And it's the best feeling ever. Before, I'd feel the worst of feelings all the time. Now that's all gone. I don't have any logical explanation for this, however, I'm religious, so I thank God for that. It surely couldn't have come from a worthless nobody himself. I used to think about offing myself all the time, but now I'm treating it as a future mystery. Will I do it? Will I not do it? Only time will tell. I can say "I will never off myself, I have dealt with everything and I'm still here," but to me, speaking with such certainty? That amounts to arrogance. And I am everything but arrogant. My life circumstances might change drastically to the point I will be doing it anyway. So I will just wait and see. No more "I will do it" or "I will not do it." Instead, it's "I shall see."
CW36
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- Jul 23, 2023
- 839
If you're feeling empty and tired then that's a strong place to be. I totally relate and have never felt so confident and cool with CTB. Back in the day I thought you needed strong emotion to take that step, but it's actually the total opposite for me.
Good to know I'm not the only one. I thought perhaps there was something wrong with me, this gives some reassurance. On another forum that I personally moderate, I had a teenage male CTBing by train. That's definitely not the way to go and pretty disturbing if you ask me, especially since the news report implied he was alive for a few minutes. He was a nice kid. I feel bad for him. He never mentioned being suicidal until the last day, right before going through with it. As weird as it sounds.. he had some real guts. I could never do it that way. Had he opened up, I'd tell him a less messy alternative instead.
CW36
➕〰️➰
- Jul 23, 2023
- 839
Yeah, trains , jumping, shooting, it's all too messy for me. Most people seem to CTB on the underground here, but your odds off survival decrease significantly compared to overground. It's the allure of the atmosp, the ghosts, the infrasound.
