Venting i feel like ill always be stuck in a loop

[starryhrtz]

2 months ago i was preparing to finally ctb and was very sure its my final decision but then a month and a half after or smth i got so much energy and was starting to feel happy ? i knew it wasnt actual happiness because i wasnt even fine with life then but i felt good and now im just crashing again and its making me so emotional,, this happens every single year, everytime im finally close to ctb i bounce back out of nowhere im so tired i wish i never got that energy and been hopeful
anyway im just very pissed off with myself i need to get this shit over with, i feel suicidal like 290/365 days of the year anyway

 

[Abyssal]

This is the hell I live with too. It's one thing to be depressed, it's another to get the whiplash of the back and forth. When l started studying psychology I found myself wondering if I was bipolar or borderline because of it all, but from my own viewpoint I don't meet the criteria for either. ("You currently do not meet the criteria for bipolar disorder" I've had that said to me after being tested 3 times in my life for the disorder, it runs in my family and is very intense so it's not out of the picture.)My point is, we exist as something of outliers in the common idea of what it means to be mentally ill and that we don't have access to anything that could keep us at an equilibrium between good and bad.

 

[reiII]

My point is, we exist as something of outliers in the common idea of what it means to be mentally ill and that we don't have access to anything that could keep us at an equilibrium between good and bad.

yes to all of this i really do love the way you all write. i recently had a horrible realization i've been in this loop since i was a preteen. i think that's why i'm here now. why we're here.
you aren't alone author, that shit frustrating

 

[starryhrtz]

This is the hell I live with too. It's one thing to be depressed, it's another to get the whiplash of the back and forth. When l started studying psychology I found myself wondering if I was bipolar or borderline because of it all, but from my own viewpoint I don't meet the criteria for either. ("You currently do not meet the criteria for bipolar disorder" I've had that said to me after being tested 3 times in my life for the disorder, it runs in my family and is very intense so it's not out of the picture.)My point is, we exist as something of outliers in the common idea of what it means to be mentally ill and that we don't have access to anything that could keep us at an equilibrium between good and bad.

i did go to a therapist last year and she suspected it too but my parents argued with her bec she kept diagnosing me stuff (literally her job idk what they expected) so i stopped going,, but yeah swinging like this seriously sucks sorry u experience it too

 

[FuneralGrey]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I have similar experiences – about 80% of the time I know I want to ctb, but then there are these moments where everything seems better and like life could be okay. Inevitably, it crashes. And I can't even fully enjoy the "good" moments because I always know the bad times are next.

Once, three years ago, I allowed myself to feel actual hope. I saw a real future for myself for the first time basically ever. I genuinely thought I'd be okay. And then I had the worst year of my life. Even if I feel a bit better sometimes, I live with the constant knowledge that my life will end via ctb.

It sucks. I can hear how frustrating it is for you to go through the loop. I wish I had more comforting things to say, but I wish you well, in any case. I hope you're able to escape the loop and find peace.

 

[IWishToDie]

Damn, I know the feeling. Best of luck to you