Anarcholoser
patron saint of denial
- Jan 8, 2021
- 23
(TW: eating disorder, rape, abuse)
I feel like I threw away my only chance at successfully ending my life.
When I was 18 I had very severe anorexia and was going into organ failure as a result. I was so close to death I could literally feel my body eating itself and starting to shut down. Doctors told my family I would probably be dead in a week or two and they should begin making funeral preparations. At first I was fine with this. I felt apathetic really, I was too physically exhausted to care.
But of course my doctors and family said "You are too young to die, you are throwing your life away, you haven't even had a chance to live yet, you should at least try to recover from your anorexia before you decide to die". So I signed papers and agreed to go to an eating disorder treatment center. I changed my mind almost immediately after I got there, but at that point it was too late and my doctors got a court order to hold me there against my will until I gained enough weight to not die.
That was 4 years ago. I did what everyone told me to do: I shut up, ate food, gained weight, graduated high school, etc. I fell for the lie that "it gets better" but if anything my life has gotten so much worse since I did what everyone told me to. I was trapped in a physically and sexually abusive relationship for two years, I was raped by a stranger, I now have chronic heart and stomach problems that cause me to faint and feel lightheaded, I've never been able to keep a job for longer than 6 months because I have panic attacks at work, and I have literally no friends and no one to talk to besides my dog. I am also probably going to be homeless soon, which scares me because I am worried about being raped or taken advantage of again.
I still want to die so badly but I am a coward and can't bring myself to pick up a gun and shoot myself, or jump off a bridge. The best I can do is make pathetic attempts at overdosing on pills or pray and hope my heart finally gives out. I wish I would have just told everyone to fuck off and let me starve to death 4 years ago. I can't even find the willpower to starve anymore, so even that is no longer a way out for me.
I feel like I threw away my only chance at successfully ending my life.
When I was 18 I had very severe anorexia and was going into organ failure as a result. I was so close to death I could literally feel my body eating itself and starting to shut down. Doctors told my family I would probably be dead in a week or two and they should begin making funeral preparations. At first I was fine with this. I felt apathetic really, I was too physically exhausted to care.
But of course my doctors and family said "You are too young to die, you are throwing your life away, you haven't even had a chance to live yet, you should at least try to recover from your anorexia before you decide to die". So I signed papers and agreed to go to an eating disorder treatment center. I changed my mind almost immediately after I got there, but at that point it was too late and my doctors got a court order to hold me there against my will until I gained enough weight to not die.
That was 4 years ago. I did what everyone told me to do: I shut up, ate food, gained weight, graduated high school, etc. I fell for the lie that "it gets better" but if anything my life has gotten so much worse since I did what everyone told me to. I was trapped in a physically and sexually abusive relationship for two years, I was raped by a stranger, I now have chronic heart and stomach problems that cause me to faint and feel lightheaded, I've never been able to keep a job for longer than 6 months because I have panic attacks at work, and I have literally no friends and no one to talk to besides my dog. I am also probably going to be homeless soon, which scares me because I am worried about being raped or taken advantage of again.
I still want to die so badly but I am a coward and can't bring myself to pick up a gun and shoot myself, or jump off a bridge. The best I can do is make pathetic attempts at overdosing on pills or pray and hope my heart finally gives out. I wish I would have just told everyone to fuck off and let me starve to death 4 years ago. I can't even find the willpower to starve anymore, so even that is no longer a way out for me.
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