My family, friends, and boyfriend all know that i used to want to end it all. They believe I've gotten passed that point. But the truth is that I really haven't. I think about CTB every single day. They wonder why. Why would I CTB if my life is going so good? If I have a lot of people around me? If I'm doing mentally okay, why would I do this to myself? They don't understand my BPD. Every single day is a battle in my mind, my thoughts are constantly running and running and running and I can't stop it. The endless chatter, the idea that I could fail at any moment, the idea that I could disappoint them in any way. It sticks to me and I can't stop it. I want to CTB to feel free. I was to get rid of my responsibilities and end the running thoughts in my mind. I've tried four times, each one being a failure. I was close to reaching an end twice but I was found too quickly. I miss sh'ing. It was the one thing that would at least ease my mind. The feeling would leave me numb and it made it feel like my brain would stop rambling for a little while. But i can't, my parents monitor me all the time, my bf sees me and threatens to breakup w me if I go back to that. I can't do that to them. As much as I don't want to put them in pain if it CTB, i know that me being alive and depressed would have them feeling even worse.
I don't know i'm a rambling mess right now. I just hate being so miserable every single day. I want it to end. I want to end.
I don't know i'm a rambling mess right now. I just hate being so miserable every single day. I want it to end. I want to end.
