Venting i feel bad about the people i'll be inconveniencing by CTB

[silverswan]

my family members are planning a get-together, someone who's always been kind to me is getting married, i promised i'd volunteer at an event coming up and the person running the event said they were so grateful to have me, i have a friend who's having a baby, i told someone i'd see her at a convention, i have another friend who's leaving on a honeymoon soon and wants to see me the day she gets back. they've all tried so hard to keep me here. they call and text and check in. however, they can't fix the world so it's worth living in or give me the ability to do what i love in a meaningful way. if i wait until after the people in my life's big important events, they might feel guilty that they were 'too focused on their own happiness' or something.

i don't think there's much of a point in living only for others, but also i feel absolutely terrible about the idea that my death would make someone cancel their vacation. no matter how much i say "don't blame yourselves" in my suicide note, i know they're going to blame themselves for not keeping me here, even though I never wanted to stay. i have literally been commenting on especially depressing news articles like "this is going to be my thirteenth reason why" but i feel like they will still blame themselves. i wish i lived in a country that had unlimited access to euthenasia (i think i've spelled that wrong) so I could be honest with them and say goodbye to them, and then maybe they'd understand that it wasn't their fault.

i feel like there's no right answer. i don't want to hurt anyone emotionally, even though i feel like i should also have the right to end my pain. i just wish there was something i could do or say to keep them from blaming themselves.

 

[CentreMid]

Unfortunatley, they may still blame themselves no matter what you tell them. I have this same fear about my partner. She deserves to have a happy life, but she won't be able to do that if she's blaming herself for not being able to stop my suicide. So instead of worrying about her blaming herself, I've accepted the fact that she will grieve no matter what. HOWEVER, I'm also in the process of writing her a note in an effort to make that grieving process easier. Like you, I'm not sure how I'm going to do that just yet, but knowing this has helped me feel significantly less guilty.

Take care, and I hope you find peace :)

 

[silverswan]

What are the best things to put in a note? I've written "this is because of AI, not because of anything that anyone in my life did or didn't do" and "you did everything you could to keep me here," etc. I feel so terrible that I'm even thinking of doing something that would hurt others, even though there's no way for someone with my skill set (talking to people, making, creating) to have a happy and meaningful life anymore.

 

[Sulyya]

We do have the right, I think most people here agree.

Nevertheless I stay as a result of the feeling you're talking about, that I don't want to upend anyone's life. Even though I'm thinking about it every day, I seem to have what is practically a complex or something of not wanting to inconvenience anyone, let alone make them feel guilty for a death. While I want to die so much and something like that is the most important decision that someone can make for their own life.... if it made someone so much as stub their toe I don't think I could go through with it. Sure fluctuates though..

 

[silverswan]

I just wish people could go on and enjoy their lives in the way I wasn't able to, even if I wasn't there anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but I guess the reality is that grief and loss are just a part of life, we all have to die and lose everything someday no matter what, and nobody is obligated to continue existing. I think that in a note at least to me it's best to write things like "there is nothing that you could have done, this is what I wanted" and things like that, but I believe that it's a personal decision deciding what to write in a note. But anyway, it could never matter to me whatever happens in this world after I'm gone as I wouldn't be there at that point.

 

[tuyu]

Guess that's an issue that people with social relations have. With joy comes suffering.

Me: ghost for weddings, basically receive no invitations anymore. Extended family members have babies, get togethers etc but ghost them all. I plan to move overseas and cut off all contact.

Problem solved. No one will care if I ctb.