i feel guilty

[ketkrg]

the other night i threatened to kill myself because i thought my brother didnt love me anymore. the next day i texted him and he told me he had a dream i cut him off completely - or rather went non contact - and he tried to text me "you're still my everything" but i had already blocked him. I felt so bad, he said our dad gave him his meds and he just slept all day because he thought i had completely given up on him. i felt really bad, like, what if i had killed myself the night before and in some form his dream had become true? what would he even do if i died, i really wonder. i know that if i ever do ctb, i cant let it hurt my brother. hes the only person i have left and i dont want him to worry anymore than he has to. i just feel so guilty that i almost took my life that night and i didnt even realize how much it couldve destroyed my brother. id rather suffer than be a dead brother. :(

 

[lostinwoe]

my brother is also one of the main reasons I have to stay alive unfortunately for me suffering all day and every day isn't worth it

I think about suicide pretty much every 10 minutes atp its haunting me I'm so glad my SN is finally coming so I can escape this reality

 

[LastFlowers]

I don't know your struggles but I'm always surprised by the close, loving and open relationships some people have with their siblings. It is astonishing to me.
It is also something I've always been envious of as it is one of very few things I genuinely desired out of life.
I hope you can treasure that connection, though I am sorry for any suffering you endure otherwise.

 

[theboy]

CTB involves leaving our family members with a huge pain... those reasons are very difficult to decide since you are practically living for others.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I relate very strongly to the last sentence you wrote. I can also say that at times, the pain of knowing that choice means I will remain here for some time does give the suffering some meaning that I otherwise don't feel. Keeping them from that pain seems like it's worth something.

 

[set0553]

I don't know your struggles but I'm always surprised by the close, loving and open relationships some people have with their siblings. It is astonishing to me.
It is also something I've always been envious of as it is one of very few things I genuinely desired out of life.
I hope you can treasure that connection, though I am sorry for any suffering you endure otherwise.

My older sisters had all moved away before I was old enough to have any true connection to them, and for all intents and purposes I may as well been an only child. At 54 I still have no connection to them oher than my mother living with one of my sisters, so I kinda keep in touch, but never really understood sibling relationships or any real connection with my parents either. Its like I've always been alone. Just don't seem to be able to have any sort of relationships to other human beings, honestly, but only with my dogs..

 

[ketkrg]

my brother is also one of the main reasons I have to stay alive unfortunately for me suffering all day and every day isn't worth it

I think about suicide pretty much every 10 minutes atp its haunting me I'm so glad my SN is finally coming so I can escape this reality

i hope you're successful and can finally be at peace :)