Venting I fear that i might destroy my relationship

[NexIdk]

First of all sorry for bad english and all that stuff. I talk in eng for a long time now but idk you got the point.

Most of the time here I was a simple reader. Seeing all those threads made me think many times that I could and SHOULD finally make up my mind and end it all to finally be at peace just like others. But every single time I heard that voice in the back of my head that maybe, just maybe things will be good again.

And the voices were right.

Literally a month before new years I met the most kind, caring, sweet, beautiful and patiend woman in my life. I have waited for her for YEARS and she finally found me on a stupid game. 3 days into 2024 - we are together. It has been over 7 months now. I thought that I won't be in that shit situation in my head again but well I was mistaken. For 3 months I have yet again started thinking about ending my silly existence. Which is really funny because I just managed to move out from my not-so-nice family, I live with my gf in different city, finished school, passed all the exams and got accepted to a good university. Everything seems like I should be happy because I'm kindof free. But my head is still destroyed from all those school years of bullying, bad previous relationship and breakup, family issues and straight up undaignosed mental healt issues of mine.

My biggest issue is not managing stress situations and missreading most of the signs given to me. Which leads me to the headline here. Every single time when I do something wrong i start apologising like crazy. Even if its a small thing I simply start to panic. I could simply not do one thing and it leads to several hours of shitting on myself in my head, calling myself names, isolating and even thinking of coming back to my family so I wont bother my gf anymore. Even now just because of one small inconvinience I am giving her silent treatment and I isolate myself in our bedroom just to not cause any more harm. And I do know that I am doing just the opposite. She knows how I am and it surprises me that she still manages to be with any kind of relationship with me.

I don't want to lose her but i fear that one day I will. Simply because of how i act. It got to the point that every time I do something bad and she is mad at me or sad because of it I am really close to literally ending myself in any possible way because I dont know how to handle simple as it could be- stress.
Should I leave her before I hurt her even more?
End that relationship so she can find someone worthy of her?
I have no possible way of getting professional help because of how expensive it is. We already both work 10h a day to afford everything and it pains me even more that she has to work just so I can live under HER roof.
How can I get any kind of help when even free specialists are just tragic in my country and dont care about the patients?,.

I know it was chaotic and more or less not very interesting cause well I dont want to traumadump that much but hey if you decided to read it all it means much to me. I feel listened.
Have a good day yall. I hope I can find my place here for some time.

 

[retention]

Can I know what do you mean by misreading the signs? Is your girlfriend dropping hints, instead of directly communicating her needs?

 

[Gabbi_Station]

First of all sorry for bad english and all that stuff. I talk in eng for a long time now but idk you got the point.

Most of the time here I was a simple reader. Seeing all those threads made me think many times that I could and SHOULD finally make up my mind and end it all to finally be at peace just like others. But every single time I heard that voice in the back of my head that maybe, just maybe things will be good again.

And the voices were right.

Literally a month before new years I met the most kind, caring, sweet, beautiful and patiend woman in my life. I have waited for her for YEARS and she finally found me on a stupid game. 3 days into 2024 - we are together. It has been over 7 months now. I thought that I won't be in that shit situation in my head again but well I was mistaken. For 3 months I have yet again started thinking about ending my silly existence. Which is really funny because I just managed to move out from my not-so-nice family, I live with my gf in different city, finished school, passed all the exams and got accepted to a good university. Everything seems like I should be happy because I'm kindof free. But my head is still destroyed from all those school years of bullying, bad previous relationship and breakup, family issues and straight up undaignosed mental healt issues of mine.

My biggest issue is not managing stress situations and missreading most of the signs given to me. Which leads me to the headline here. Every single time when I do something wrong i start apologising like crazy. Even if its a small thing I simply start to panic. I could simply not do one thing and it leads to several hours of shitting on myself in my head, calling myself names, isolating and even thinking of coming back to my family so I wont bother my gf anymore. Even now just because of one small inconvinience I am giving her silent treatment and I isolate myself in our bedroom just to not cause any more harm. And I do know that I am doing just the opposite. She knows how I am and it surprises me that she still manages to be with any kind of relationship with me.

I don't want to lose her but i fear that one day I will. Simply because of how i act. It got to the point that every time I do something bad and she is mad at me or sad because of it I am really close to literally ending myself in any possible way because I dont know how to handle simple as it could be- stress.
Should I leave her before I hurt her even more?
End that relationship so she can find someone worthy of her?
I have no possible way of getting professional help because of how expensive it is. We already both work 10h a day to afford everything and it pains me even more that she has to work just so I can live under HER roof.
How can I get any kind of help when even free specialists are just tragic in my country and dont care about the patients?,.

I know it was chaotic and more or less not very interesting cause well I dont want to traumadump that much but hey if you decided to read it all it means much to me. I feel listened.
Have a good day yall. I hope I can find my place here for some time.

I would just talk to her about this; tell her what you're feeling. Or copy and paste and send a lot of this to her.

It may be she's feeling the same way or has a lot of the same anxieties- you can never know what's going on in someone's head.

 

[NexIdk]

Can I know what do you mean by misreading the signs? Is your girlfriend dropping hints, instead of directly communicating her needs?

It's mostly just stuff like:
I did something in the house like wash the dishes or clean up the space, sho comes back from work a bit tired and then suddenly she's telling me that i did it wrong or forgot to do something. Her tone of voice is well obviously a bit annoyed and cold and she told me many times that she really is just like this when tired but my head cannot really understand that.
Its really mostly situations like that when i think shes mad at me of any reason which leads me to overthink spiral (issues brought from toxic home and past relationship unfortunately to say).

I would just talk to her about this; tell her what you're feeling. Or copy and paste and send a lot of this to her.

It may be she's feeling the same way or has a lot of the same anxieties- you can never know what's going on in someone's head.

I did talk to her about it and she knows how I react many times. This doesn't really helped the situation besides that I hear from her every time smth in lines of "calm down I am not mad at you dummy"

She did also tell me how she sees that situation but it didn't really help my case for whatever reason.

 

[retention]

It's mostly just stuff like:
I did something in the house like wash the dishes or clean up the space, sho comes back from work a bit tired and then suddenly she's telling me that i did it wrong or forgot to do something. Her tone of voice is well obviously a bit annoyed and cold and she told me many times that she really is just like this when tired but my head cannot really understand that.
Its really mostly situations like that when i think shes mad at me of any reason which leads me to overthink spiral (issues brought from toxic home and past relationship unfortunately to say).

I did talk to her about it and she knows how I react many times. This doesn't really helped the situation besides that I hear from her every time smth in lines of "calm down I am not mad at you dummy"

She did also tell me how she sees that situation but it didn't really help my case for whatever reason.

Maybe you can try asking her why she is tired from work and lend a listening ear. She may be bottling up some frustrations from work.