Venting I feel like my presence is a stain on society.

[a-fond-farewell]

Hey y'all,

If you know anything about social anxiety, you'll know that we often make bigger deals of things than others. Maybe you stumbled over your words and said the wrong thing. Or you misunderstood someone in the spur of the moment. Such a small and honest mistake, unnoticed by others, replays in your mind over and over. You may also know that if you're stressing over something that no one notices, it'll make you more awkward and you'll make more mistakes, drawing legitimate attention to what you're losing your shit over. If I bump into a person, they'll probably just think it was an accident and move on with their day, but I'll be rethinking it 10 minutes later. By that point, I've been so stuck up in my own head that I've accidentally bumped into 10 more people because I'm not paying attention to my surroundings. And they are actually mad now.

Well, I was playing Jackbox with some folk. I made a wrong move in the game, unknowingly. They respectfully told me why I shouldn't have done that for future reference, and moved on. You know, a normal human response. But, knowing that I mildly inconvenienced others just triggered something in me. I felt so disproportionately horrible over such a small mistake. I really beat myself up for it. Just this gnawing weight in my chest. I left the VC and closed my browser so that I could prevent myself from burdening them any further. Little did I know, the game didn't register I left, so my turn came up and in a team game, wasted a turn and legitimately burdened my team and caused annoyance. Obviously, that made me feel worse tenfold. My selfish retreat into isolation caused actual problems, even though I could've just learnt my lesson and moved on like everybody else did. Now, the same old thoughts are replaying in my head. Why did I even bother? Why am I so selfish and immature? My existence causes suffering. My existence is selfish. etc. etc. etc.

I guess I'm aware enough to know it wasn't that small initial mistake that caused this overreaction. I was already primed, it was just that small mistake that loosened the floodgates, so to speak. I was having a good night up until then. Having fun. I've been thinking about death and suicide for most of the day, so it's not contextually surprising that I was activated, but it just didn't feel like it in that moment. Afterwards, I was back to wishing for death, but this time tenfold. I think that thinking / planning for suicide is honestly a coping mechanism for me, even though it's obviously very unhealthy. It doesn't excuse my mistake, but it gives me some satisfaction that I won't have to worry about hurting anyone anymore. I won't have to worry about the person that I'll become if I live. I've endured and witnessed abuse in this house. Trauma and abuse has been this family's heirloom for generations. I've seen how trauma plagues relationships. Relationships with your peers, your partner, your friends, etc. I'm at an age where my childhood shit is coming back to bite me in the ass and I've become more insecure, fragmented, doubtful, and scared. I hate feeling like a horrible human being. Suicide gives me the certainty I need to discontinue the cycle. No more children will be hurt and scarred. Not from my hands. Not from my future children's hands, if I would've had any if I don't kill myself.

 

[whywere]

You are NOT EVER a stain on society, NEVER EVER!!!

I am older and I mention this ONLY because of all the human interaction I have had in the past 50 plus years in business and personal. You know better than I do that sometimes if not more that no matter what a person can NEVER EVER please someone and that they WILL try and make a person feel bad about themselves, and I have had it happen to me so many times that I have forgot about all of them.

Everyone makes LEARNING EXPERIENCES not mistakes. Learning experiences are what helps each and every soul on this planet in becoming a better person.

The word mistake should be deleted from human language

Reading and rereading your post so many times gave me a VERY strong feeling of just how wonderful you are. Smart, yes, excellent personality (thinking of others and just not all about the me, me, me mentality).

My "parents" kicked me out the day after I turned 18, homeless and hungry and through all the decades, I have made so many learning experiences and have had some folks who "thought" that I was either stupid or less than they were, BUT in the long term of life folks who are kind, caring helpful and think of others, ALWAYS comes out a head, always. I have seen it since 1974 and always will.

You are the type of person who I love to call family because you are just so darn kind and caring and thinking of everyone, so rare and wonderful.

NEVER EVER let anyone bring you down, NEVER!

You ARE great and you WILL do very wonderful and good things in life not only for yourself but others also.

You are a shining light in this life with so much heart felt love and kindness that you will be outstanding. I 100% believe and FEEL it!

Lots of sunny blue skies and love to you, as you are just so darn wonderful to have as a good friend, thank you for that!

Walter

 

[a-fond-farewell]

You are NOT EVER a stain on society, NEVER EVER!!!

I am older and I mention this ONLY because of all the human interaction I have had in the past 50 plus years in business and personal. You know better than I do that sometimes if not more that no matter what a person can NEVER EVER please someone and that they WILL try and make a person feel bad about themselves, and I have had it happen to me so many times that I have forgot about all of them.

Everyone makes LEARNING EXPERIENCES not mistakes. Learning experiences are what helps each and every soul on this planet in becoming a better person.

The word mistake should be deleted from human language

Reading and rereading your post so many times gave me a VERY strong feeling of just how wonderful you are. Smart, yes, excellent personality (thinking of others and just not all about the me, me, me mentality).

My "parents" kicked me out the day after I turned 18, homeless and hungry and through all the decades, I have made so many learning experiences and have had some folks who "thought" that I was either stupid or less than they were, BUT in the long term of life folks who are kind, caring helpful and think of others, ALWAYS comes out a head, always. I have seen it since 1974 and always will.

You are the type of person who I love to call family because you are just so darn kind and caring and thinking of everyone, so rare and wonderful.

NEVER EVER let anyone bring you down, NEVER!

You ARE great and you WILL do very wonderful and good things in life not only for yourself but others also.

You are a shining light in this life with so much heart felt love and kindness that you will be outstanding. I 100% believe and FEEL it!

Lots of sunny blue skies and love to you, as you are just so darn wonderful to have as a good friend, thank you for that!

Walter

Honestly, I didn't expect to see this tonight. Especially on this website. I really appreciate your comment. It makes me feel a little better, at least temporarily. I honestly really appreciate this, so thank you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Oh God, this is me all over. I'm so sorry. It can feel so painfully embarassing and crushing to just do small things wrong.

Sometimes I wonder while I feel so comfortable and then I realise- it's because I've not been around other people consistently in years.

I tend to just look back in anguish and horror at all the social faux pas I've done. Plus, I dread being in a situation where I have to be around other people again. It truly is that whole- wishing the earth would swallow you up.

I'm sorry. It's not like I can say much to make it better. Only that I feel like I understand where you're coming from.

Have you thought about tackling your social anxiety specifically with therapy? I do sometimes wish I'd done more to address mine. It has really tainted and held me back in life. Maybe something like assertiveness training?

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I do things like that all the time. It still bothers me that I unintentionally hurt or annoy people, but I'm so tired I just can't care anymore about the embarrassment and pain it causes me. In other words, you might just get used to being like this.

 

[a-fond-farewell]

I do things like that all the time. It still bothers me that I unintentionally hurt or annoy people, but I'm so tired I just can't care anymore about the embarrassment and pain it causes me. In other words, you might just get used to being like this.

Oh God, this is me all over. I'm so sorry. It can feel so painfully embarassing and crushing to just do small things wrong.

Sometimes I wonder while I feel so comfortable and then I realise- it's because I've not been around other people consistently in years.

I tend to just look back in anguish and horror at all the social faux pas I've done. Plus, I dread being in a situation where I have to be around other people again. It truly is that whole- wishing the earth would swallow you up.

I'm sorry. It's not like I can say much to make it better. Only that I feel like I understand where you're coming from.

Have you thought about tackling your social anxiety specifically with therapy? I do sometimes wish I'd done more to address mine. It has really tainted and held me back in life. Maybe something like assertiveness training?

I've been going to therapy up until a week or so ago and it definitely did help my social anxiety. I mean, just talking with someone face to face besides just my family made me a lot more confident out in public. Therapy has taught me about things like cognitive distortions and mindfulness / calming techniques that I've found helpful.

But yeah, you're really hitting the nail on the head. I can relate a lot. Social anxiety definitely has held me back in life. If I had a proper support circle right now, things would be a lot different. Therapists will check off the box, saying that I've a support system because they asked me if I have anyone to talk to, and I mentioned my sibling. But really, the culture in my house is to be quiet about what you see and keep things to your self. I can tell him stuff, but he's sinking too. Two broken people can't do much for each other because they can't even help themselves. I don't really have a support system, but if I just put myself out there more I would.

How has social anxiety held you back personally? Like is there anything you wish you would've done different?

 

[Forever Sleep]

How has social anxiety held you back personally? Like is there anything you wish you would've done different?

It's largely held me back or rather, made things feel exceedingly uncomfortable at work. Seeing as my work at least used to be about the most important thing to me, that was awful. It's like social anxiety and lack of confidence work in unison to make me feel inadequate to begin with. Then, if I make mistakes or, feel I'm too slow, or feel the work I'm doing isn't good enough and, everyone can see, it's hard to describe how crushing that is. If I get negative remarks on top then, it just feels catastrophic! I think I've remembered every criticism I've ever gotten. If I get one more, the rest come back again.

I still used to try- for a good long while though. There's not so much choice if you have to work. I've even done Head of Department jobs- which I'm sure you can imagine are even harder to put on a front of being confident and in control. Eventually though, as luck would have it, I got the opportunity to go freelance and, work alone. So, I seized that with both hands. It does mean now though that working around others again horrifies me. It also means I would very like turn down jobs- even if they offered career progression, if they meant working around others again, because I know it would be hell!

So, it's like it's partly held me back in really pushing for my dream job but, it's also made any job I've done feel really dreadful at times.

As for a personal life, I've chosen to be isolated. I'm kind of lucky in that I don't tend to feel lonely. I do still text with a few people and, I'm so grateful for this forum for my dose of human contact. I don't exactly feel like I'm missing out because, it's not really something I even want now. Still, I suppose it makes me wonder how my life would have been without all this. I imagine it could well have been happier with a few more people in it, and to feel comfortable around them.