Venting I failed my attempt

[ilistentoradiohead]

If you know me from a post yesterday writing about how I will kill myself by overdosing on sleeping pills then...hi.
This is so fucking embarrassing to write and admit, considering how I went so far with writing down emotional stuffs for my friends and some of my family members, but here I am I guess.

I couldn't do it. I wanted to do it. I had the pills in my hand, I was laying down, ready to swallow it as a whole. But I couldn't. There was this fear lingering in the back of my mind that I wouldn't be able to die, instead I would be paralyzed and suffer from a permanent brain damange I don't want that. I wanted two things: to immediately die, or if not, I want to continue living with my life without any damages because I have big things I want to achieve. So I couldn't. Instead I fell asleep while holding the bottle of pills in my hand.

So in conclusion, I failed. My attempt failed, I guess? I survived another planned suicide and I have to postpone until I feel like I am ready to die.

Afterwards, I was reading all the replies I received from my previous thread. Some were wishing me luck and advanced condolences, I really appreciated that. And there were people who adviced me that overdosing is not the right way, I really appreciate that too. Thank you really. I will be more careful and cautious in the future if i ever plan to kill myself again. Perhaps I will purposely let myself get hit by a car or something, who knows. But for now, I think I want to stay alive for some more time. At least, for now. Yeah.

p.s if anyone knows any way i could die immediately without having to feel pain, please let me know.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Anecdotal accounts I've read suggest this isn't a very good method anyway. You need to consume way too many to achieve death, and before you can get enough in you, you're body will expel what you happen to get down. The pills of today are not the same as the pills of yesterday. They've been re-engineered to be safer because many people were using them to CTB, just as you were.