Venting i feel like i’m not making progress with anything

[jenny6391bubbles]

i hate the past few months so much. it made me realize that i keep making too many fuck-ups to keep up with college, with friendships, with pretty much everything. i hate how i'm so slow in everything and i'm a dead weight in group projects and group works even when i'm doing my best to keep up with others. the only times i can actually show my best is if people are accommodating towards my disabilities. i'm kind of tired of having to bring up what is wrong with me mentally and disability-wise every single time just so that people understand why I'm weird or slow.

basically, pretty much what i've learned is that society shuns you for being different and not being able to cope with a shitty corporate capitalist world but oh no, you aren't allowed to kill yourself because you're too valuable and important as a human being. and then it fucking proves you wrong again, as you're just easily replaceable in school, in work, in relationships and friendships, etc.

i really wish i could just kill myself. i was forced to throw my SN out because i was caught and though i was able to travel to a really nice country last year since i didn't kill myself, going back to the grind just makes me want to die. i wish someone would just shoot me in the head so that i'd die.

 

[wondering&wandering]

I feel similar sentiments as you, but as time has gone on and I've continued choosing living over dying, I've found a good way at dealing with the pain of being shunned and deemed worthless in society is to find something (even if it's something small and seemingly insignificant) to love and hold onto. I can't say what that could be for you, but a big thing for me is music.

It took me some time to find artists that really resonate with me, but when I listen to Beach House (dream pop) I let the synths and reverb wash over my mind and cleanse it. Or perhaps I listen to Imagine Dragons and let the words speak to my soul, and the beats move my heart. And when I feel anxious and feel a desire for peace I listen to Gregory and The Hawk which calms me down as I let the humanity of the artist touch me like a person giving me a warm hug.

Music that I can just listen to which allows the feelings I so desperately want to express, or desires I want to fulfill has helped me a lot. And now I strive to write my own music and own poetry to express myself even if only to myself.

So maybe try to find the thing that you love and allows you to feel. Maybe that's reading, or writing, or drawing, or maybe just looking at the ever-changing sky that sits above you, me, and all the people on this site.

Like can be ugly, but it can be beautiful. We can choose to look and steep in the dark, but we can also choose to look towards the light even if we're not there yet.

Hope my words were of some help or comfort. If anything just know I'm here to talk and listen if you'd like.

Take care out there!

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

I feel similar sentiments as you, but as time has gone on and I've continued choosing living over dying, I've found a good way at dealing with the pain of being shunned and deemed worthless in society is to find something (even if it's something small and seemingly insignificant) to love and hold onto. I can't say what that could be for you, but a big thing for me is music.

It took me some time to find artists that really resonate with me, but when I listen to Beach House (dream pop) I let the synths and reverb wash over my mind and cleanse it. Or perhaps I listen to Imagine Dragons and let the words speak to my soul, and the beats move my heart. And when I feel anxious and feel a desire for peace I listen to Gregory and The Hawk which calms me down as I let the humanity of the artist touch me like a person giving me a warm hug.

Music that I can just listen to which allows the feelings I so desperately want to express, or desires I want to fulfill has helped me a lot. And now I strive to write my own music and own poetry to express myself even if only to myself.

So maybe try to find the thing that you love and allows you to feel. Maybe that's reading, or writing, or drawing, or maybe just looking at the ever-changing sky that sits above you, me, and all the people on this site.

Like can be ugly, but it can be beautiful. We can choose to look and steep in the dark, but we can also choose to look towards the light even if we're not there yet.

Hope my words were of some help or comfort. If anything just know I'm here to talk and listen if you'd like.

Take care out there!

I find it interesting you listen to Gregory and the Hawk too! I love listening to music a lot, that's why I dance. I'm not the best singer (maybe just saying that because I'm constantly surrounded by people more talented than I am in university), but I love dance because I can express myself without judgment.

I guess part of my jadedness is being forced to take a science program and to serve the country. We have some schools and organizations here that essentially rope you into signing a contract you don't fully understand the consequences and repercussions of at around 10-13. It basically forces you to stay in the country and take a specific program, full of corruption and whatnot to the point that getting said program kind of becomes useless since you get paid minimum wage for postgraduate level work (I mean, it isn't as BAD as the other countries, but still). The schools and the overly nationalistic people also keep trying to indoctrinate you that you need to work and serve here, saying that if people just keep leaving the country for greener pastures, no one will be left behind. But is it so bad if you do want greener pastures: a decent public transportation system in another country, decent healthcare, and a place where past 6 PM, you're not afraid to get shanked or or stabbed to death?

I don't know if there's a term for that. It's like religious guilt/trauma, but for like nationalism and patriotism. Even if I do get to leave the country, I'll always be guilted because of all the indoctrination I got as a child from all the shit they said in schools.

I guess focusing on dance would be a good thing. I just feel like I'm not good enough for it sometimes, not getting picked for auditions and competitions.

 

[logi3535]

basically, pretty much what i've learned is that society shuns you for being different and not being able to cope with a shitty corporate capitalist world but oh no, you aren't allowed to kill yourself because you're too valuable and important as a human being. and then it fucking proves you wrong again, as you're just easily replaceable in school, in work, in relationships and friendships, etc.

truer words have never been spoken... It really frustrates me how living is portrayed as something that you MUST do, yet I feel like most people react to hearing someone thats suicidal as the same tone of a parent scolding their children for breaking into the cookie jar "no-no, you can't do that again!" its so frustrating.

sorry to hear you feel that way though :( I believe in the right that everyone is entitled to take their own life, but it's still tragic to think that life can be worth living, otherwise there wouldn't be happy people, yet its the unfortunates of this world that make it difficult or even impossible.

 

[wondering&wandering]

I find it interesting you listen to Gregory and the Hawk too! I love listening to music a lot, that's why I dance. I'm not the best singer (maybe just saying that because I'm constantly surrounded by people more talented than I am in university), but I love dance because I can express myself without judgment.

I guess part of my jadedness is being forced to take a science program and to serve the country. We have some schools and organizations here that essentially rope you into signing a contract you don't fully understand the consequences and repercussions of at around 10-13. It basically forces you to stay in the country and take a specific program, full of corruption and whatnot to the point that getting said program kind of becomes useless since you get paid minimum wage for postgraduate level work (I mean, it isn't as BAD as the other countries, but still). The schools and the overly nationalistic people also keep trying to indoctrinate you that you need to work and serve here, saying that if people just keep leaving the country for greener pastures, no one will be left behind. But is it so bad if you do want greener pastures: a decent public transportation system in another country, decent healthcare, and a place where past 6 PM, you're not afraid to get shanked or or stabbed to death?

I don't know if there's a term for that. It's like religious guilt/trauma, but for like nationalism and patriotism. Even if I do get to leave the country, I'll always be guilted because of all the indoctrination I got as a child from all the shit they said in schools.

I guess focusing on dance would be a good thing. I just feel like I'm not good enough for it sometimes, not getting picked for auditions and competitions.

Wow, I've never met someone else who listens (or even heard of) Gregory and the Hawk! That's so cool! Any favorite songs from her? For me, I'd have to say Ghost is my favorite (although, there really aren't any songs I dislike; they're all so good!).

Anyway, I can't imagine growing up the way you did. There's a lot of patriotism from where I come from too, but my country really values freedom (at least, we preach it even if everyone isn't as free as they'd like to be, but I digress). But it makes sense for anyone to get jaded from having to go through what you had to and still have to—now and in the future. From what I can tell, people really lose the will to live when they don't see a happy future. Why continue living a rotten live that will continue to be rotten? It makes sense. However, I like to think the future will be different. I mean, it will be different, that's just one of the principles of life: change comes upon us and the whole universe whether we're ready or not.

I don't think it's bad of you to desire greener pastures. Sure there are things we want that we'll never have, but I think we shouldn't trap ourselves in a false dichotomy between either having a perfect life or ctb. Instead, I try to focus on the things that make me happy and then build outward from there.

I agree with you though in terms of guilt. The past will always follow us no matter how far in the future we go. That's awfully tough to cut through the indoctrination. If you ever want to talk or just simply vent I'm here.

Hope you can focus on your dancing, but not just at getting better but at enjoying it all the more as you find time to do it for yourself. Rejection can be tough, and that's a seemingly insurmountable hurdle I personally face, but it doesn't stop me from now creating my own music. I'm very behind compared to others, and I'll never ever be as good as them, but what's my goal? My goal is to learn how to make the music I want for myself so I can sit back and let it wash over me in my own creation. And then, if/when I feel ready I'll share it with anyone who wants to listen.

May you dance well and happily,

jenny6391bubbles

. And even if everyone won't pick you to dance for them, I'm sure someone will want to see you dance in the future. Take care out there!

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

Wow, I've never met someone else who listens (or even heard of) Gregory and the Hawk! That's so cool! Any favorite songs from her? For me, I'd have to say Ghost is my favorite (although, there really aren't any songs I dislike; they're all so good!).

Anyway, I can't imagine growing up the way you did. There's a lot of patriotism from where I come from too, but my country really values freedom (at least, we preach it even if everyone isn't as free as they'd like to be, but I digress). But it makes sense for anyone to get jaded from having to go through what you had to and still have to—now and in the future. From what I can tell, people really lose the will to live when they don't see a happy future. Why continue living a rotten live that will continue to be rotten? It makes sense. However, I like to think the future will be different. I mean, it will be different, that's just one of the principles of life: change comes upon us and the whole universe whether we're ready or not.

I don't think it's bad of you to desire greener pastures. Sure there are things we want that we'll never have, but I think we shouldn't trap ourselves in a false dichotomy between either having a perfect life or ctb. Instead, I try to focus on the things that make me happy and then build outward from there.

I agree with you though in terms of guilt. The past will always follow us no matter how far in the future we go. That's awfully tough to cut through the indoctrination. If you ever want to talk or just simply vent I'm here.

Hope you can focus on your dancing, but not just at getting better but at enjoying it all the more as you find time to do it for yourself. Rejection can be tough, and that's a seemingly insurmountable hurdle I personally face, but it doesn't stop me from now creating my own music. I'm very behind compared to others, and I'll never ever be as good as them, but what's my goal? My goal is to learn how to make the music I want for myself so I can sit back and let it wash over me in my own creation. And then, if/when I feel ready I'll share it with anyone who wants to listen.

May you dance well and happily,

jenny6391bubbles

. And even if everyone won't pick you to dance for them, I'm sure someone will want to see you dance in the future. Take care out there!

I think my first song was Oats We Sow, the Youtube algorithm just randomly gave a video containing all the songs from the Moenie and Kitchi album. I love that song, as well as Doubtful and Boats & Birds (I think this was in another album). I also recently found out one of my friends has listened to Gregory and the Hawk! That makes us 3 :D

A lot of what you've said aligns with stuff I've learned in my psychology classes about motivations, emotions, and positivity (which emphasizes that it's okay to feel negative emotions and negative emotions are not bad or evil). These learnings are still relatively new, so they haven't fully integrated with my beliefs and attitudes about life yet. But I did take a well-being tests before and after the class, my score was significantly lower for a lot of aspects compared to the class average, but my score before and after the semester got higher a bit in most aspects. I guess it'll take time for me to have a more positive outlook on life.

Would love to listen to your music someday too :) good luck with that!

 

[wondering&wandering]

I think my first song was Oats We Sow, the Youtube algorithm just randomly gave a video containing all the songs from the Moenie and Kitchi album. I love that song, as well as Doubtful and Boats & Birds (I think this was in another album). I also recently found out one of my friends has listened to Gregory and the Hawk! That makes us 3 :D

Haha, yes, the Youtube algorithm blessed me as well in the same way. And yes, Boats & Birds is a great album/EP too! Now I can say I know of two other fans. :D

A lot of what you've said aligns with stuff I've learned in my psychology classes about motivations, emotions, and positivity (which emphasizes that it's okay to feel negative emotions and negative emotions are not bad or evil). These learnings are still relatively new, so they haven't fully integrated with my beliefs and attitudes about life yet. But I did take a well-being tests before and after the class, my score was significantly lower for a lot of aspects compared to the class average, but my score before and after the semester got higher a bit in most aspects. I guess it'll take time for me to have a more positive outlook on life.

Oh, psychology. I've always liked that topic when it comes around. Very interesting stuff. I'm happy to hear it seems to have helped improve your mental health.

Would love to listen to your music someday too :) good luck with that!

Aw, thanks! I'm still in the early leaning phases, but it's something that makes me happy so I'll keep at it! :)