Venting I feel like a piece of garbage.

[BitterlyAlive]

**Possible trigger warning for self harm**

I've been gaining weight again because of binge eating. It's a disgusting habit that I've had since late elementary/early middle school. I really wish I could purge but the best thing I can do is punish myself by restricting and cutting myself.

Usually cutting numbs me out and helps me become detached. It's soothing to have the numbness come over me and to watch myself bleed. It's almost like I'm in a trance.

I just had another cutting session. I'm pissed because this time really sucked. I didn't numb out and my cuts were too superficial. It was a waste of time, antibiotics, and bandages. I want to cut again to punish myself for not doing it properly (wtf brain) but that's even dumber. I'll just sit here with my frustration and disappointment.

I think I'll just starve myself and try to zone out today. I don't need to eat anything, especially since I've been so bad lately. If I can make myself zone out, then I'll lose track of time and the day will hopefully go by quicker.

I'm not excited for my therapy and doctor's appointments coming up. My doctor is going to be disappointed when they see I've gained weight and when I tell them I want to stop taking my meds. My therapist is going to have a fun time with me and my moody ass.

God I hate myself. Even writing this out, I just see excuse after excuse for how immature and stupid I am.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I used to do this myself. I hated myself so I would cut my arms.
Just so I could feel the pain on the outside to reflect the pain that I was feeling on the inside. I feel you there!
Im here for you if you ever need to offload. Hugs from you from me.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I used to do this myself. I hated myself so I would cut my arms.
Just so I could feel the pain on the outside to reflect the pain that I was feeling on the inside. I feel you there!
Im here for you if you ever need to offload. Hugs from you from me.

Thank you. I may try again later today. Maybe it'll be better and I'll go numb. :/

 

[madbananas]

**Possible trigger warning for self harm**

I've been gaining weight again because of binge eating. It's a disgusting habit that I've had since late elementary/early middle school. I really wish I could purge but the best thing I can do is punish myself by restricting and cutting myself.

Usually cutting numbs me out and helps me become detached. It's soothing to have the numbness come over me and to watch myself bleed. It's almost like I'm in a trance.

I just had another cutting session. I'm pissed because this time really sucked. I didn't numb out and my cuts were too superficial. It was a waste of time, antibiotics, and bandages. I want to cut again to punish myself for not doing it properly (wtf brain) but that's even dumber. I'll just sit here with my frustration and disappointment.

I think I'll just starve myself and try to zone out today. I don't need to eat anything, especially since I've been so bad lately. If I can make myself zone out, then I'll lose track of time and the day will hopefully go by quicker.

I'm not excited for my therapy and doctor's appointments coming up. My doctor is going to be disappointed when they see I've gained weight and when I tell them I want to stop taking my meds. My therapist is going to have a fun time with me and my moody ass.

God I hate myself. Even writing this out, I just see excuse after excuse for how immature and stupid I am.

You're definitely not immature or stupid.
I'm also a binge eater but have never purged because one of my favourite things about me is my nice set of teeth haha. You're coping with how you're feeling and that's valid. It's unfair for you though to have to feel a way which leaves you basically no choice but to do these things. It's easy for me to say though, and I'm being a bit of a hypocrite cause I feel the same quite a lot of the time. Do you get therapy and doctor appointments often or are they sparse?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You're definitely not immature or stupid.
I'm also a binge eater but have never purged because one of my favourite things about me is my nice set of teeth haha. You're coping with how you're feeling and that's valid. It's unfair for you though to have to feel a way which leaves you basically no choice but to do these things. It's easy for me to say though, and I'm being a bit of a hypocrite cause I feel the same quite a lot of the time. Do you get therapy and doctor appointments often or are they sparse?

I've never purged either. My teeth are too bad and I can't afford to let them get worse. I've been seeing my doctor a lot this year for antidepressants. I also started therapy again. I've cycled through a lot of therapists and found one that may work. I dunno. :/

 

[IwishIwasAttractive]

same i have recessed tiny chin. i feel disgusting

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Don't be to hard on yourself sweetie. I think a lot of "us" find comfort in food. And afterwards feel so guilty, we begin an intimate relationship with the toilet / a bucket.

I gained weight trough medication, great! Feeling unhappy about that, so in came chocolate.. Im not saying I look like Jabba the Hut, but im definitely not skinny, plus, I'm only 5"2....you get the picture..


Im very aware that some people may think i look horrible. And ofcourse I care. But we are so much stronger on whole different levels. Weight is just weight, it can be helped. A shit attitude not.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Thank you. I may try again later today. Maybe it'll be better and I'll go numb. :/

You can always talk to me after, if you like. PM me later

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Can relate, I'm basically a waste of oxygen. I want to damage my body because I hate it and myself.