Venting i feel like i’m being existentially punished for my suicidal thoughts.

[K-β]

i potentially have breast cancer, & i have to get an ultrasound next week to confirm if i do or not. despite my constant suicidal ideation & wishes to die in some tragic accident, now that the potential of something like that is actually real, for the first time in a long time, i genuinely don't want to die. is this some sort of punishment? i don't know, my life has been wasted and i don't want to go out like this. at least with suicide i'd go out on my own terms, even if it's premature. i'm trans too, and so i've spent my entire life wishing so deeply to be a woman and to have breasts and when i got on hrt and they started coming in, it was one of the few things that actually kept me going, now that could go away.

i'm really scared. i feel like a deer staring in headlights. i have so many regrets & im only 18, i don't want to die yet. it's like the world keeps throwing suffering my way for no reason other than to hurt me over & over again. i wish i never existed so i didn't have to go through this.

 

[Yoyo_honeybee]

Gosh that sounds difficult, have you got the results? How did it go?

 

[hopeless08]

i potentially have breast cancer, & i have to get an ultrasound next week to confirm if i do or not. despite my constant suicidal ideation & wishes to die in some tragic accident, now that the potential of something like that is actually real, for the first time in a long time, i genuinely don't want to die. is this some sort of punishment? i don't know, my life has been wasted and i don't want to go out like this. at least with suicide i'd go out on my own terms, even if it's premature. i'm trans too, and so i've spent my entire life wishing so deeply to be a woman and to have breasts and when i got on hrt and they started coming in, it was one of the few things that actually kept me going, now that could go away.

i'm really scared. i feel like a deer staring in headlights. i have so many regrets & im only 18, i don't want to die yet. it's like the world keeps throwing suffering my way for no reason other than to hurt me over & over again. i wish i never existed so i didn't have to go through this.

I'm so sorry your story is really sad. When you want to die you can't and then when you want to live you can't either.
We live in a cruel world. I don't why the universe sees this suffering and can't give us a break.
However, on another note, you don't know yet if you have breast cancer or not , I know you're scared but hopefully the results will determine that you dont have it. My thoughts are with you