Venting I feel pathetic about my reasons for wanting to die

[mercutiomartis]

I have always had suicide in the back of my mind as kind of like a last resort but I always had this little sliver of hope that if I waited things out things would get better and I'd actually want to be here. Now, I'm really inclined more toward ctb than toward giving life another shot. I've been researching extensively and have found a source of SN that I'm hoping to buy soon to have on hand. It's starting to sink in how serious I am about doing this.

I've been thinking a lot about what my reasons are and they're hard to describe without them sounding really shallow. I'm mostly really crushed about my failed relationship and the aftermath of it. That relationship was the only time in my life I felt truly happy and full. It ended horribly, I don't think anyone really cares about the details but I feel like eventually I'll write it out so it exists out there. I recently spoke with my ex and confessed to him that I have hope that one day we'll get back together, and he told me that he's in a much happier place and he doesn't want me to have any hope at all. I feel stupid that that hope was one of the few things that was tethering me to life, I wish I could rid myself of it completely.

I've suffered a lot in my life, and I think that having known what it feels like to actually want to live only to have it crushed is a big reason I want to end it. I don't think that I'll realistically ever experience that again, I don't want to continue numbing myself with medication knowing that my life circumstances are not really going to change. And it feels absolutely pathetic, like if I were to tell this to someone in my life that actually knows me, they'd tell me something like - there's plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but that's not really the point.

I'm in such a dark place right now.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

How long has it been since you broke up with your ex?

 

[Mizzlizzy]

I'm sorry

 

[Olek Messier 87]

I have a friend who committed suicide for this very reason, he had just celebrated his 28th birthday. And the only thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is that when I heard the news I felt like I had witnessed the biggest mess in history. The person responsible for his situation was absolutely worthless, and didn't even show up to his funeral after ruining his life in only a few months. My advice, for what it's worth: Even if it's hard (and I know something about it), it's a temporary state of distress, talk to those who really care about you, and never make such a drastic decision just because of someone.
I'm not saying you'll get out of this dark path easily, but I know that in this kind of situation, some problems can definitely resolve themselves with just a little time.

 

[Grumble]

You are absolutely, unequivocally NOT "pathetic" for feeling suicidal over this. You've been through an emotionally traumatic experience that is still ongoing, and it is natural for anyone in your position to be looking at drastic measures as a means to deal with it.

I feel stupid that that hope was one of the few things that was tethering me to life, I wish I could rid myself of it completely.

Have you severed all ties with this person? And I mean TOTALLY severed. As in, zero reminders of him anywhere in your life. No links on social media, blocked all forms of contact, no exposure to any photos, no saved messages, deleted phone contacts, no material possessions linking to the relationship. When I mean "zero", I mean you rearrange all the furniture in your room if that's what it takes.

If you haven't taken steps to eliminate all reminders and lingering connections with him, that's the first thing I'd advise here.

Reach out to people close to you and lean on them when you need it. It's good to be around other people, even if you're not talking about this or talking about yourself at all. Other people can serve as a reminder that there is more to life than this lost relationship and that moving forward from this is indeed possible.

 

[mercutiomartis]

How long has it been since you broke up with your ex?

It's been about a year and six months now.

I have a friend who committed suicide for this very reason, he had just celebrated his 28th birthday. And the only thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is that when I heard the news I felt like I had witnessed the biggest mess in history. The person responsible for his situation was absolutely worthless, and didn't even show up to his funeral after ruining his life in only a few months. My advice, for what it's worth: Even if it's hard (and I know something about it), it's a temporary state of distress, talk to those who really care about you, and never make such a drastic decision just because of someone.
I'm not saying you'll get out of this dark path easily, but I know that in this kind of situation, some problems can definitely resolve themselves with just a little time.

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend and I appreciate you sharing this. I have contemplated talking to people about it but it feels like I'm beating a dead horse. I went to therapy following the breakup and talked about it at length. I can almost feel the eye rolls that will come if I bring it up again, but this is solid advice. Thank you.

You are absolutely, unequivocally NOT "pathetic" for feeling suicidal over this. You've been through an emotionally traumatic experience that is still ongoing, and it is natural for anyone in your position to be looking at drastic measures as a means to deal with it.


Have you severed all ties with this person? And I mean TOTALLY severed. As in, zero reminders of him anywhere in your life. No links on social media, blocked all forms of contact, no exposure to any photos, no saved messages, deleted phone contacts, no material possessions linking to the relationship. When I mean "zero", I mean you rearrange all the furniture in your room if that's what it takes.

If you haven't taken steps to eliminate all reminders and lingering connections with him, that's the first thing I'd advise here.

Reach out to people close to you and lean on them when you need it. It's good to be around other people, even if you're not talking about this or talking about yourself at all. Other people can serve as a reminder that there is more to life than this lost relationship and that moving forward from this is indeed possible.

I appreciate your response. No, I haven't cut off all ties with him. We didn't talk for about 6 months, and then I couldn't take it anymore and I reached out to him. I felt like I would rather live knowing that our relationship was over but I could still be his friend than to completely cut him out of my life. We talk pretty regularly too, and we've been taking turns taking care of our dog that we had when we were together. I haven't deleted any photos, posts, messages or anything like that. I havent been able to look at the pictures on my phone to even begin to delete them, it just feels too painful. After the breakup, I had to move back in with my parents and the majority of my belongings were accumulated while we were together. We were pretty enmeshed.

Since I moved, I lost all of my friends that I had in person. They witnessed everything go down firsthand and I feel like they'd be really disappointed in me to know I'm still so hung up over this. I wish I could be around them but they're all the way across the country. I'm really only around my parents and their relatives.

I really appreciate your solid advice. I don't know if I'm ready to let go yet, but it seems like I'm moving in that direction.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It's been about a year and six months now.

I won't diminish your hurt, as I know it's real, because like just about everyone else, I've been through it myself, but often it takes a lot longer than that amount of time to get over someone, for the chemicals that create that "feeling" of love to subside. It took me over 3 years in one instance. To say it's hard to get through is an understatement. I can understand your tiredness, your frustration, the seemingly hopelessness of your situation. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you make the best decision for yourself that you can based on the totality of the circumstances.

 

[mercutiomartis]

I won't diminish your hurt, as I know it's real, because like just about everyone else, I've been through it myself, but often it takes a lot longer than that amount of time to get over someone, for the chemicals that create that "feeling" of love to subside. It took me over 3 years in one instance. To say it's hard to get through is an understatement. I can understand your tiredness, your frustration, the seemingly hopelessness of your situation. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you make the best decision for yourself that you can based on the totality of the circumstances.

Thanks so much, this is very validating.

 

[Olek Messier 87]

I can almost feel the eye rolls that will come if I bring it up again

I don't roll a single eye ! It's a good thing that you can talk to someone about it, even if you feel like it has no impact, it probably makes it's way despite you. The simple fact that you took this step is significant, in my opinion. My friend didn't bother, he kept everything to himself, and one night he just left. In short, if you want to talk, don't hesitate. No judgement here

 

[mercutiomartis]

I don't roll a single eye ! It's a good thing that you can talk to someone about it, even if you feel like it has no impact, it probably makes it's way despite you. The simple fact that you took this step is significant, in my opinion. My friend didn't bother, he kept everything to himself, and one night he just left. In short, if you want to talk, don't hesitate. No judgement here

Thank you <3 and same to you