Venting I feel like I'm being bullied.

[Housefly]

All the choice and the illusion of choice. Not being able to tell which is what and what is not. I'm not interested in a goose chase. And it's the competing with other people for the same thing it's all so tedious and boring and not worth it to me. I feel like even now I'm doing too much. Im waking up, I'm eating, I'm trying to exercise and do things that take my mind off it this but it's a delusion. And I'm going to bring that up with the therapist, I'll ask her what the basic things in life that the average person would experience.

Genuinely don't care because that's not the point. I don't care what she likes, has nothing to do with me. I am an average person I just want different things.For me and I should be allowed to have it. I don't care if it's short sighted, what if there's a beyond, what if you find something. I don't care to find it, I don't want it. I am a quitter. I don't like stress, I don't like pain. Life is full of it. One whiff of those two bastards and I'm first: isolating so I can wallow, then I'm going to look for an exit route. Because I don't care for all the good if the things that could be much worse is out there.

It feels like I'm being bullied to "enjoy life".

"What! You don't want (to do) anything? You would prefer to die? Oh no no no let's get you some HELP. Life is beautiful just think of all the places you can go and things you can do and people you can meet. Oh that sounds like too much? Well you can read a book, learn to sew, do the small things that make you happy. (I can't recreate happy feelings in my mind even if I can recall something being fun). Come on now you just sound lazy..."

Ding ding ding!

I thought I was a rational, autonomous being with rights. All the rights except this one. No, put her in the loonie bin. That should fix her, When genuinely coming out of there reaffirmed everything I already thought.

But that's a "maladjusted behaviour" that drugs and good ol ~~brainwashing ~~ therapy should help.

I don't care about the accepted conventions around the life cycle. I'm an adult. A mentally feeble (that's a joke about being not 'chemically imbalanced') adult. I don't want to have to distract myself, that only means you are choosing to be delusional and egotistical. Add authoritarian to that. I'm just so over it but I'm too tired to do anything right now.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

Yeah... absolutely agree. Although it seems rare to hear your own thoughts in a world like this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how in this dreadful world there's a lack of acceptance towards the fact that not everyone wants to exist here. To me existing is just pointless, tedious and unappealing in the first place, and continuing to exist should be seen as a choice rather than an obligation, I would prefer to escape from all unnecessary suffering, it's like many people forget that we are just destined to die anyway.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel like I had that exact same argument with @lifeanddeath the other day- barred now. I stupidly thought I could reason with a pro-lifer and get them to see life through our lense.

You know what I think it is? They don't feel like they can say: 'You HAVE to live no matter what- you're not entitled to autonomy' because- that sounds kind of totalitarian. That IS what they intend though... Still- to come across as 'our friend' and to try and emulate caring- they will go for the softer option: 'Let's try and make you happy in life- because then- you'll want to live.' Try this and this and this... That doesn't work- how about this? On and on. If it STILL isn't working- you're not trying hard enough. You need to believe for it to work. You HAVE to get better. We could try medication. A stay in the psyche ward. How about ECT? There's DEFINITELY something wrong with you if you don't want to be happy...

If you have the audacity to try and end your life and get caught/stopped- you're definitely off to the psyche ward. All illusions drop then- nevermind if you're happy or not- now we'll simply just restrain you to keep you 'safe'... And then we'll start again...

 

[Housefly]

I feel like I had that exact same argument with @lifeanddeath the other day- barred now. I stupidly thought I could reason with a pro-lifer and get them to see life through our lense.

You know what I think it is? They don't feel like they can say: 'You HAVE to live no matter what- you're not entitled to autonomy' because- that sounds kind of totalitarian. That IS what they intend though... Still- to come across as 'our friend' and to try and emulate caring- they will go for the softer option: 'Let's try and make you happy in life- because then- you'll want to live.' Try this and this and this... That doesn't work- how about this? On and on. If it STILL isn't working- you're not trying hard enough. You need to believe for it to work. You HAVE to get better. We could try medication. A stay in the psyche ward. How about ECT? There's DEFINITELY something wrong with you if you don't want to be happy...

If you have the audacity to try and end your life and get caught/stopped- you're definitely off to the psyche ward. All illusions drop then- nevermind if you're happy or not- now we'll simply just restrain you to keep you 'safe'... And then we'll start again...

Better yet I think I get what I think it is. I recently got out of being institutionalized and had to go back to see if the new meds were taking. Long story short she says something very interesting "I will say (pro life psychology thing) and it will go over your head because of your present mental state. To you the negative/ depressive symptoms so you won't get it until you get the right medication and therapy."

The same is the reversed, they are so convinced that life is great that they simply couldn't understand people who disagree.

"Life is full of good and a bit of bad but for you life is all bad with minimal good to justify it" ... She literally almost had it. Why is your ideation more acceptable than my own. They agreed that I am adult with autonomy, and I am a rational human being able to make any decision I want... Except this one. I regret opening my fucking mouth.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Love your post.
They will never try to see our side. Especially therapists and prolifers.
Therapists don't want to look bad if they fail to keep us alive. They know life is shitty for many of us and it will never improve.
Prolifers want to feel like they are doing their"good deed" for the day if they rescue someone. Without actually doing anything to make someones situation better. They are all about it Until it costs to much money or too much of their time.
How dare someone choose to end their existence.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Better yet I think I get what I think it is. I recently got out of being institutionalized and had to go back to see if the new meds were taking. Long story short she says something very interesting "I will say (pro life psychology thing) and it will go over your head because of your present mental state. To you the negative/ depressive symptoms so you won't get it until you get the right medication and therapy."

The same is the reversed, they are so convinced that life is great that they simply couldn't understand people who disagree.

"Life is full of good and a bit of bad but for you life is all bad with minimal good to justify it" ... She literally almost had it. Why is your ideation more acceptable than my own. They agreed that I am adult with autonomy, and I am a rational human being able to make any decision I want... Except this one. I regret opening my fucking mouth.

It's difficult on the one hand because I have considered this myself- Can I actually ever be that happy? Do I have negatively skewed vision? (call it depression if you like.) But then- I would say that has become part of my character- I'm a pessimist. I suppose I see it as more realistic... and moralistic. I don't particularly want to change my character to 'fit in' with the rest of society. 'But it would mean you would lead a happier life.' Would it really feel real though? I wonder. I REALLY don't like the idea of taking drugs to alter my mind and my mood either. I doubt these doctors REALLY know how they work. Plus- HOW can you live a truly 'happy' life in this world without closing your eyes to what's going on in it?

I guess I want proof as well- where is the physical evidence that I'm mentally ill? I really wish they'd done more research into the physical manifestations of mental illness. Can you imagine if they ONLY diagnosed physical illness by listening to a set of symtoms the patient gives them?!! 'Hmmm, chest pains huh? Sounds heart related- let's open you up...' Can you imagine how many mistakes they would make?!! It just seems weird to me that they seem to diagnose mental 'illness' this way. Even weirder considering I don't think they entirely know how the brain works. So- basically- we don't know what's going on in your brain. We don't entirely understand it ourselves but- you think differently to me- so- it must be illness. Let's put you on these drugs that we don't entirely understand what they do and see what happens.

Of course- I'm not undermining or refuting there there is such a thing as mental illness. I just wish the diagnosis of it was less woolly. I guess multiple brain scans probably aren't that good for you though- all that radiation... and expensive to boot.

God- she sounds so patronizing/ insulting. 'Your limited/ tainted/ twisted brain won't be able to comprehend this.' You know- I'd be so tempted to do the reverse: give her a whole long list of REALLY bad human statistics-

- 828 million people plus are starving in the world.
-719 million people live below the poverty line.
- 1 in 30 women are raped or sexually assaulted each year.
- Hate crimes (I'm presuming) are on the rise.
- We've directly caused 680 vertebrated species of animal to go extinct.
- We've altered 70% of the world's land.
- Just 3% of the land's ecosystem remains untouched by humans.

But... of course YOU'RE (this therapist or- whoever she is) brain will tell you that's all A-OK. It's GREAT to be human. It's GREAT that we're destroying the planet, exploiting one another right left and centre, murdering one another. How is it fucking SANE to be happy in this world?!! Surely- you need to suspend your awareness to be sane or- you need to be a sociopath/psychopath- so- you can watch the news on just about any given day and feel just fine about it because- it isn't affecting you right? Screw everyone else. How is that 'normal'?!!

Of course we CAN be 'happy' or- at least- content with all that going on. I tend to be really irresponsible and avoid the news and what's going on in the world as much as possible. Still- I'd love to know what she would class as a 'normal' and 'healthy' response to all that. I expect she will say ignore it. No one but a psychopath can be 'happy' about what's REALLY going on on this planet day to day!

I'd REALLY want to say that though- so- given what this world is like. Given that all of us are part of the problem- we ALL pollute and the majority of us are exploiting someone else (unless you're a starving child in a third world nation) how do YOU live comfortably with that? Is distraction the key? Your job? Your family? Your hobbies? Do you just ignore the othet stuff? Is that the solution? We should just all bury our heads in the sand? I mean- I guess the 'healthiest' response would be to become an activist on the issues that concern us most. So- do you think any of us can REALLY make a difference? I'd say 'no' on the REALLY big issues. You know... I reckon that woman would actually drive me crazy!!

 

[telro]

My ideology doesn't change based on what mood I'm in. I've had time where I haven't been depressed, yet that still didn't mean that I saw life as something worth living or worth experiencing. I've asked people why they believe I'm wrong, but I've never received a satisfying, rational answer. People just assume I'm wrong. Is it really that hard to understand that I'm not interested in happiness? Should the existence of mental illnesses automatically negate anything I have to say on the topic?

This is why therapy has annoyed me more than it has helped. I don't need help, I can take care of myself just fine. I need answers.

 

[Housefly]

My ideology doesn't change based on what mood I'm in. I've had time where I haven't been depressed, yet that still didn't mean that I saw life as something worth living or worth experiencing. I've asked people why they believe I'm wrong, but I've never received a satisfying, rational answer. People just assume I'm wrong. Is it really that hard to understand that I'm not interested in happiness? Should the existence of mental illnesses automatically negate anything I have to say on the topic?

This is why therapy has annoyed me more than it has helped. I don't need help, I can take care of myself just fine. I need answers.

This is exactly where I am. I don't want to change anything about me really, I just want to know if this is really all it is so I can make the best decision for me and what I want.

I'm on lithium right now so I don't have depressive feelings or manic whatever but my mind hasn't changed. I don't want to be a wage slave. I don't want my own family. Never had a libido so don't need a partner either. I don't care about all the places I can go and see the same thing but maybe a bit better or worse. I don't care to do new things because I'm a boring old grouch who still thinks that to tolerate this world takes a level of delusion and egotistical selfishness that I don't posses. Don't want it. Nothing is wrong with me. Everybody gets to be selfish except in this.

Double standard in the name of 'concern for you so you don't do anything to hurt yourself". But if I wanted to drink myself to death that's fine, smoke till my lungs are tar and soot. Eat till I am fully engorged and immobile.

I don't take up space, I don't waste things, I don't buy things, I don't do any drugs except the ones prescribed. I did well in school I'm not a delinquent and have never been but IIIIII am the crazy one.