I feel like i'm slowing losing myself

[Giorgiandrea]

I always was a push-over, and i'm still now, to the point of keeping everything inside and create a new version of myself, even several versions that adapts to different kind of people.
This might have worked for a while, but as time passes i started to make my own what this "versions" of myself were supposed to be just temporary, and so everyday i keep stuff to myself, feelings to myself, i can't have opinions as one version might believe on one thing and another version might think the opposite, and this for almost everything about anything.
I've lately reached a phase where i don't really feel connection with people, i don't know if what i like or what i'm good at is the real me or just made up stuff to make someone else happy, am i just overthinking it? Am i just exagerating this sentiments? either way, i don't really feel good and strugle just to be.
sorry for the confusing different thoughts and my bad english, not my first language

 

[The Silly Sluggy]

Maybe you're just overthinking it? I used to feel that way when I did the same thing. Eventually, I ended up becoming both of what I was acting as. It let to a few things getting confusing, but it worked out in the end I think. Idk if the same could be applied to you, but that's just how I ended up becoming. Sorry if this comment doesn't really help. Here's hoping the path for you gets smoother.

 

[thefinalcut]

I have two versions of myself... the real version that struggles to make connections with anyone, and the personable one that was created/adapted to be able to just get through daily life. I never was able to merge the two, and it is exhausting playing the latter for a long period of time. I would imagine it is even more exhausting carrying multiple facades depending on the person and interaction. Maybe eventually you'll burn out, be able to say "fuck it," and just carry one with you. Mine is generic, amicable, and has no opinions on social, ideological, or religious topics.

 

[Archness]

"Dissociation" is an apt word for this.
Honestly know the feeling too much. Always neglected my "real self", opting to instead do/act whatever would either help get simple pleasures or entertain. Now I find those aren't enough, maybe I just "Grew Up", "Developed", "Matured", or whatever is causing this increassed mental complexity. Now it's like I'm nothing, nihil. I also feel some kind of dissociation/disinterest in my enviroment, but I digress (will make a post abt that soon).

 

[Giorgiandrea]

Maybe you're just overthinking it? I used to feel that way when I did the same thing. Eventually, I ended up becoming both of what I was acting as. It let to a few things getting confusing, but it worked out in the end I think. Idk if the same could be applied to you, but that's just how I ended up becoming. Sorry if this comment doesn't really help. Here's hoping the path for you gets smoother.

thank you for the comment, i hope i'm overthinking it too

I have two versions of myself... the real version that struggles to make connections with anyone, and the personable one that was created/adapted to be able to just get through daily life. I never was able to merge the two, and it is exhausting playing the latter for a long period of time. I would imagine it is even more exhausting carrying multiple facades depending on the person and interaction. Maybe eventually you'll burn out, be able to say "fuck it," and just carry one with you. Mine is generic, amicable, and has no opinions on social, ideological, or religious topics.

thank you for the comment, i understand not showing the real self, fearing someone might not accepting it. our experiences might be different but i'm glad someone can understand this type of situation

"Dissociation" is an apt word for this.
Honestly know the feeling too much. Always neglected my "real self", opting to instead do/act whatever would either help get simple pleasures or entertain. Now I find those aren't enough, maybe I just "Grew Up", "Developed", "Matured", or whatever is causing this increassed mental complexity. Now it's like I'm nothing, nihil. I also feel some kind of dissociation/disinterest in my enviroment, but I digress (will make a post abt that soon).

thank you for the comment, i'd be glad to read the post about it

 

[ADeadBunny]

I went through a similar deal. Turns out, suffering several head injuries before the age of 5, being abused by several adults including your parents, all while battling passed down mental illness and gender dysphoria will do that to a person.

I don't know you or what happened to you, but you can pull up from that. It takes a lot of therapy and building healthy relationships to get through it, but you can do it.

I've resigned myself to ctb regardless of what I've pulled through though. This isn't to discourage from getting better though, that's just my experience. You might have a different one.

Regardless, I hope that you're able to find peace and comfort with yourself and your relationships.

 

[Giorgiandrea]

I went through a similar deal. Turns out, suffering several head injuries before the age of 5, being abused by several adults including your parents, all while battling passed down mental illness and gender dysphoria will do that to a person.

I don't know you or what happened to you, but you can pull up from that. It takes a lot of therapy and building healthy relationships to get through it, but you can do it.

I've resigned myself to ctb regardless of what I've pulled through though. This isn't to discourage from getting better though, that's just my experience. You might have a different one.

Regardless, I hope that you're able to find peace and comfort with yourself and your relationships.

Thank you for the comment, our experiences might be different but i appreciated your kind words. I'm sorry for what happened to you and what you're going through. Hope you can find peace too, regardless of how you get it.