i fear losing one of the only things keeping me alive soon

[owarikigan]

probably one of my more vulnerable yet relevant ongoings, sorry if it's tmi. im deeply in love with a character, mentally unwell and deluded beyond what anyone can comprehend, it felt like he truly was mine and what we had was real and intimate due to the fact that nobody likes or cares or talks about him besides me. recently i've been seeing people simply talk about him more and just that alone is enough to trigger me and make me want to die brutally, especially when most of these people hate me for how much i love him. so much of my self harm habits and stress stems purely from this. but i cant easily just drop my love for this character because in my mind, his presence is there for me, comforts me when i need it most, he's been with me for years at my highest and lowest, protected me from abuse and i have so many nice memories with him. i feel like i can always rely on him and i'm scared of that being taken away. i can't explain why i feel like it's taking him away from me, i'm highly aware of how insane it sounds but these are just my feelings.
i don't have therapy or medication and im mixed on whether itd even help; on one hand i have a delusion that saves me yet destroys me in certain circumstances, or i somehow block out the joy i get from this character, sell my merch and feel even more perpetually empty and horrible
it feels like such a unique, dumb experience that i'd only receive ridicule for. but i think while he feels so real and truly has been an angel to me, the obsession is really killing me in a lot of ways and it's becoming hard to deny how afraid i am of it coming so far and having to hide it so that i don't come off as such a weirdo freak. i feel incredibly alone with basically no one to understand or help or just listen

 

[juneisdoomed]

you absolutely need a place to tell people about this without being judged. i've seen the taboo surrounding obsessions with fictional characters for years now, and i find it ridiculous that people are more concerned with shunning people with this issue rather than helping them.

if it makes you feel any better, this is way more common than you think. we just hardly hear about it because, like you said, people see you as a weirdo freak. but a lot of people become attached to characters purely because they have no one else. make no mistake, this is a very serious issue that needs to be addressed, no matter how common it may be.

i can give a personal anecdote that is somewhat similar. while not fictional characters, i had a phase in my life where my mind was entirely consumed by daydreams of me and some band members that i was 100% obsessed with. at the time, i was socially isolated and had two friends. i hardly even interacted with my family. imagining that i was living some fictional life from years ago with these people was the only thing that brought me comfort. i never reached out for help and it only got worse. these people were literally all i thought about. they were my peace and my resolve. and the whole time, it was a bunch of famous people who will never know that i exist.

i will tell you a possible solution to your problem. it's what helped me, it may not help you. talk to people. people in real life, people who you can stay in contact with. if you're already socially isolated, then that seems like an impossible feat. but i PROMISE it's achievable. i had social anxiety that crushed me for years, but as i slowly started interacting with more people, i became more grounded. i had to literally force myself to socialize, and you will have to do the same. it is absolutely terrifying at first, but you can jump the hurdle. talking to real people may ground you as well. it's a reminder of what's real versus what's fictional. you've already acknowledged your delusion, which means that it is possible to break out of it. i promise. you can gain out of real people what you've gained from your character. making new friends is difficult, but once you find your circle, things get a little easier.

you mentioned not having therapy nor medication. i highly recommend reaching out to a local psychiatrist or having someone else reach out for you. they can get you started on meds if they feel you need them. as for therapy, that's up to you. if you're looking for a judgment-free space, then therapy could definitely help.

best of luck, stay strong