Help I feel less and less able to commit suicide even if my life feels like it is falling apart.

[Vivir_O_No]

As the title says, do you think this is a sign that I should push with everything I have?

I was writing in my journal about the anxiety I was feeling due to the fact that I don't want to face a relapse again. But at one point I remembered that even when I was at my worst, because of the physical pain I was in, I wasn't able to make a decision like that, and then I laughed and said "fuck it, I can't kill myself anymore". I guess I have to live.

Fuck, it's all so hard, isn't it?

 

[Unknown21]

I can't say it better than this, you literally said what was on my mind. I think it's due to low energy, I just want to sit and do nothing, depression is draining. I don't know if these are signs of staying alive longer. All of this is very difficult and very stressful, this is not life, this is torture.

 

[Hunterer]

Porra, é tudo tão difícil, não é?

Yes, I agree. In this life, everything is very difficult and requires a lot of effort, even dying. You have to worry about whether the method you chose will be painful or not, whether it will last a long time, whether it will work or not, whether there will be people around to help you... Honestly, people say that life is a gift, but that is not true for everyone. Many of us are destined to a life full of pain and suffering, and even when we think about giving up on everything, there are still difficulties that stop us, such as the ones I mentioned above and the SI, which will not let us die so easily.

 

[porteduniform10]

It becomes an horrendous paradox when the challenges to take one's own life are equal to or greater than the innecesary suffering by life itself. It's like some kind of filter, someone over there, seeing who actually makes it, and who gives up on giving up.

I know, death seems so out of reach at times, the energy drain from the exhaustion and frustration from not being able to just die is horrible, and while it might not be a straight answer, know that these feelings are mutual, I believe a lot of people here myself included, struggle with actually going ahead with it, for one reason or another

 

[Vivir_O_No]

It becomes an horrendous paradox when the challenges to take one's own life are equal to or greater than the innecesary suffering by life itself. It's like some kind of filter, someone over there, seeing who actually makes it, and who gives up on giving up.

I know, death seems so out of reach at times, the energy drain from the exhaustion and frustration from not being able to just die is horrible, and while it might not be a straight answer, know that these feelings are mutual, I believe a lot of people here myself included, struggle with actually going ahead with it, for one reason or another

The truth is, I'm starting to think I'll never be able to do it, but at the same time I felt so elated when the rope hugged my neck.

 

[turnoverover]

me too i find solace in my inability to actually go through with it but im fine with that i use my methods and this forum as a clutch for these feelings. i think

 

[emma99]

I'm the same.
I received some bad news a few months ago which lead to the idea that I shout CTB.
I felt quite euphoric after discovering the information on this website and even whilst
procuring all the instruments I would need for the inert gas method

Im nowhere near any set date as I still have hope that my situation will change.
but now that im actually equipped to ctb iv noticed that my mood has shifted drastically

So much so that Iv actually been flagged on a few social media sites as suicidal.

 

[indefinitesleep]

I feel the same, death is a scary concept because its so final, the thought of me sitting there waiting while the sn is in my body knowing Ill never exist again scares me even though thats what I want most, youre definitely not alone in this