I failed in my attempt to CTB with inert gas. It took so much time and mental effort for me to actually turn the gas on and place my hands in the ropes ties and sitting back and listening to my last song only for a minute or two to pass still awake and conscious heart beating fast filling my ear with my heart beat and a growing headache. Suddenly fearing it would fail and my scheduled message would go out while still alive I ripped off the hood. But after failing in life also now failing to CTB I feel even emptier and dejected than before. I don't know what to do or even feel. I had prepped and planned everything for weeks to end up at the moment expecting to have CTB only to now have to live for more time while I fix my setup or try something else. There was so much finality to my final steps that I don't know what to do anymore I don't feel like I want to or even have mental will power to CTB anymore
Hello, what I'm about to write is going to be weird, but considering that soon you might not be with us anymore, I wanted to tell you something. I wanted to thank you. On Saturday, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I decided to look for a painless way to CBT, because maybe then I could bring myself to do it. I heard about this forum in a YouTube video and thought that this place might be a good place to start. Your post from Friday, where you said that you would CBT during the weekend, was one of the first that I saw. It felt awful to read. I'm not sure why, but something broke in me after I read it. I thought about my life and decided that I didn't want to kill myself. I know that saying this is weird, but I wanted to let you know that you have helped me, even though I have never seen you in my life.
I know that it's not ok for me to do this, and I don't know anything about your life and I don't deserve to ask you of this, but can you please call a suicide hotline? I know that I will get a lot of hate for saying this, and I shouldn't have asked you that, but I don't want the person who changed my life to die in a couple of days. That's not what you deserve. If you want, I can tell you my number if you want someone to talk to. I owe you at least that.
Sorry for not saying it in a private message, but my account is too new to PM people (or I dont know how to do it).