Venting i feel pathetic wanting to ctb in the USA during multiple genocides around the world

[wherearewenow]

i am a 19 year old trans woman. apart from being a trans woman in the US, i don't face a lot of systemic oppression. i am mostly okay. but i still want to CTB, and i feel so guilty wanting to end my own life while so many people across the world are being genocided as we speak. i am priveleged to have life, right? but i still want to.

i don't know if i will, i don't know if i can do that to my mom. but i want to, regardless of how pathetic it makes me feel.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I know this phrase has been repeated to death but other people's suffering doesn't invalidate yours.

 

[brokenboy]

i am a 19 year old trans woman. apart from being a trans woman in the US, i don't face a lot of systemic oppression. i am mostly okay. but i still want to CTB, and i feel so guilty wanting to end my own life while so many people across the world are being genocided as we speak. i am priveleged to have life, right? but i still want to.

i don't know if i will, i don't know if i can do that to my mom. but i want to, regardless of how pathetic it makes me feel.

I feel like that sometimes as well. I once heard that the chances of being born are like one in 400 trillion. In other words we have a greater chance of winning the lottery one million times over than actually existing! Like out of all the people who could have been born instead of me why was someone as worthless as me the one who was brought into existence? Its kind of comforting to me to think about it in this way tho because someday we'll all be dead and all the pain and suffering we go through won't matter anymore so there's no reason to fear death or to hasten it either as you can always die later. Maybe just take some time to experience the simple things we DO have. To be breathing this air, discover different parts of the world, to meet people, to enjoy ourselves with different hobbies, to try new foods, to have have feeling and emotions, and if your someone other than me, to be loved. The only thing that matters when we're gone is the impact we'd had on others. As for the privileged, there's really no such thing as privilege in a rigid sense. Everyone has there own troubles in life regardless of their circumstances. Everyone's been oppressed and everyone's been an oppressor. All we can do is our best to help and our best to heal. I may not not know you but I am sure your not pathetic. You have your own worth and uniqueness as an individual. Nevertheless, your feelings are incredibly valide and I hope this helps

P.S. I've always been kinda jealous of trans folks lol cause I've always secretly wanted to be one but know I'd never be able to pull it off enough to actually be accepted

 

[acephale]

Don't look to other

 

[martinso67]

That mindset that one is privileged and other are oppressed. That one where one should shame themselfes or have guilt. It's only cultish group behavior to destroy your thinking and worldview so other groups or ideologies can influence you and make you part of them.
It's like a virus that needs a weak immune system to get into the human system and affect you.

 

[kindalone]

Its kind of comforting to me to think about it in this way tho because someday we'll all be dead and all the pain and suffering we go through won't matter anymore so there's no reason to fear death or to hasten it either as you can always die later.

Well, since it's all going to happen anyway, why go through more suffering in the process? All that pain doesn't matter in the end, so it's pointless to go through it. Better to get it done and save yourself all the trouble.

 

[UKscotty]

We didn't choose to get depression.

Be gentle on yourself. Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[brokenboy]

Well, since it's all going to happen anyway, why go through more suffering in the process? All that pain doesn't matter in the end, so it's pointless to go through it. Better to get it done and save yourself all the trouble.

Well I guess even suffering in a way is its own unique experience in life that come with its own silver linings. Everyone suffers at times albeit some maybe more than others but without it the good experiences would fail to feel as good, and just like everything else, it too will eventually come to an end, but your right tho, everyone should have the right to go peacefully whenever they choose

 

[locked*n*loaded]

OP, I would never tell you how you should feel, but, IMO, the US jyst isn't all that great. Lots of problems none of which get fixed. Lots of problems that many other countries don't have. I don't know if you being trans, and how it is for you trying to live your authentic self in this good ole USA, where just about anyone who deviates from the "norm" is ostracized, or worse, is the only reason driving you to consider ctb, but, no doubt, you've got about the toughest road to navigate in the current climate here. You've got it tougher than most. And what the other poster said about other people's suffering not invalidating your's is 100% right. YOU'RE the one who has to live YOUR life.

I don't know about the "priveleged to have life part". I'll reserve comment on that.

 

[lovedread]

i am a 19 year old trans woman. apart from being a trans woman in the US, i don't face a lot of systemic oppression. i am mostly okay. but i still want to CTB, and i feel so guilty wanting to end my own life while so many people across the world are being genocided as we speak. i am priveleged to have life, right? but i still want to.

i don't know if i will, i don't know if i can do that to my mom. but i want to, regardless of how pathetic it makes me feel.

You're far from pathetic. And so many of us feel how you do. None of us are pathetic for wanting to kill ourselves in this dystopian ass world. It's just a symptom of larger problems.

I hope things improve for you. You at least have the conscience to acknowledge said genocides and denounce them. A lot of people—depressed or not—refuse to…for whatever reason.

 

[willitpass]

Would you tell a friend that they shouldn't be depressed because others have it worse? Would you tell someone who is sick that they have to eat because there are starving children in Africa? I doubt it, you seem like a nice enough person. So have the same grace for yourself. Suffering is not a competition. Two people can be suffering in different ways at the same time, it does not mean that one cannot be in pain because someone else is in a different sort of pain. The world is an ugly place, and your own world can be an ugly place to be as well. It does not make you selfish. It makes you human.

 

[Kaya]

i am a 19 year old trans woman. apart from being a trans woman in the US, i don't face a lot of systemic oppression. i am mostly okay. but i still want to CTB, and i feel so guilty wanting to end my own life while so many people across the world are being genocided as we speak. i am priveleged to have life, right? but i still want to.

i don't know if i will, i don't know if i can do that to my mom. but i want to, regardless of how pathetic it makes me feel.

I would give anything to live in the US,even if i would not have anything,i would live and not ctb.

 

[AmericanMary]

Don't compare your experience to that of anyone else's. Trauma is trauma. Pain is pain. All of the weight you carry & all of the feelings you have are valid. 100%.

What is happening to others is HORRIBLE. It brings me so much pain to hear and see. But you cannot let this tragedy make you feel guilty for what you are going through.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I totally get that. I watch a lot of crime and survivor stuff, and seeing people being thankful to have lived while also feeling sorry for the others that were robbed of their lives when they wanted it, whereas I don't, just makes me feel like complete shit.. Here these people are, with so much less than I have, and their resilience and appreciation for life is something I should have, but I just don't. Like I choose to be negative and miserable, when it's all that I'm instilled with. There's no joy lost here. But it's a life wasted nonetheless when others have are fighting to keep theirs. It's so conflicting.

 

[prototypian]

Genocide, wars, starvation, forced prostitution and slavery, drug addiction, abuse and more are not things you should hold your own suffering to as though there is a competition to see who is justified in being depressed. Humans have done terrible things for all of humanity and there has been depression and sadness for all of existence. This isn't a platitude, you can feel bad. Kate Spade, Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain were all radically successful and wanted for little materially with guaranteed meals, homes, friends and family and life was too much. I'll never be caught saying "poor me" or "you should realize how good you have it". If you are suffering and sand and filled with suicidal ideation it is not because you are weak but because the world is strong and impersonal.

 

[wherearewenow]

P.S. I've always been kinda jealous of trans folks lol cause I've always secretly wanted to be one but know I'd never be able to pull it off enough to actually be accepted

you should definitely look into transitioning :) it's worth it and so many people have told stories about their life being saved by transitioning

 

[astr4]

in that regard i think aaron bushnell was admirable bc he managed to both ctb and make a statement with it, idk that it actually made any difference lol, but there's something very relatable in the sentiment of "i hate the cruelty of the world so much that i will die in protest"

 

[brokenboy]

you should definitely look into transitioning :) it's worth it and so many people have told stories about their life being saved by transitioning

Thank you so much!!! If feels so good to have someone say that to me It's just I always fail at everything I've ever do, and I know I'll never be accepted and just end up feeling like such a fraud! No one ever even notices me or will ever recognize me for who I am, so I feel like there's no point in even trying