breachswapper
⊙ " even hell rejects you... "
- Sep 24, 2025
- 6
everytime i get super suicidal it's worse than the last. i usually want to die in passing, but the times where i'm actively trying to die are getting more frequent, more intense, and more prolonged. i end up isolating myself very often and withdrawing from friends but when i come back i'm super energetic and affectionate for a few days, and usually lose that energy very quickly because i'm too exhausted to maintain my relationships. i so quickly go from sweet to bitter, i'm so hot and cold with them and it feels like i'm carrying out the same patterns people warn others of. giving someone so much grace and then taking it away, to make them "crave my attention" or something like that, because it's so rare.
it then feels like i'm some sort of attention seeker when i go to be by myself. my friends often try to reach out when i'm gone, and i ignore them, because usually they try to start talking to me like things are normal when i can't handle normal conversation at all. and then it feels like i'm giving them the silent treatment, but i feel like if i tell them not to talk to me they will think i don't love them. they love me so much, and i get a pit in my stomach thinking about the fact that i probably make them feel unloved, and unimportant.
it feels like i am a shell of myself. i don't really have the things i used to offer. all i think about all day is negativity and my favorite show, and i don't think anyone wants to hear about either of those constantly. i feel like that also comes off as manipulative. that i'll never be that amazing person they first met, as if that person was a lie to draw them in.
and then there's the posts about suicide i make, i never really talk about it in person but talk about it a lot on my private twitter, which they do see, and then that feels like it looks like i'm trying to guilt trip them, and that i'm just saying everything for sympathy. i feel like when i'm actually dead, they would understand that i didn't want to hurt them and that i really was just dealing with a lot. i feel like i feel calmer by myself, but i want to have friends, but i shouldn't have friends because the responsibility of them is something i'm too messed up to have, and i really really hate that. i want my friends to be happy and know that i love them, i want to hear them laugh and be happy, that makes me really happy because i love them. i don't want them to think i'm fake. i don't want them to think i see them as disposable. i don't want them to think i don't love them.
(hopefully this is understandable and not to jumbled up, i lost my voice a year ago and it's a lot harder for me to connect my ideas now because i just don't. talk much at all. brain atrophy stuff i think)
it then feels like i'm some sort of attention seeker when i go to be by myself. my friends often try to reach out when i'm gone, and i ignore them, because usually they try to start talking to me like things are normal when i can't handle normal conversation at all. and then it feels like i'm giving them the silent treatment, but i feel like if i tell them not to talk to me they will think i don't love them. they love me so much, and i get a pit in my stomach thinking about the fact that i probably make them feel unloved, and unimportant.
it feels like i am a shell of myself. i don't really have the things i used to offer. all i think about all day is negativity and my favorite show, and i don't think anyone wants to hear about either of those constantly. i feel like that also comes off as manipulative. that i'll never be that amazing person they first met, as if that person was a lie to draw them in.
and then there's the posts about suicide i make, i never really talk about it in person but talk about it a lot on my private twitter, which they do see, and then that feels like it looks like i'm trying to guilt trip them, and that i'm just saying everything for sympathy. i feel like when i'm actually dead, they would understand that i didn't want to hurt them and that i really was just dealing with a lot. i feel like i feel calmer by myself, but i want to have friends, but i shouldn't have friends because the responsibility of them is something i'm too messed up to have, and i really really hate that. i want my friends to be happy and know that i love them, i want to hear them laugh and be happy, that makes me really happy because i love them. i don't want them to think i'm fake. i don't want them to think i see them as disposable. i don't want them to think i don't love them.
(hopefully this is understandable and not to jumbled up, i lost my voice a year ago and it's a lot harder for me to connect my ideas now because i just don't. talk much at all. brain atrophy stuff i think)
