Sorry to waste your time guys. I just need to vent and have no one to vent to.
I feel like I've been set up for failure from the start. At this point in my life I feel like CTBing is the only thing I can do. Mentally, I'm fucked up. When I was young my parents died in a murder suicide homicide. I almost got shot and still remember the position my father was in after he shot himself. I saw a ghost too, a shadow on the wall. I was the only one capable of walking in that house because everyone else was dead. I still think I was supposed to die that day, and because I didn't my life has been hell. I owe the reaper 13 years because I'm overdue. Everyone tells me I survived for a reason, but life treats me too bad for me to believe that.
After the shooting I was sent to Indiana to live with an aunt. When I got here my cousins bullied me for hating having fake guns pointed at me despite almost being shot multiple times from a point blank range. I made some neighborhood friends in middle school but they began to bully and pick on me. My family did the same, my aunt played favorites and picked on me. She even told me I should stop trying to look handsome since "I'll never look like Prince Harry". I wasn't trying to, I just strive to look acceptable.
That summer in middle school I was bullied every day by everyone. And it feels like my mind is trapped there. I never got to move on. I became very socially distanced. I stopped trusting strangers and learned that people hurt you. I never made more friends than the tight knit friend group I already had.
To this day I feel as if I've lost my childhood. When I think back ALL I remember is the summer I got bullied. Its as if the rest of my childhood was deleted from memory. Talk about one too many ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). I quickly became socially underdeveloped and was depressed / suicidal since 7th grade (I'm a Freshman in College now). I never learned how to talk to girls and I never made friends with any. I'm a natural girl repellant. They never like me. I try to be a nice guy, I would literally do anything for a friend (Yes, even kill someone if it comes down to it). I always try to be respectful, I never refer to girls as "bitches" and I never curse people out and I try to avoid cursing in general.
I got my first girlfriend at 18, and she dumped me for another guy within a few months. My Ex even lied by telling me she was "Stressed out by college and can't handle a relationship right now", but all her other many Exs told me she's lying. What's worse is my ex told me there was a good chance we could get back together, she lied. She was just a slut. I tried talking to this other girl I like right now and she obviously doesn't like me. I invited her out to places three times, tutored her for 3 hours in the library, and I try to be nice. She told me she had a boyfriend yet a few days later asked my friend to the Winter Dance in front of me. Girls hate me, boys hate me, everyone hates me.
I'm constantly reminded that I'm ugly and always told I never do anything right. I'm always being yelled at and scolded and my aunt loves to guilt trip me. I get yelled at for saying "My bad". I still don't know what's so bad about that phrase. I was yelled at so many times that its programmed into my mine that I'm always wrong. Its hard to change old habits, especially ones that are engraved into your mind.
Ever since breaking up with my Ex I haven't been the same. Ever since my depression got worse I lost interest in my hobbies and I stopped smiling. I'm not the same. A few of my new college acquaintances asked what I like and my literal only fucking answer was Anime, Video games (barely), and school. I'm losing pieces of myself.
When you put this all together my brain is a trainwreck. I'm dealing with being socially underdeveloped, trauma from a shooting (13 years later I still hate the dark), trauma from childhood bullying, constant negative environments, mental character degradation, memory loss, and more.
I feel like I was trained to be a burden. I move out of the way for people and I hold the door for them. I'm willing to help other people at all times and such. People think its because I'm nice, but its because I feel like everyone else is better than me combined with me being nice.
I can't take this anymore. I feel like I never got to live. I've never had sex, never smoked/vaped , never gotten drunk, never snuck out with friends, never adventured on private property, never gone to crazy parties, I've never slept with a girl, never shot a gun, never gotten high. I understand not all those are fun, but they're all things I never got to do.
Everything makes me sad. Even my good, old, happy memories make me sad. I used to love fall because of the temperature and the trees but just thinking about it makes me so sad now. Maybe its because I get to remind myself that no one cares about me. I watched all my friends meet their dream girlfriends but I got left behind.
No-body ever cares. I'm a male too so that doesn't help. No one ever asks me how I am really, or offers a shoulder to cry on when I can't take it anymore. I learned the hard truth of life: Women and children are the only people loved unconditionally, men are loved so long as they have something to offer. And I, have nothing to offer.
CTBing only has pros from my point of view. I'm a lonely piece of shit that just takes up space, consumes valuable food, water, and air, and I'm a major financial burden on my parents. No-one wants me here.
I'm sorry. I know nobody wants to read 1000 words but I'm long winded and have no one to talk to. I understand you guys don't give a shit about a random kids life story or the trivial amount of suffering I've gone through. Maybe the false hope knowing someone might have read this will keep me going for a little longer.
I feel like I've been set up for failure from the start. At this point in my life I feel like CTBing is the only thing I can do. Mentally, I'm fucked up. When I was young my parents died in a murder suicide homicide. I almost got shot and still remember the position my father was in after he shot himself. I saw a ghost too, a shadow on the wall. I was the only one capable of walking in that house because everyone else was dead. I still think I was supposed to die that day, and because I didn't my life has been hell. I owe the reaper 13 years because I'm overdue. Everyone tells me I survived for a reason, but life treats me too bad for me to believe that.
After the shooting I was sent to Indiana to live with an aunt. When I got here my cousins bullied me for hating having fake guns pointed at me despite almost being shot multiple times from a point blank range. I made some neighborhood friends in middle school but they began to bully and pick on me. My family did the same, my aunt played favorites and picked on me. She even told me I should stop trying to look handsome since "I'll never look like Prince Harry". I wasn't trying to, I just strive to look acceptable.
That summer in middle school I was bullied every day by everyone. And it feels like my mind is trapped there. I never got to move on. I became very socially distanced. I stopped trusting strangers and learned that people hurt you. I never made more friends than the tight knit friend group I already had.
To this day I feel as if I've lost my childhood. When I think back ALL I remember is the summer I got bullied. Its as if the rest of my childhood was deleted from memory. Talk about one too many ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). I quickly became socially underdeveloped and was depressed / suicidal since 7th grade (I'm a Freshman in College now). I never learned how to talk to girls and I never made friends with any. I'm a natural girl repellant. They never like me. I try to be a nice guy, I would literally do anything for a friend (Yes, even kill someone if it comes down to it). I always try to be respectful, I never refer to girls as "bitches" and I never curse people out and I try to avoid cursing in general.
I got my first girlfriend at 18, and she dumped me for another guy within a few months. My Ex even lied by telling me she was "Stressed out by college and can't handle a relationship right now", but all her other many Exs told me she's lying. What's worse is my ex told me there was a good chance we could get back together, she lied. She was just a slut. I tried talking to this other girl I like right now and she obviously doesn't like me. I invited her out to places three times, tutored her for 3 hours in the library, and I try to be nice. She told me she had a boyfriend yet a few days later asked my friend to the Winter Dance in front of me. Girls hate me, boys hate me, everyone hates me.
I'm constantly reminded that I'm ugly and always told I never do anything right. I'm always being yelled at and scolded and my aunt loves to guilt trip me. I get yelled at for saying "My bad". I still don't know what's so bad about that phrase. I was yelled at so many times that its programmed into my mine that I'm always wrong. Its hard to change old habits, especially ones that are engraved into your mind.
Ever since breaking up with my Ex I haven't been the same. Ever since my depression got worse I lost interest in my hobbies and I stopped smiling. I'm not the same. A few of my new college acquaintances asked what I like and my literal only fucking answer was Anime, Video games (barely), and school. I'm losing pieces of myself.
When you put this all together my brain is a trainwreck. I'm dealing with being socially underdeveloped, trauma from a shooting (13 years later I still hate the dark), trauma from childhood bullying, constant negative environments, mental character degradation, memory loss, and more.
I feel like I was trained to be a burden. I move out of the way for people and I hold the door for them. I'm willing to help other people at all times and such. People think its because I'm nice, but its because I feel like everyone else is better than me combined with me being nice.
I can't take this anymore. I feel like I never got to live. I've never had sex, never smoked/vaped , never gotten drunk, never snuck out with friends, never adventured on private property, never gone to crazy parties, I've never slept with a girl, never shot a gun, never gotten high. I understand not all those are fun, but they're all things I never got to do.
Everything makes me sad. Even my good, old, happy memories make me sad. I used to love fall because of the temperature and the trees but just thinking about it makes me so sad now. Maybe its because I get to remind myself that no one cares about me. I watched all my friends meet their dream girlfriends but I got left behind.
No-body ever cares. I'm a male too so that doesn't help. No one ever asks me how I am really, or offers a shoulder to cry on when I can't take it anymore. I learned the hard truth of life: Women and children are the only people loved unconditionally, men are loved so long as they have something to offer. And I, have nothing to offer.
CTBing only has pros from my point of view. I'm a lonely piece of shit that just takes up space, consumes valuable food, water, and air, and I'm a major financial burden on my parents. No-one wants me here.
I'm sorry. I know nobody wants to read 1000 words but I'm long winded and have no one to talk to. I understand you guys don't give a shit about a random kids life story or the trivial amount of suffering I've gone through. Maybe the false hope knowing someone might have read this will keep me going for a little longer.
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