I feel like a wimp

[abcz]

I'm not putting the vent title on because apparently it makes people want to respond less/not feel the need to respond but I need acknowledgement tbh. My roommate will be out of town from Wednesday til Sunday. A part of me wants to ctb during then. Another part of me doesnt.

Yesterday I was so excited about this idea and wanted to do something yesterday because I was actually motivated. Then today comes and I don't feel as much of a desire to do it. And originally I was going to do something tmr.

So now I don't know what I should do. Both choices feel wrong. I'm worried I am going to regret not ctbing or everyone on here is going to see me as a wimp or someone lying for attention, and doing so sooner rather than later also aligns with my desire to never get older. Also a part of me I feel will think I am weak, something I have thought for a while, and always seen self harm as strong as they can get through the pain. I'm mostly worried about leaving my family and friends. And I don't necessarily always hate life, nor am I currently in that phase, more just in the phase of everything is effort and I am tired of everything. I wish there was some way to not feel like you are going to regret either choice.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

Damn I feel so similar to you. For me also, if I choose to live I am putting myself in years of suffering, but if I choose to leave, in the back of my mind I still care and worry for my parents

 

[lita-lassi]

it isnt weak to weigh a permanent solution against a temporary problem. sounds like some loose ends may need tying. your feelings are valid friend and you are heard

 

[SarRy]

It's a choice. Choices are difficult to make. It is especially difficult to make a choice that eliminates the possibility of any further choices.

It is not a choice that anyone should take lightly. It's making a decision about the future. Neither choice is cowardly and there is no shame in changing one's mind. Perhaps, the question of whether to be or not is one where we should safely guard ourselves against the opinions of others. It is your life.

Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.

 

[Dr. Henjin]

It's easy to procrastinate. If you make up your mind to do it tomorrow you may find peace because that's a problem for future you, not current you, and it can be surprisingly easy to fail to realize future you is going to be present you in short order. I get it. Regardless of what you decide to do I hope it works out.

 

[abcz]

it isnt weak to weigh a permanent solution against a temporary problem. sounds like some loose ends may need tying. your feelings are valid friend and you are heard

I also don't know if the feelings are the same from person to person but just as suicidal thoughts don't last forever, they don't stay away forever as well. Also realistically this is also the best time if I want to do it before my birthday as well tbh. I don't want to be old. Even if I am one of the younger people on this site. Adult scared me. Now the idea of more. I miss when I thought that adult was 21 because that is the drinking age here. Then one more year wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be an adult right now. Nor would I be next year.

Perhaps, the question of whether to be or not is one where we should safely guard ourselves against the opinions of others

If I had the confidence, there are people that I would die if they asked me to tbh. I care about them that much. I have asked to be an unpaid servant for them that they could treat me however they'd like. Probably because it makes me feel useful and important. And in the end yes I do make the final decision, I just need support guiding my way tbh. And if I ask someone I know, I think I'd get sent straight to the hospital 99% of the time.

 

[abcz]

My roommate leaves at 8. I've been actually feeling pretty good this week though but I have therapy and there is a chance that ruins my day/week and I end up right back where I started. I feel an obligation to do something today or this week but I also am unsure if I want to do it when I'm not in an "I dont want to live" state of mind. I think a part of me did come here hearing the rumors and even though this place is so easy to talk to and wholesome, I also feel that me considering things and not doing things could hurt all of the others out there. As everyone else knows for sure it seems like, just not how they should do it, while mine is more in waves.

I'm also terrified because I learned last night that even after one is 18, their parents can do something and make it so they make all of your legal decisions and I am terrified of being sent to treatment again. If I go back, I think it will take away almost everything I like in my life and take away my future. Even if a part of me wants to drop out of school and live at home until I am kicked out. I know that I would rather die than go back to treatment and I now fear that regardless of what I say, the worst will happen.

 

[TheSource]

My roommate leaves at 8. I've been actually feeling pretty good this week though but I have therapy and there is a chance that ruins my day/week and I end up right back where I started. I feel an obligation to do something today or this week but I also am unsure if I want to do it when I'm not in an "I dont want to live" state of mind. I think a part of me did come here hearing the rumors and even though this place is so easy to talk to and wholesome, I also feel that me considering things and not doing things could hurt all of the others out there. As everyone else knows for sure it seems like, just not how they should do it, while mine is more in waves.

I'm also terrified because I learned last night that even after one is 18, their parents can do something and make it so they make all of your legal decisions and I am terrified of being sent to treatment again. If I go back, I think it will take away almost everything I like in my life and take away my future. Even if a part of me wants to drop out of school and live at home until I am kicked out. I know that I would rather die than go back to treatment and I now fear that regardless of what I say, the worst will happen.

In my opinion, I think you should keep going. If you're on the fence about it, the best choice is the one you can back out of. If you continue living and then choose to CTB another time, that option is there. But if you do CTB, you can't turn your back on that choice.

I see suicide as a last resort. And it looks like you're not 100% committed. Don't worry about it. No one's gonna judge you. We're not here to peer-pressure you into CTB-ing (and if someone tries to, don't listen to them). If you're not sure, don't do it. Maybe talk in the Recovery section. Don't commit to something you don't feel committed to and can't undo.

 

[abcz]

I guess the flip side is if i don't do this I will have to get older. And I don't know how to uncommit to that.