Venting i failed my attempt

[phantomt]

thats right, i failed to ctb. i am so fucking stupid. feel free to make fun of me.
i have lost the motivation to do anything, let alone even do an attempt
now im just wishing for somebody to come into my life and end it. i am such a fucking failure
what hurts more is that nobody knows except some random people online and im forced to continue being "productive" because thats really all everyone cares about me, if im useful or not.
i cant even be useful to my self let alone anybody. i wish i could hire somebody to kill me. anyway, said random people are talking to me how my life matters and how glad they are that im not gone. i understand how they feel but they dont understand why i feel this way. it feels like a fucking slap in the face when people says that.
"oh im so glad you're here!" what about me? did you ever realize the consequences that im still alive right now??? i understand them but what they say fucking pisses me off, if they were in my shoes they wouldn't be happy at all.
people online would send me inspirational quotes or whatever not knowing no matter how hard i try no inspirational quote would ever apply to me because im so exhausted with life i can barely live anymore and im a genuine burden to those around me.
i feel like they're just saying that because they don't wanna see somebody they know die. none of them has ever fully talked to me and gotten to know me personally, they dont even know why i attempted to ctb in the first place. it feels so fucking fake.
they'd say shit like "im really glad it failed and you're still here" like i matter and proceed to show through their actions that i dont. they dont even know me. i hate this all.

i wouldn't be attempting to ctb for a while, my chance really was that day and now i dont have a chance anymore. great. i may be the stupidest man alive ever.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sorry to hear. Would you mind sharing what you tried? Do you have any idea why it didn't work?

 

[phantomt]

i tried to ctb with ligature strangulation like a few days ago, i think i didnt tie it high enough (ppl kept saying tie it till it matches your hairline, which i dont think i did. i could only get it as high as possible but not that high) or maybe the fact that i was definitely not in a clear mind to do so, i was emotional and all that. i think i definitely made it as tight as possible but maybe that wasn't enough either? cant remember much its been a while.
i still woke up afterwards. im now looking forward to SN instead of doing this though idk how plausible it is for me to get SN in my place.

edit: i definitely dont wanna try it again since ive read that passing out and losing oxygen has its risks and i dont wanna deal with that, id much rather go for something else instead.