The frameworks behind most therapies are not suited to complex, multifaceted problems, imo. A lot of the studies used to justify the efficacy of a particular therapy modality, touting themselves as "evidence-based", have underwent a great deal of data massaging by the authors who are publishing the paper.
Very well written post, a bit shameful to admit I came across this because I was browsing your profile since I re-read some of your other well written posts time to time. I'm aware a lot of your physical illnesses you've written about are here to stay so saying I hope you've been doing well is a bit hopeful, but I guess I hope it's at least not being so difficult to be more severe is better to say. Your post are some of my favorite on here, and you always articulate things in a way I would never be capable of.
For the thread topic I was in therapy when I was a child and also was took part in psych medication. I don't remember the therapist, but one of the them wanted me alone after I had multiple visits with her with my family in the room because I was afraid to be alone around adults. I left and told my mother she was a fat bitch (language, at the age of ten or eleven I did not use -- to put it bluntly) and did not go back. What inspired that reaction died with my memories, I sadly have very poor ones. The psych medication was largely a GP, who was never rude to me. I went off the medications a long time ago. I'm considering DIY ADHD stuff -- memantine to be precise. I don't really want to bother with a psychiatrist again, and the fact I've been off ADHD medication for nearly ten years likely would make it seem odd for wanting it now. My suicidality and lack of enjoyment would likely see myself dosed with SSRIS. I was going to be forced to go to a therapist after I was too cowardly to go through with a method and my suicidality I've kept under wraps for years was forced out in the open once more. My mother called the one referral that was offered by the GP and they never even bothered to call back. Thankfully as long as you don't mention it often and loudly that you still consider killing yourself and you're biding your time people don't care. My mother mentioned the other day she thought I was doing better when I mentioned suicide after an interaction. It's made me more confident that the package seize is likely just bullshit, and that I'll be able to leave this year. I never even pretended to be better, and nothing in my life changed at all so why she thought years of wanting to kill myself vanished is beyond me. I'm thankful I was born to an idiot -- it makes leaving easier. She stated it sounds like I want to kill myself because I don't have a perfect life and that many people don't have one. I seem to think I'm special for being the one person who deserves a perfect life.
She also stated in a questioning tone that she doesn't understand why I would want the easy way out. She doesn't understand why I want to kill myself when I all I do is "listen to music all day and sit at the computer" as if long term educational neglect, no enjoyment in anything, any job I would get low paying, I have no diploma and will have to order one off of the internet because of homeschooling, any degree I would get would take me until at least twenty seven for a bachelors, and that's assuming I would be able to meet the functioning level required for a degree. For a job in the trades, which are so highly regarded by morons on the internet who think trades are better than a degree it would take me years to get to a better wage, and would otherwise be in a stage of apprenticeship. The trades also force your body in awkward positions and will you see you have long term health problems. I also dislike the idea of 40 if not more of my hours being directly taken from me, and the any hours after those are of lessened value because you will more tired after work than before. Sixteen hours a day taken from me, sleep and work is not appealing at all. Life is hardly enjoyable when I have all day to myself on the computer and having the vast majority of my time stolen by someone who only desires me to mess with defecation devices is not appealing.
I'm partially thankful because I'm not sure I believe in therapy. I have a CBT suicide workbook on my computer and I've done general browsing in a few sections. Attached below is one of the framings of social isolation as a problem -- the framing is that social isolation is caused by someone pushing someone away. It's also tiring to see it mentioned in the book that you are loved, as if that spawns socially loving relationships or fixes isolation. I've seen it expressed before in my browsing of suicide on the internet when a suicidal person says they have no one that cares about them some internet stranger will respond "I care op." as if that makes a difference. Yeah, you browsing a suicide topic one time and telling a stranger you don't know the name to you care will solve their issue of no social support, no family, and no connections. You just solved their problem, I'm sure they will just read "I care" anytime they feel down. It's not true care or love, it's objectification. You're valued as it stands as an object, and they favor themselves the protagonist. If you never mentioned the word suicide they would have never said a word to you, and it's not like they'll be saying many more after saying they care. It's very telling people repeat the same memes over and over about suicide without ever spending five minutes thinking of faults in any of their premises. It's because you're never a person when you're suicidal, only a person an aberration of the doll they want.
The inherent assumption that was ever anyone there for me in my dead end street and that I just refused them is a funny one. There was never anyone, I was homeschooled. I've left my house to go to grocery stores and my grandfathers here and there. I have no real life connections with anyone, and no real social skills or social desires anymore. No one will show up my door at my dead end street and bother. I can't drive, but if I magically had a license and income to experience being others I would never be allowed to mention suicide to begin with. People will abandon you or get annoyed at you for expressing yourself even one or two hours a week to them about your problems with life. You're expected to exist as an entertainment jukebox for when they desire to enter the coins at their convenience and leisure. On the other end, you shouldn't die because others might be upset regardless of the former potential abandonment that awaits when you offer less than usual and your true feelings ruin their parade and therefore cast you as valueless. You have to pay in the direct channels to be cared for with the assumption of only bringing it up to the person you've paid.
I don't feel strong emotions, but I guess the closest way to describe it would be alienating. It seems like it would be helpful for being in an impulsive fit who largely haven't thought about it themselves, or didn't have long term suicidality. The idea that I would even bother with a safety plan, or be interested in giving away things I could harm myself with to other people is a funny one. Tons and tons of numbers to call, as if I would bother crisis lines and risk my safety for emotional reactivity of a stranger for problems I've had for years. I do wish there was a way of solving it, or even aspects of the field that could be helpful to someone like me. One of the more in my opinion degrading aspects of therapy is when you look up for reasons to go if you're suicidal, you will never get past the hotlines and self indulgent post about how you don't have to worry as long you don't have the plans and the means. Instead you'll have to look at the reason for going to a therapist without the mention of suicide, and the answer is "A therapist doesn't solve your problem, your therapist helps you discover your problem and then you solve it yourself!" in other words -- for me at least worthless. It seems like a special problem to have where you're not even aware of it, and then you must pay someone so you can solve it yourself. Suicidality when you have little hope of it getting better, there's not a clear way of improving things to such a state of where you'd want to live, and when the thoughts are not intrusive there seems to be no coherence in going. I don't want coping skills. I want the problems solved or to kill myself. The mysticism of the field and how it's suggested all the time is so tiring when they can't even articulate why it would be helpful. The other answer they give is "if you really wanted to, what could it hurt and if you truly wanted to wouldn't you have done it?" that just feels like a dare, to me personally.
I think other people like the appeal of therapy and suggesting it because they're too lackluster to say anything themselves, and they've bought into the mystic of the field. It's a way of telling you to fuck off to people who can "help" you even if they can't articulate what's so helpful about it. I'm sorry if any of the post is odd, I ended up ranting a bit. I'm also sorry a decent amount of it focused on myself and not your problems. It does sound like the people you've seen have desired to simplify your problems so they could be easier in a game of therapy wack a mole.
