I feel like the only thing I was good at or that mattered was surviving my abuser

[tiredplant777]

Like the title. I dealt with my abuser for years. I never talked about this but now I don't really care, but he was a perpetrator of satanic ritual abuse. I dealt with a lot but also I wasn't trafficked or anything, I was always able to get away. Very unusual. I got really good at surviving, like it's a miracle - literally. I thought there was a point to surviving beyond avoiding extreme torture and death. I thought there would be something at the other end of survival, but there hasn't been. There's nothing.

I'm really grateful my abuser's plan didn't work out, I mean that would have been horrific. But I don't know why I'm alive now. Things aren't calm, I can't trust anyone, which is exhausting. Shitty things still happen. I'm in my 30's, I lost my 20's because of this man. I don't have the resilience to deal with anything anymore, and I don't feel like I'm having enough positive experiences to give me hope and happiness. I do not know why I am alive or what my worth here is. I am a good person, and I've had multiple people tell me I am the kindest person they know (I think they mean it), which is cool, but I feel like while that is great for others it's not something that takes my pain away and I'm so tired of the idea that suicidal people need to keep living for the sake of others. I don't want to stay alive just for others, I want to stay alive because I have things that make me happy and feel loved and I just don't really have that. I think I thought by surviving I'd find love and connection on the other side, but I am so alone. I just want to cry in someone's arms but of course that's not something I have now.

It feels like now the only thing I was alive for was to survive and now I am just in some void.

 

[hopelessgirl]

im so sorry to read this. don't have the energy to write a lot. just know my heart is aching for you

 

[tiredplant777]

im so sorry to read this. don't have the energy to write a lot. just know my heart is aching for you

thank you so much. I am sorry you are here also I hope you can find freedom from the pain that brings you here. It was helpful to just to express how I am feeling rn.

 

[patheticpartner]

I appreciate the positive impact you have on people to the point of being the kindest person they've met. But I understand what you mean. Living feels so empty despite all the surmounted hardship and kindness. Trust issues, loss of confidence, and other perennial consequences of abuse make living a fulfilling life nearly impossible.

 

[tiredplant777]

I appreciate the positive impact you have on people to the point of being the kindest person they've met. But I understand what you mean. Living feels so empty despite all the surmounted hardship and kindness. Trust issues, loss of confidence, and other perennial consequences of abuse make living a fulfilling life nearly impossible.

Thank you so much for your understanding. I do try, trying to be kind has at times come from a place of shame too, but not always. I don't want to be like the darkness I experienced.
I feel like if I opened up about wanting to die everyone's just going to try and talk me out of it by emphasizing my kindness and my positive impact on others, and how it would hurt them if I died, and people have said this already actually, but I actually feel like that's borderline exploitative, like I only exist for the wellbeing of others.
I feel like I just can't hang on and it's exhausting. All the people I am kind to cannot handle hearing about the trauma I've been through, so I can't be open with it unless I'm paying someone, such as a therapist. It's so lonely and it's also completely exhausting.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. It sounds like you have been through a lot. It can be painful to live an empty existence. Life really is tiring. I could never stay alive for others personally and of course we have the right to exit this world at a time of our choosing. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.