MindFrog
:Professional Hypocrite:
- Nov 19, 2020
- 723
I've been stuck in my room for a week now. I'm only being fueled by bread and water of all things.
I had a massive fight with my mother cos I complained about being treated like shit in her house. It's like a cycle, they'll be civil at first but once I let my guard down they'll abuse me. So i shut myself here. I'm just so tired of walking on eggshells, bracing for the next time they'll blow up.
The walls of room are quite thin though. Yesterday I heard my mom making fun of me in front of her friends. Telling them how I sometimes say "I fucking wanna die." and then calling me dramatic. Hearing them laugh about it hurts so much.
Is that even normal? Do mothers do that to their daughters? Maybe it's justified BECAUSE i'm such a useless piece of shit. Maybe if I was successful in life she wouldn't say that?
But no. I know her. She was ashamed even when I was young. Telling me how embarrassing it is for her colleagues to look at a kid that looks so stressed for her age. Dismissing me or telling me it's my fault when I ask for emotional guidance.
Maybe that's why I never stand up against my bullies. I was so used to that behavior at home that I thought it was normal.
She was only civil with me cos I do all the house chores and watch her mother. It's funny how they're bribing me with food so I can do it again. I'd rather starve than pretend anymore. I hear her getting frustrated and saying how much of a fucking brat I am.
I know better now though. Even when i can't tell outright.
That I don't have to prove anything to her.
That she really didn't do shit.
That I don't need her approval.
That I don't owe her my life.
It still hurts though. How they think it's normal to abuse me. Physically and emotionally. Even before that I know what that is. I guess even from that start I have no chance to be loved.
Everything has to be fucking earned. I'm just so tired of working for it.
I do hope they just want me to die. Atleast It'll bring meaning to the abuse. Cos thinking that I won't kill myself even how much they hurt me would be fucking sadistic.
I had a massive fight with my mother cos I complained about being treated like shit in her house. It's like a cycle, they'll be civil at first but once I let my guard down they'll abuse me. So i shut myself here. I'm just so tired of walking on eggshells, bracing for the next time they'll blow up.
The walls of room are quite thin though. Yesterday I heard my mom making fun of me in front of her friends. Telling them how I sometimes say "I fucking wanna die." and then calling me dramatic. Hearing them laugh about it hurts so much.
Is that even normal? Do mothers do that to their daughters? Maybe it's justified BECAUSE i'm such a useless piece of shit. Maybe if I was successful in life she wouldn't say that?
But no. I know her. She was ashamed even when I was young. Telling me how embarrassing it is for her colleagues to look at a kid that looks so stressed for her age. Dismissing me or telling me it's my fault when I ask for emotional guidance.
Maybe that's why I never stand up against my bullies. I was so used to that behavior at home that I thought it was normal.
She was only civil with me cos I do all the house chores and watch her mother. It's funny how they're bribing me with food so I can do it again. I'd rather starve than pretend anymore. I hear her getting frustrated and saying how much of a fucking brat I am.
I know better now though. Even when i can't tell outright.
That I don't have to prove anything to her.
That she really didn't do shit.
That I don't need her approval.
That I don't owe her my life.
It still hurts though. How they think it's normal to abuse me. Physically and emotionally. Even before that I know what that is. I guess even from that start I have no chance to be loved.
Everything has to be fucking earned. I'm just so tired of working for it.
I do hope they just want me to die. Atleast It'll bring meaning to the abuse. Cos thinking that I won't kill myself even how much they hurt me would be fucking sadistic.