Help I feel like I’ll never be able to kill myself

[LifeQuitter]

I have everything I need to ctb and I'm confident it will work. I just can't do it for some reason. I never thought I'd be trapped with a way out.

 

[motherofmahesh]

I haven't bought what I need yet but I know that I'm too scared. People like to confuse my fear of the unknown with "hope"

 

[Namelesa]

SI is can be so controlling of us sometimes. I hope that if you want to ctb that you can escape its control.

Also do you any regrets about dying early or have a fear of what will happen after death?

 

[Kta1994]

I'm in the same boat

 

[shrizoid]

I have everything I need to ctb and I'm confident it will work. I just can't do it for some reason. I never thought I'd be trapped with a way out.

As much as I want to die everyday I also feel like I'll never be able to ctb as well, its an annoying as fuck hurdle to get over

 

[LukaParrot]

I have all I need too... but i'm ready.

If you cant do for a reason, like something you dont know, dont remember... a weird feeling.... stay for a while.... there's no rush to do things.

You can try to live one day at time and at least you know, you have a way out.

Why dont you do a checklist of things before CTB? Sometimes this can help you more than bills from therapy...

Wish you better days.

 

[LifeQuitter]

SI is can be so controlling of us sometimes. I hope that if you want to ctb that you can escape its control.

Also do you any regrets about dying early or have a fear of what will happen after death?

No, that's a major reason I want to ctb is because I don't care about stuff and never want to do anything. I don't fear what happens after we die because I think it'll be nothing. It's more that I would like to know that I've actually died and escaped this evil world.

 

[chickentodie]

I feel the same. I have every reason to go. I have the shotgun. I am suffering more than ever before every day. Can't get out of bed. Have no future. Yet I have two daughters and my mother and father. I'm not able to take care of any of them and could leave them a lot of money if I go so why am I not just doing it??? It's crazy. I feel like an utter coward. I need help to just pull the trigger. Don't know if anyone is allowed to help in that way. I have no idea how I'm going to get there.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I've also been ready to CTB but my plans were derailed when my antidepressants kicked in by surprise. Now all of my emotions are numbed and distant, except the fear of death or something going wrong which is intense. It also hurts that I have 2 children and I got to see them several times over the holidays, and my family has been more connected with me. I wish I had done it in early December before all this happened.

All of the problems in my life are as bad as ever and I want still want to die badly. I've been considering other methods, but right now only N seems appealing to me and it's a pipe dream. Maybe the medication effect will diminish at some point. I really hope I don't get trapped in this situation forever, it's torture.

 

[chickentodie]

Hey ! I think I was hoping to talk to you. You had the manic episode and lost uour daughters and wife?? Me too!!!!!!

I've also been ready to CTB but my plans were derailed when my antidepressants kicked in by surprise. Now all of my emotions are numbed and distant, except the fear of death or something going wrong which is intense. It also hurts that I have 2 children and I got to see them several times over the holidays, and my family has been more connected with me. I wish I had done it in early December before all this happened.

All of the problems in my life are as bad as ever and I want still want to die badly. I've been considering other methods, but right now only N seems appealing to me and it's a pipe dream. Maybe the medication effect will diminish at some point. I really hope I don't get trapped in this situation forever, it's torture.

I think I've been hoping to talk to you… you lost your two daughters and wife after a manic episode? Same exact situation for me!

I've also been ready to CTB but my plans were derailed when my antidepressants kicked in by surprise. Now all of my emotions are numbed and distant, except the fear of death or something going wrong which is intense. It also hurts that I have 2 children and I got to see them several times over the holidays, and my family has been more connected with me. I wish I had done it in early December before all this happened.

All of the problems in my life are as bad as ever and I want still want to die badly. I've been considering other methods, but right now only N seems appealing to me and it's a pipe dream. Maybe the medication effect will diminish at some point. I really hope I don't get trapped in this situation forever, it's torture.

How does one chat on this site??

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Hey ! I think I was hoping to talk to you. You had the manic episode and lost uour daughters and wife?? Me too!!!!!!

I think I've been hoping to talk to you… you lost your two daughters and wife after a manic episode? Same exact situation for me!

How does one chat on this site??

I think you need to post a certain number of messages first, like 20 or so.

 

[chickentodie]

I think you need to post a certain number of messages first, like 20 or so.

But you are the guy who had a manic episode and lost your wife and two daughters? Couldn't believe that the same scenario happened to me. It is the worst thing ever. And in my case it's all my fault. I knew better but didn't take care of my bipolar didn't take my meds and was doing psychedelics like an idiot. Lost everything. Now I literally want to die… and find it absolutely horrific both ways. To live or to ctb. I'm trapped in hell.

 

[Pryras]

There is no rush and at least you can feel some sort of relief knowing that nothing is permanent. We will all be gone eventually.

 

[thronesick]

i've made a countdown for myself last year. well two years ago i was sure i was gonna jump off a bridge but i didn't but this time is different. i feel overwhelmed and embarrassed to admit, scared. my days are outnumbered i plan to ctb in the last week of january but today as i drove through the city i became hyper aware of how unique how complex valid and full life is. to truly feel alive is unsettling when you know that the experience is finite. i can physically feel the weight on my chest the tension between the depth of life and finality of death. i remember talking to my counselor 8th grade we had a lesson on the conversation of energy like energy cannot be created or destroyed. i asked her if she believed in reincarnation or life after death and could that law be applied to it and she said no. how can something as rich as human life our thoughts feelings memory our mind just cease to exist? the world we come to know? unfortunately the law doesn't preserve consciousness or sense of self.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

But you are the guy who had a manic episode and lost your wife and two daughters? Couldn't believe that the same scenario happened to me. It is the worst thing ever. And in my case it's all my fault. I knew better but didn't take care of my bipolar didn't take my meds and was doing psychedelics like an idiot. Lost everything. Now I literally want to die… and find it absolutely horrific both ways. To live or to ctb. I'm trapped in hell.

Yeah, I did so many fucked up things while I was manic that I can barely allow myself to remember that period, it's too traumatic. I had the best intentions, but I was wrecking things for myself and my whole family. Now the girls are completely dependent on my wife and I barely see them. I want to live for them, but I'm useless and suffering constantly so I want to CTB for myself. I just wish I could make myself do it.

 

[stink144]

Me too

 

[chickentodie]

Yeah, I did so many fucked up things while I was manic that I can barely allow myself to remember that period, it's too traumatic. I had the best intentions, but I was wrecking things for myself and my whole family. Now the girls are completely dependent on my wife and I barely see them. I want to live for them, but I'm useless and suffering constantly so I want to CTB for myself. I just wish I could make myself do it.

Bro I hear you. I'm so sorry. We are such fucking assholes when we're manic. I want to take it all back. I went completely observant as a Jew
and went to Jerusalem to be with G-d and fully believed that being observant had cured my bipolar and I would never get depressed again. Like you, my intentions were pure but nonetheless I destroyed everything. Meanwhile, something horrible happened to my daughter while I was gone and everyone blamed me - and rightfully so- because I should never have left while there was already a crisis brewing. I'm such an idiot it's unbelievable. And now I live in a constant state of agony with shame and regret and guilt. Lost my girls and my partner of 15 years who love more than anything. My three favorite people in the world… because of my mismanagement and irresponsibility with my brain disorder—which I should have known better for sure!!! Total fool. Didn't listen to anyone. I knew better. Then I woke up in the worst depression of my life realizing it was all a delusion. The Torah didn't cure my depression. Made it worse after such delusional mania though! Tonight I was seriously considering ending it finally and my daughter surprised me after work and took me out to dinner which I could hardly handle. She is quite the comedian and now has a whole routine she's developing about me being suicidal and she made me promise I wouldn't do it during January when her and my other daughter's birthdays are. I promised. But it means I need to stick around for another month of insane pain. It's unending and there's so much more I'm not saying but it's pure agony for me. I feel like the biggest loser in the world. 50 years old. No job. No money. A life of bipolar failure. Have no idea why my daughter even wants to see me let alone to be my suicide stopper. I don't want to put her in that position but I'm so pathetic I have nothing else. I don't even want her to do it but maybe I do. But what a pathetic thing to do to my daughter. Put her in that position. But I keep telling her not to and not to move back to live with me because I'm so depressed but she insists. The whole thing is awful. But I should be thankful she cares about me enough to want to try at least. And it will be harder for me to do it than it already is if she's around all the time. I hope she doesn't find my shotgun! I may need to hide it better. I feel like a real asshole being willing to leave her and my other daughter - total abandonment- after I already fucked up so badly and hurt them so much. CTB would be the ultimate abandonment - and yet - my suffering is so extreme and severe and that I still want to do it— and YET - I can't believe how incredibly hard it is to do. I am so afraid of everything in my state of extreme depression and pulling the trigger is such an extreme fear. Omg. How can one be in such extreme pain and feel like it will never ever and yet still not have the balls to end it. It's torture. It's a trap. Fuck this. I'm really happy to have this site to vent on and talk to you all and learn from you all. I can't believe how hard it is to find people who believe in the freedom to choose.

 

[chickentodie]

There is no rush and at least you can feel some sort of relief knowing that nothing is permanent. We will all be gone eventually.

There's no rush? Well… except that… the pain is horrendous and I want it to end. And I don't know if someone in my family might find out about my shotgun and then they'll take it and maybe send me to a hospital or at the very least I'll be without an immediate escape and I'll have to hang myself which is not something I would want to do… when you have limited choices and the society is totally against ctb then there isn't exactly as much time as you'd like… there's always the chance that it gets harder to get the tools… so there's a time crunch even when there's not. Right?

 

[chickentodie]

I feel the same. I have every reason to go. I have the shotgun. I am suffering more than ever before every day. Can't get out of bed. Have no future. Yet I have two daughters and my mother and father. I'm not able to take care of any of them and could leave them a lot of money if I go so why am I not just doing it??? It's crazy. I feel like an utter coward. I need help to just pull the trigger. Don't know if anyone is allowed to help in that way. I have no idea how I'm going to get there.

I mean - it's pretty understandable why i am not totally comfortable blowing my brains out with a shotgun in my mouth. That's not something normal people want to do. It's pretty violent. It will be the most violent thing I've ever done to anyone by far. I've also been having some
Pretty far out conversations with myself trying to convince myself to do it. I'll be like. You better do it! You better kill me! Or, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself. No you won't you coward! And then I start asking like who is who? Who am I? Who is doing the killing? Who is afraid? Who is in pain? Who is suffering and who is going to pull the trigger? Who are these parts of me? What am I made of? How many people are in here? Makes me feel quite insane. And sitting in bed rotting for
Three weeks is also obviously insanity inducing and mostly only thinking about suicide and how I fucked everything up. And what a loser I am. This is all quite damaging and making everything worse. But I can't seem to stop or get out of this endless loop. Which of course makes me want to…


Die. Put an end to
This endless misery.


And yet it's so incredibly hard to do. And then I ask myself… so what? You haven't suffered enough asshole? You need more? Here comes more.

I just hope by the time I'm ready to overcome whatever this SI bullshit of millions of years of evolution is… it won't be too late and I'll still have the means.

I'm so sorry to all of you who are dealing with the same bullshit. I now understand the process of suicide like never before. Maybe this is something I could do for people somehow is to get involved helping people who are in this kind of pain. But I don't have a degree of any kind that would enable me to do it. Insane what one has to do to help people in this world. The hoops required to jump through. What a fucked up world. And fucked up people that wouldn't allow others to escape the hell they're in. Fuck pro lifers.