GarageKarate07
Wizard
- Aug 18, 2020
- 665
I am mad but I'm not. I am sad but I'm not. I did more prep today. I am alone and have nobody to stop me. I put all my things in one room of my small apt. I have a tarp so that it will take up most of the mess that my body will make. I have multiple methods in case they fail. I wrote a long last letter for the police to find. I will be decayed when they find me. Nobody will check for a long time. Such is life. I will leave the windows open so that maybe the smell will tip off my neighbors. I play the lotto to give myself hope. I feel it's a false hope as I keep losing LOL. I have lots of nicotine and alcohol. I try to eat healthy food. I have movies from the library to keep my mind busy as I check methods and do paperwork and read threads here. I force myself to go for walks in the Arizona sun. The walks are nice. I saw turtles sun bathing in mass yesterday at the zoo. I have visited my only living child. I do not mention my intentions I just know myself it was a last goodbye. I called old friends. I cleaned my house so nothing molds such as trash and dishes LOL. I got a collections phone call today LOL. I fear my time is up. I will not post a goodbye here. I will stay on the message board as if nothing is wrong until I go. My illnesses are killing me. Maybe a month or less and I will go. If I chicken out then that's ok but I don't have plans for that. I let my life go so there were no pieces to pick up. I am not sure if I'm scared. I think I am more angry than scared. I am treating this as the next responsible thing to do for myself. I want to go the fuck home. I want to start my first day in the afterlife whatever that may be. I want to remember this great world but I also want to forget. That part I think makes me sad. To forget all the people we leave behind. I have friends in the afterlife, and relatives, and pets. If given a chance to come back I don't know what I will do. If given a chance to help from the afterlife I hope I will be able to do that somehow. I could help suicides win the lotto LOL. So much to think about and imagine but I'm the type who wants to actually know. anyway just wanted to share. I had a good day on SS today. I cried a lot.
