Venting i feel like i genuinely don't belong here

[scoobie]

i am honestly not ready to ctb. and it bothers me. i want it more than anything but the thought of making my family relieve a second suicide makes me question whether or not i REALLY want to. everyone says it'll get better, the depression will go away etc etc but in my gut i just don't feel like it will. every day uses energy i don't have. i don't think i belong here, and if i did, i would be normal. which i'm not. theres no substance to me, i have no hobbies, no real personality, no close friends. i don't think i have any notable or special qualities. all the time i feel so dull and numb and when i think of a way to fix it, the only thing that comes to mind is suicide. i sound pretty down on myself but i've never really put any of this into words before and thats just how it came together.

 

[AppleTreeDog]

You're welcome here with open arms. I'm so sorry you're struggling so much.

 

[cambrai33]

i am honestly not ready to ctb. and it bothers me. i want it more than anything but the thought of making my family relieve a second suicide makes me question whether or not i REALLY want to. everyone says it'll get better, the depression will go away etc etc but in my gut i just don't feel like it will. every day uses energy i don't have. i don't think i belong here, and if i did, i would be normal. which i'm not. theres no substance to me, i have no hobbies, no real personality, no close friends. i don't think i have any notable or special qualities. all the time i feel so dull and numb and when i think of a way to fix it, the only thing that comes to mind is suicide. i sound pretty down on myself but i've never really put any of this into words before and thats just how it came together.

There are no membership personality requirements here just some rules you are asked to follow.

Most importantly you are not here just to ctb, you are here because your mind is in this place and it's a reasonably safe place to talk about how you are feeling without being judged. Others will feel or have felt the same so you and will want to help no matter what you decide.

Keep talking and try and be kind to yourself if you can

 

[Bleak]

I'm not actively suicidal either, just hopeless and wish passively to die.

 

[Elegy]

I belong here, but also I don't. That's because one minute I'm begging for an end to my pathetic miserable life, and the next, I'm fighting for my survival and trying to better my shituation. I guess I signed up mainly because I've been reading forum posts for a year, and can relate to many things members have said. Topics, viewpoints, and opinions I'm not seeing candidly discussed anywhere else on the web.

@scoobie, I genuinely hope things get better for you, and it is my understanding that urgently wanting to ctb is not a forum registration prerequisite. And certainly no one here should feel pressured to give up on life. As for hobbies, I used to have many. Painting, sculpting clay, virtual building, nature photography, guitar.... but my life fell apart, and I no longer have work space. Or even a home. And I lost my motivation due to chronic depression, and breaking up with my fiancee. She was my muse, my creative inspiration.

Anyway, my current hobbies have been relegated to digital mediums. Web design, graphic art, audio and video editing projects.

Would you be interested in building your own personal website? It's not much, but it's helping me express myself to some small extent. And my site does gather a tiny handful of readers. Some of whom email their feedback, which is one way to meet new people, maybe make a friend or two?

As for family... we are estranged. If I ctb, they won't even notice. Or care. But I do understand it's a painful issue for others such as yourself.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I don't belong either. I live an isolated, lonely life with only four empty walls and a white ceiling to keep me company. I'm simply not cut out for life. I don't live - I merely exist in a timeless loop where every is filled with torture.

 

[scoobie]

I don't belong either. I live an isolated, lonely life with only four empty walls and a white ceiling to keep me company. I'm simply not cut out for life. I don't live - I merely exist in a timeless loop where every is filled with torture.

i am honestly not ready to ctb. and it bothers me. i want it more than anything but the thought of making my family relieve a second suicide makes me question whether or not i REALLY want to. everyone says it'll get better, the depression will go away etc etc but in my gut i just don't feel like it will. every day uses energy i don't have. i don't think i belong here, and if i did, i would be normal. which i'm not. theres no substance to me, i have no hobbies, no real personality, no close friends. i don't think i have any notable or special qualities. all the time i feel so dull and numb and when i think of a way to fix it, the only thing that comes to mind is suicide. i sound pretty down on myself but i've never really put any of this into words before and thats just how it came together.

by "here" more so specifically this earth. but posting things for other people to reply with whatever they want is also a little nerve wracking

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

If you're not ready, you're not ready. Nobody wants you to die. Many of us are in exactly the same boat. I am too cowardly to ctb even though I see no objective point to my being alive. So I remain in this unpleasant limbo and I likely won't get the guts to exit unless something truly terrible happens to me. Like others said, you are always welcome to hang here as long as you like.

Don't get me wrong, I have on occasion felt like a fraud for not being able to go through with ctb but now I know that's just silly. We all have something of a shared mindset, and that's good enough to hang around.

 

[CTBer]

I don't belong anywhere but here I am. I guess I like to lurk/hang around other people with similar mindsets to mine, though.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not belong in this world, there is nothing for me here. I think in my case, I am not meant for this life and it has never felt right me being alive. No matter what happens, I know I will always be empty. It can be a painful feeling to feel as though you do not belong. Life can be so depressing. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Everyone is accepted here and brings whoever they are to the forum. This is supposed to be a refuge from society's crap. It's okay, you are fine as you are Scoobie x