I miss my ex so much. My actions caused us to break up. Don't get me wrong, i never actually treated her badly or insulted her or anything. But i was controlling. This is not really a justification but my thinking was very narrow minded, i could only think from my perspective and never hers and that let me to me being somewhat controlling. I regret that. Her mistake was not telling me i was controlling. I felt like i was like that so much and asked her and she always insisted no. I wish she said it. I still feel overwhelming guilt regardless, its something that i will always carry even if she was was somewhat at fault for not telling me. She ended up breaking up with me saying shes not ready for a relationship.
I don't know what she wants from me now. She started texting me again a month after we broke up which she apparently never does according to her best friend. 2 months later she asked me if i wanted to date after we are settled again, i agreed. 2 months later i moved back from abroad and asked her if she still wanted to date after we are settled, she said no. I asked her are we gonna be platonic friends, she said no to that as well and refused to give me an answer. A month later she got an online boyfriend, i suspected it and asked her and she admitted it but she kept insisting it was not a serious relationship and he will probably break up with her in a week anyway. Either way I got scared and asked her the next day if she wanted to give our relationship one more shot and she said no. We both stopped talking to her then. We didnt talk for two weeks. I was sort of mad at her as i felt like she kept leading me on all that time for nothing. I thought she was mad at me for asking that while she had a boyfriend but her best friend told me she kept asking her to ask me to come hang out alot during those 2 weeks. Then she started texting me again and it just so happened to be on my birthday. She didn't wish me on that day though. She just mentioned some life stuff that happened to her like nothing happened and sent some picture saying if i don't reply in x minutes i have to do something. The very next day she started venting to me about her relationship saying that guy was a pain in the ass and even sent some screenshot of a breakup message. I found it funny that she decided to vent to me about the very thing that caused problems in our relationship the very next day after we started talking. I sort of assumed it was an indirect message to me? i dont know if thats accurate
Either way yeah this was like 3 months ago and her behaviour is pretty on and off and confusing. I have asd and anxiety so that doesn't make it better either. Sometimes i wish i could stop talking to her so i can stop thinking about it but she is genuinely such an important person in my life. She changed me so much for the better. Letting her go like this feels like a part of me is just gone. This is making my CTB thoughts worse. Ive always had them for many years and even had when we were together but far less. I feel like us breaking up was the last nail in the coffin for me after going through so much. Honestly feels pathetic. Regardless i hope she finds her happiness, maybe it will be better after im gone. I really loathe myself. I will forever hate myself for ruining the only good thing i had going in my life
I don't know what she wants from me now. She started texting me again a month after we broke up which she apparently never does according to her best friend. 2 months later she asked me if i wanted to date after we are settled again, i agreed. 2 months later i moved back from abroad and asked her if she still wanted to date after we are settled, she said no. I asked her are we gonna be platonic friends, she said no to that as well and refused to give me an answer. A month later she got an online boyfriend, i suspected it and asked her and she admitted it but she kept insisting it was not a serious relationship and he will probably break up with her in a week anyway. Either way I got scared and asked her the next day if she wanted to give our relationship one more shot and she said no. We both stopped talking to her then. We didnt talk for two weeks. I was sort of mad at her as i felt like she kept leading me on all that time for nothing. I thought she was mad at me for asking that while she had a boyfriend but her best friend told me she kept asking her to ask me to come hang out alot during those 2 weeks. Then she started texting me again and it just so happened to be on my birthday. She didn't wish me on that day though. She just mentioned some life stuff that happened to her like nothing happened and sent some picture saying if i don't reply in x minutes i have to do something. The very next day she started venting to me about her relationship saying that guy was a pain in the ass and even sent some screenshot of a breakup message. I found it funny that she decided to vent to me about the very thing that caused problems in our relationship the very next day after we started talking. I sort of assumed it was an indirect message to me? i dont know if thats accurate
Either way yeah this was like 3 months ago and her behaviour is pretty on and off and confusing. I have asd and anxiety so that doesn't make it better either. Sometimes i wish i could stop talking to her so i can stop thinking about it but she is genuinely such an important person in my life. She changed me so much for the better. Letting her go like this feels like a part of me is just gone. This is making my CTB thoughts worse. Ive always had them for many years and even had when we were together but far less. I feel like us breaking up was the last nail in the coffin for me after going through so much. Honestly feels pathetic. Regardless i hope she finds her happiness, maybe it will be better after im gone. I really loathe myself. I will forever hate myself for ruining the only good thing i had going in my life
