt. My father used to beat me for every question I got wrong on a test.
I understand how you are feeling, and I am not saying your feelings aren't real, and I am sorry you are experiencing them.

I wish I had the life that you have. What I mean is, I want to kill myself every day. Every second. I too graduated from an Ivy League (have the student loans to prove it lol) . I am a board certified (fill in the blank.)

I understand the stress of the job. I understand the competition at work.

However, my dream was always to get married and have a family. I went to that Ivy League school to find a husband. Not to get a job honestly.

Life didn't work out the way that I planned. I am 51 and alone. I will never have that boyfriend who loves me. I have no family, no friends. Just a cat that I got to give me some love.

So even though I understand your pain and am not trying to minimalize it. I just wish I had that boyfriend who loves me and somebody who actually cared if I lived or died.

If anything, I feel more trapped because I have a boyfriend. I love him, but I really don't want to continue living this life. But I know I can't kill myself without hurting him. I'm not really living for myself at this point.

I'm also aware that if I ever have kids, I can't CTB without fucking them up for life. I know the idea of building a family might appeal to many, but it just makes me feel like I'm even more trapped.

 

[Alchemist]

Loneliness hurts, even if there's someone close. Can't say much about since I'm always alone, but it's true that sometimes people online feel closer than those next to you. I'm always available for anyone if they feel like talking about anything.

 

[Escaper Boy]

I am really sorry you have a shitty mother. As much as I hate my own mom for her extreme materialism, never ever she tried to threaten me with suicide to get what she wanted.

Sorry for using rude language. I feel so angry reading your experience of abuse. You didn't deserve it.

 

[pole]

I have no close IRL friends except my boyfriend. I feel closer to my online friends than my IRL friends. If I killed myself, I think my online friends would notice my absence far sooner than my IRL friends (with the exception of my boyfriend).
On the surface, I have "everything." I am physically attractive, I graduated from an Ivy League school, I have a boyfriend who loves me, I work at a competitive law firm as a paralegal, all my friends think I'm going to law school.
But when I look to my future, all I see is an empty existence where I'm mindlessly grinding away as a replaceable cog on a wheel to make money for a boss at some corporate law firm.
I don't see myself ever being free from my past. When I was younger, I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents. My mom sometimes threatened to kill herself in front of me as her way of emotionally manipulating me. Once when I got a 91 on a test, she picked up a knife and held it close to her throat. She told me if she killed herself, it would be my fault because there is no use having a daughter who will grow up to be a garbage collector. I was 8 years old at the time.
It hurts to see happy families because I know that's something I'll never have.

Yeah i relate to you on the mom part as well. My mom still tells me sometimes that she wishes me and her die so she could be rid of this life or tells me she'd crash our car when were driving, etc. Blame me for everything, and blame me for being pathetic because she doesnt like things that i do because she doesnt like them even though its the simplest of things. Law school was everything i wanted to do, but now im going into my third year studying criminology and Law and my grades have been horrible because of my emotional state, didnt attend classes or anything. So thats definitely not happening.