Story I drilled a hole in my spine to make myself disabled

[Flippy]

How did you manage to reach around behind you with the drill?

Most drills have a catch that can lock the trigger. Not sure if this is the intended use to be honest as it usually needs to be engaged to press in the trigger. But I have often gotten the trigger locked on this way by accident which can make operation of the drill a bit easier as a side effect.

@oliviahurts Please stop doing this to yourself. I can think of no way that your actions could be considered sober and rational. I think you would have been more aware of the risks if were.

The truth is, under certain circumstances, if doctors think it's in your best interests, usually if they feel that you aren't well enough to be considered mentally sound, they will break confidentiality.

Normally I wouldn't recommend this, but I would rather you sought help under false pretences rather than not at all. Maybe if you want to keep this as secret as possible, you could go to A and E say you fell backwards onto a spike a few days ago when doing some cleaning or something. They might be sceptical, but I think that it may just allay their suspicions. Of course they may not be convinced, but it's better to get medical attention. Just say you were standing on a chair or something. You could say that you didn't know how bad it was because of its location.

 

[oliviahurts]

I've been careless with cleaning/hiding things and my mum's catching on. If I was going to step up to 4mm/70mm and tonight is the last window to do this using the existing hole. But for numerous reasons I'm calling abort on this whole thing. The cover story was half-baked and is already falling apart. My mum wants to take me to the doctor and I have no basis to refuse. As flippy said confidentiality wont help me from it getting to my mum. If/when I drill in further my spine, the pain/disability would be even more noticable. I honestly don't know how this plan was originally aupposed to work. I'm recovering anyway and I really don't want to go back to hospital. But now I just feel really down. I don't know, it's fun when you live fearlessly you can ignore everything else for a short time.

Sorry for scaring flippy and some others, I feel empathy for them and they're feeling empathy for me leading me to feel more empathy for myself. I'll sleep on it and see if I can come up with a cover story and plan tomorrow.

 

[Flippy]

I've been careless with cleaning/hiding things and my mum's catching on. If I was going to step up to 4mm/70mm and tonight is the last window to do this using the existing hole. But for numerous reasons I'm calling abort on this whole thing. The cover story was half-baked and is already falling apart. My mum wants to take me to the doctor and I have no basis to refuse. As flippy said confidentiality wont help me from it getting to my mum. If/when I drill in further my spine, the pain/disability would be even more noticable. I honestly don't know how this plan was originally aupposed to work. I'm recovering anyway and I really don't want to go back to hospital. But now I just feel really down. I don't know, it's fun when you live fearlessly you can ignore everything else for a short time.

Sorry for scaring flippy and some others, I feel empathy for them and they're feeling empathy for me leading me to feel more empathy for myself. I'll sleep on it and see if I can come up with a cover story and plan tomorrow.

I am relieved to see that you have decided to "abort" from this course of action. But I still wish that you would just make small (but significant, I know) step to getting yourself checked out.

What I'm mostly concerned about, besides the obvious trauma to your back, is the possibility that you've exposed the most vulnerable part of your nervous system to bacteria etc. While you may feel ok, the problem is that there will be little to no immune response if germs have gotten in. The danger for people who are immunocompromised for example is, that they feel fine as their body isn't fighting off an infection because it can't. The infection does it's damage and nothing is noticed until things start to beak down.

So, perhaps you can come up with a likely sounding reason for the injury. You go there to A&E and stick to it steadfastly. Perhaps you "tried to climb over a fence somewhere out in the countryside and fell back, thinking you had just caused a painful glancing blow to the small of your back." You noticed a spiky piece of metal sticking up and noticed blood but (you) thought there was no chance it had punctured (your) spine". Maybe you thought it was a nasty scratch, but, nothing to worry about?

I think I posted here earlier about the time I got stabbed by a steel rod. I could feel that thing about an inch into my chest and felt no pain. All I had to show for it was a small red mark and a nasty looking bruise.

So something similar, not so out of line with the realm of possibility.

Listen, I'm glad you are of a mind to stop, and I sincerely hope you will. I know one or two people have given you a hard time for your account of things and your reasons. But you are amongst friends here, I'm sure of that, we are, by and large, a sympathetic, friendly bunch. So why not hang around and get to know people here a bit more. I can promise (on my part) that I will always lend you a sympathetic/empathetic ear, certainly to the very best of my abilities.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk. We are at least in the same time zone so (my horrendous sleep pattern permitting) I should be able to get back to you asap.

We here, are in the main, a bunch of damaged people, I don't see you as being different just because the way your 'damage' presents itself is unusual or to some objectionable.

I feel you do deserve sympathy, and the bonus here is, you don't have to drill any holes in yourself to be shown it.

So please consider getting checked out soon. I hope that all will be well and everything heals up good as new :-)

 

[ClairyFairy]

I really hope you do build yourself up to be seen. Say you fell, there's a couple of things people have mentioned but it's so important for you that you go and get checked out. I'm happy that you're seeing things a bit clearer and not properly understanding why you did it is a start to that. Please stay safe Olivia x

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I'm gonna be completely honest here…maybe you should ditch the idea of covering and just tell them what you did. Worst case scenario they keep you for a few weeks…I don't know what you could make up to pretend you didn't do any of that on purpose. But the few weeks they keep you'd also get good medical care (I suppose COMPLETELY dependent on where it is…) but…well it's up to you. Do what you believe is best Olivia.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I'm gonna be completely honest here…maybe you should ditch the idea of covering and just tell them what you did. Worst case scenario they keep you for a few weeks…I don't know what you could make up to pretend you didn't do any of that on purpose. But the few weeks they keep you'd also get good medical care (I suppose COMPLETELY dependent on where it is…) but…well it's up to you. Do what you believe is best Olivia.

It wouldn't be weeks

 

[Flippy]

It wouldn't be weeks

That's very possible. I tend towards thinking honesty is the best policy. However it's clear @oliviahurts is very worried about being sectioned, so this was the only compromise I could think of to suggest.

The reality is that most doctors or nurses don't really give a crap. I've been to hospital as a result of genuine accidents or maladies and been treated like I was "up to something". All they want is something that ties up in a neat bow. So, my view is, if it sounds plausible and you keep it simple and don't deviate, they will probably just accept the explanation as valid.

Though it's not without risk, I wouldn't expect any worse than a note on her records saying they felt that perhaps they feel the story didn't add up.

There's always a risk she might actually be fortunate enough to get a genuine caring doctor who might suspect something is up and order a psych evaluation. But these people are so keen to get you out of their hair, you could tell them that the Easter bunny had been nibbling at your back and they would find you mentally competent.

So better to tell a white lie to get properly checked out if your goal is to avoid being committed to a psych ward.

 

[Meditation guide]

@oliviahurts how did you manage to hold a drill behind your back and drill into your spine?

Yes I know you can lock a drill into the on position. But to hold a drill at a 90 degree angle to your spine, hit the spine with it after drilling into the skin, and apply the kind of pressure needed when bone is hit, seems impossible to me.

There are some very nice and concerned people here as you can see. I too am worried about you and hope you can find some other solutions to your problems.

 

[LakatosDiogenesz]

My back is itching after reading this post.

 

[oliviahurts]

I am relieved to see that you have decided to "abort" from this course of action. But I still wish that you would just make small (but significant, I know) step to getting yourself checked out.

What I'm mostly concerned about, besides the obvious trauma to your back, is the possibility that you've exposed the most vulnerable part of your nervous system to bacteria etc. While you may feel ok, the problem is that there will be little to no immune response if germs have gotten in. The danger for people who are immunocompromised for example is, that they feel fine as their body isn't fighting off an infection because it can't. The infection does it's damage and nothing is noticed until things start to beak down.

So, perhaps you can come up with a likely sounding reason for the injury. You go there to A&E and stick to it steadfastly. Perhaps you "tried to climb over a fence somewhere out in the countryside and fell back, thinking you had just caused a painful glancing blow to the small of your back." You noticed a spiky piece of metal sticking up and noticed blood but (you) thought there was no chance it had punctured (your) spine". Maybe you thought it was a nasty scratch, but, nothing to worry about?

I think I posted here earlier about the time I got stabbed by a steel rod. I could feel that thing about an inch into my chest and felt no pain. All I had to show for it was a small red mark and a nasty looking bruise.

So something similar, not so out of line with the realm of possibility.

Listen, I'm glad you are of a mind to stop, and I sincerely hope you will. I know one or two people have given you a hard time for your account of things and your reasons. But you are amongst friends here, I'm sure of that, we are, by and large, a sympathetic, friendly bunch. So why not hang around and get to know people here a bit more. I can promise (on my part) that I will always lend you a sympathetic/empathetic ear, certainly to the very best of my abilities.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk. We are at least in the same time zone so (my horrendous sleep pattern permitting) I should be able to get back to you asap.

We here, are in the main, a bunch of damaged people, I don't see you as being different just because the way your 'damage' presents itself is unusual or to some objectionable.

I feel you do deserve sympathy, and the bonus here is, you don't have to drill any holes in yourself to be shown it.

So please consider getting checked out soon. I hope that all will be well and everything heals up good as new :-)

I really hope you do build yourself up to be seen. Say you fell, there's a couple of things people have mentioned but it's so important for you that you go and get checked out. I'm happy that you're seeing things a bit clearer and not properly understanding why you did it is a start to that. Please stay safe Olivia x

I appreciate both your concern and reading what you've read in your posts on this thread has contributed to me changing my mind about doing this. But I'm not immunocompromised and my body is showing no signs of fighting off an infection. The pain is also getting better so I think it's healing on its own. I'd like to tell you that I'll be careful but I don't really have a good track record for being careful. If it gets worse again, I'll reconsider my options.

The pain is reducing, the fracture's stable and localised, no signs of infection, no immune disorders. Best case is they'd prescribe some cream (worst case is being sectioned) but if it is going to do damage anyway, that's still what I want. I just can't see any signs of it being long term.

That's very possible. I tend towards thinking honesty is the best policy. However it's clear @oliviahurts is very worried about being sectioned, so this was the only compromise I could think of to suggest.

The reality is that most doctors or nurses don't really give a crap. I've been to hospital as a result of genuine accidents or maladies and been treated like I was "up to something". All they want is something that ties up in a neat bow. So, my view is, if it sounds plausible and you keep it simple and don't deviate, they will probably just accept the explanation as valid.

Though it's not without risk, I wouldn't expect any worse than a note on her records saying they felt that perhaps they feel the story didn't add up.

There's always a risk she might actually be fortunate enough to get a genuine caring doctor who might suspect something is up and order a psych evaluation. But these people are so keen to get you out of their hair, you could tell them that the Easter bunny had been nibbling at your back and they would find you mentally competent.

So better to tell a white lie to get properly checked out if your goal is to avoid being committed to a psych ward.

I read lying by sam harris when I was in hospital and resolved to always tell the truth, but quickly realised that wasn't me. It's an ideal I strive toward, but I get so fucking angry at myself when I tell things that should be secret to people who know me. I need to create a policy on what should and should not be shared with others. Anyway I'm not going to the doctor unless things get significantly worse.

@oliviahurts how did you manage to hold a drill behind your back and drill into your spine?

Yes I know you can lock a drill into the on position. But to hold a drill at a 90 degree angle to your spine, hit the spine with it after drilling into the skin, and apply the kind of pressure needed when bone is hit, seems impossible to me.

There are 6 degrees of freedom for a rigid object:
X, Y, depth, pitch, yaw, and roll.

I've answered this on another post that's still waiting for mod approval. I started by poking a small hole where I wanted the drill to go, then gave it a quick burst of the drill, ignoring angle to make it bigger. Once I had an indent, this controlled X and Y. Roll was irrelevant since the drill spun on this axis so this left just depth, pitch and yaw. To drill the pilot hole, I used a 2mm drill bit that extended just 10mm past the end of the chuck vice. This controlled depth and also made the drill easier to hold as it could be closer to my body. I used the grip below, holding the drill freehand but also using my left hand to hold the drill bit and ensure it was aligned for yaw/roll. Then I just spun up the drill and pushed, trying to be as steady as I could. blah blah blah blah. next day put drill on a book on a chair and slid it into my back using the same grip pitch was 5 degrees of but that didn't matter, drill bit was set up to limit depth as before, I checked yaw before hand using photos from my phone and by checking for perpendicularity with my left hand. I had like 15 degrees of margin eather way before hitting a blood vessel so it didn't need that much precision. Anyway talking about this now is making me depressed. or maybe im already depressed.all the tranquility from the past two weeks has gone and even though im taking my medication properly now my head isn't still a fucking mess. i can't make any decisions about anything. im like maybe i should take more meds to make myself less crazy but my brain's vetoing everything.

Edit: forgot images

Spoiler: images

 

[Makko]

There are 6 degrees of freedom for a rigid object:
X, Y, depth, pitch, yaw, and roll.

I've answered this on another post that's still waiting for mod approval. I started by poking a small hole where I wanted the drill to go, then gave it a quick burst of the drill, ignoring angle to make it bigger. Once I had an indent, this controlled X and Y. Roll was irrelevant since the drill spun on this axis so this left just depth, pitch and yaw. To drill the pilot hole, I used a 2mm drill bit that extended just 10mm past the end of the chuck vice. This controlled depth and also made the drill easier to hold as it could be closer to my body. I used the grip below, holding the drill freehand but also using my left hand to hold the drill bit and ensure it was aligned for yaw/roll. Then I just spun up the drill and pushed, trying to be as steady as I could. blah blah blah blah. next day put drill on a book on a chair and slid it into my back using the same grip pitch was 5 degrees of but that didn't matter, drill bit was set up to limit depth as before, I checked yaw before hand using photos from my phone and by checking for perpendicularity with my left hand. I had like 15 degrees of margin eather way before hitting a blood vessel so it didn't need that much precision. Anyway talking about this now is making me depressed. or maybe im already depressed.all the tranquility from the past two weeks has gone and even though im taking my medication properly now my head isn't still a fucking mess. i can't make any decisions about anything. im like maybe i should take more meds to make myself less crazy but my brain's vetoing everything.

Approved mad scientist

 

[Flippy]

I appreciate both your concern and reading what you've read in your posts on this thread has contributed to me changing my mind about doing this. But I'm not immunocompromised and my body is showing no signs of fighting off an infection. The pain is also getting better so I think it's healing on its own. I'd like to tell you that I'll be careful but I don't really have a good track record for being careful. If it gets worse again, I'll reconsider my options.

The pain is reducing, the fracture's stable and localised, no signs of infection, no immune disorders. Best case is they'd prescribe some cream (worst case is being sectioned) but if it is going to do damage anyway, that's still what I want. I just can't see any signs of it being long term.


I read lying by sam harris when I was in hospital and resolved to always tell the truth, but quickly realised that wasn't me. It's an ideal I strive toward, but I get so fucking angry at myself when I tell things that should be secret to people who know me. I need to create a policy on what should and should not be shared with others. Anyway I'm not going to the doctor unless things get significantly worse.


There are 6 degrees of freedom for a rigid object:
X, Y, depth, pitch, yaw, and roll.

I've answered this on another post that's still waiting for mod approval. I started by poking a small hole where I wanted the drill to go, then gave it a quick burst of the drill, ignoring angle to make it bigger. Once I had an indent, this controlled X and Y. Roll was irrelevant since the drill spun on this axis so this left just depth, pitch and yaw. To drill the pilot hole, I used a 2mm drill bit that extended just 10mm past the end of the chuck vice. This controlled depth and also made the drill easier to hold as it could be closer to my body. I used the grip below, holding the drill freehand but also using my left hand to hold the drill bit and ensure it was aligned for yaw/roll. Then I just spun up the drill and pushed, trying to be as steady as I could. blah blah blah blah. next day put drill on a book on a chair and slid it into my back using the same grip pitch was 5 degrees of but that didn't matter, drill bit was set up to limit depth as before, I checked yaw before hand using photos from my phone and by checking for perpendicularity with my left hand. I had like 15 degrees of margin eather way before hitting a blood vessel so it didn't need that much precision. Anyway talking about this now is making me depressed. or maybe im already depressed.all the tranquility from the past two weeks has gone and even though im taking my medication properly now my head isn't still a fucking mess. i can't make any decisions about anything. im like maybe i should take more meds to make myself less crazy but my brain's vetoing everything.

Edit: forgot images

Spoiler: images

View attachment 74225View attachment 74226

I didn't say you were immunocompromised. I used that as an example of how if you don't have any immune response to something, you won't feel sick.

The point I was making is that there's nothing to fight off viruses and germs etc once they get into spinal fluid. They just have an express ride to your brain.

 

[oliviahurts]

Go for 4/60. LETS FUCKING DO THIS!!!!
edit: nevermind I can't even stomach sitting down with the drill behind me. I hate being sane.

 

[Flippy]

Go for 4/60. LETS FUCKING DO THIS!!!!
edit: nevermind I can't even stomach sitting down with the drill behind me. I hate being sane.

Please listen to that side of you that doesn't want to harm yourself. If you want to talk more about why you have the urge then do so. You might find it's less on your mind if you do.

 

[user_name_here]

OP I've only just seen those images.
I was certain you were a troll trying to somehow mock this community.
I'm glad you've seeked medical help and I really hope your situation doesn't become anymore severe than it already is.
Very sorry your life has led you to take this action upon yourself, but wishing you a steady recovery.

Edit: I don't think OP is currently receiving medical help

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Hey @oliviahurts how are you doing today?

 

[oliviahurts]

Hi flippy. I put the stuff away now because I know if I don't feel it now there's no point in pushing it.
I've had to think hard about this and I'd say my reasons for doing this are:'ve always felt like I should be in pain
- I owe it to part of myself - a very strong part of me (called katie) feels like I should be physically disabled. This part of me has given so much to me that this is the least I owe her.
- Pain - for some reason regular physical pain doesn't feel like pain to me but other sensations like the feeling of muscles move when i walk or the feeling of going to the loo of eating feel very unpleasant and much more so than regular physical pain. But pain can sometimes block or reduce the intensity of these other physical things.
- Reduce the influence of 'paul' - part of my brain is constantly ridiculing/mocking/insulting me. I found that when I'm more like katie then I hear less of paul.

Reason for not doing it:
- I don't want to go back to hospital
- it would hurt my mum
- for some reason I care that people on this forum appear to care about me

OP I've only just seen those images.
I was certain you were a troll trying to somehow mock this community.
I'm glad you've seeked medical help and I really hope your situation doesn't become anymore severe than it already is.
Very sorry your life has led you to take this action upon yourself, but wishing you a steady recovery.

Edit: I don't think OP is currently receiving medical help

Yh no medical help. I'm unlikely to seek it despite everyone's insistence because I do actually want to hurt myself.

Hey @oliviahurts how are you doing today?

Hi atari, im okay mostly. I threw some stuff around the room in anger. Then I had my meds. Then I ate half a box of weetabix. Then I picked up the stuff I threw and went to bed. Now I'm distracting myself with this forum.

 

[Flippy]

Hi flippy. I put the stuff away now because I know if I don't feel it now there's no point in pushing it.
I've had to think hard about this and I'd say my reasons for doing this are:'ve always felt like I should be in pain
- I owe it to part of myself - a very strong part of me (called katie) feels like I should be physically disabled. This part of me has given so much to me that this is the least I owe her.
- Pain - for some reason regular physical pain doesn't feel like pain to me but other sensations like the feeling of muscles move when i walk or the feeling of going to the loo of eating feel very unpleasant and much more so than regular physical pain. But pain can sometimes block or reduce the intensity of these other physical things.
- Reduce the influence of 'paul' - part of my brain is constantly ridiculing/mocking/insulting me. I found that when I'm more like katie then I hear less of paul.

Reason for not doing it:
- I don't want to go back to hospital
- it would hurt my mum
- for some reason I care that people on this forum appear to care about me

Yh no medical help. I'm unlikely to seek it despite everyone's insistence because I do actually want to hurt myself.


Hi atari, im okay mostly. I threw some stuff around the room in anger. Then I had my meds. Then I ate half a box of weetabix. Then I picked up the stuff I threw and went to bed. Now I'm distracting myself with this forum.

I'm really glad that you've decided to stop doing any further harm. I'm really sorry if my reply isn't the best, I haven't had any sleep in quite a while.

I'm sorry that you have to share your headspace with this "Paul". It sounds like he gives you the worst time. My mother could be a lot like this "Paul" from what you described.

I hope you can be "Katie" more often and you won't hear so much from "paul". Is there anything that helps you feel more like "Katie"?

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Hi flippy. I put the stuff away now because I know if I don't feel it now there's no point in pushing it.
I've had to think hard about this and I'd say my reasons for doing this are:'ve always felt like I should be in pain
- I owe it to part of myself - a very strong part of me (called katie) feels like I should be physically disabled. This part of me has given so much to me that this is the least I owe her.
- Pain - for some reason regular physical pain doesn't feel like pain to me but other sensations like the feeling of muscles move when i walk or the feeling of going to the loo of eating feel very unpleasant and much more so than regular physical pain. But pain can sometimes block or reduce the intensity of these other physical things.
- Reduce the influence of 'paul' - part of my brain is constantly ridiculing/mocking/insulting me. I found that when I'm more like katie then I hear less of paul.

Reason for not doing it:
- I don't want to go back to hospital
- it would hurt my mum
- for some reason I care that people on this forum appear to care about me

Yh no medical help. I'm unlikely to seek it despite everyone's insistence because I do actually want to hurt myself.


Hi atari, im okay mostly. I threw some stuff around the room in anger. Then I had my meds. Then I ate half a box of weetabix. Then I picked up the stuff I threw and went to bed. Now I'm distracting myself with this forum.

Hey, I'm glad youre mostly okay. It's alright…Ive thrown things a lot recently too :/ I had to look up weetabix lol we don't have it in the U.S. I don't think? o.o

These forums are a good distraction :) The chat is too.

It's interesting that your pain is basically switched with things that would normally relieve discomfort. Does sleeping help at all?

 

[everydayiloveyou]

OP, you said in your original post that you feel you should be disabled because it lowers people's expectations of you --> reduces social anxiety. Is that all there is to it? Are there any other reasons you want to be disabled, or feel compelled to disable yourself? It's ok if there's no better answer than "I just feel like I have to" because that helps a lot with deciphering your situation. Sometimes people want to stop working or get a check, and that's ok if that's your reason too.

Idk about the UK, but here in the USA you can get disability for mental illness. If you harm yourself like this and seem generally sane but unsuited to handling basic tasks of life, you can get disability. Have you considered applying for the UK's equivalent? If you can't hold a job and have been hospitalized before you'll have some things helping your case already.

I'm vision impaired and have social anxiety. The root of pretty much all social anxiety is the belief that you are somehow below others, lack social skills, or a fear that you will mess up a social interaction somehow. Have you considered that maybe the temporary disability you had before simply reduced your focus or belief in those fears, which in turn reduced the anxiety? And that it wasn't that other people somehow gained a ton of sympathy for you for being disabled? What is your evidence that this was the correlation?

Because I can tell you as a fact that only your loved ones will have any real sympathy for your disability. I have never had people cry for me because I can't see. People make jokes about my eyes and the accomodations I use. I'm only low vision so not "legally" disabled, just like how you might end up not being legally disabled for the spine hole thing. I have a feeling that maybe the "wanting to be disabled" thing is not the real root of it since you're refusing to seek medical care, you're expressing some regret for doing this, and it's just all a weird situation

talk to us, we are here to listen!

 

[oliviahurts]

I'm really glad that you've decided to stop doing any further harm. I'm really sorry if my reply isn't the best, I haven't had any sleep in quite a while.

I'm sorry that you have to share your headspace with this "Paul". It sounds like he gives you the worst time. My mother could be a lot like this "Paul" from what you described.

I hope you can be "Katie" more often and you won't hear so much from "paul". Is there anything that helps you feel more like "Katie"?

Thank you. I used to 'summon' Katie as a teenager with chants that I did in my head. She'd come in through my heart and travel up to my brain At which point, I was katie. I wasn't scared of exams or my father. In fact she found exams easy and my father a loser of no significance. Her presence in my body was a powerful weapon. I survived to adulthood because of her. I graduated uni because of her. I wasn't scared to transition because of her.

When I talk about her it makes me realise how much I'm not like her. I haven't summoned her in months. I don't act like her. I'm not washing most days. Im not changing my clothes. my place is a mess and I haven't cleaned it. I have broken stuff that I've just put into boxes. I will never be fully katie but I think im mostly okay with that now.

Hey, I'm glad youre mostly okay. It's alright…Ive thrown things a lot recently too :/ I had to look up weetabix lol we don't have it in the U.S. I don't think? o.o

These forums are a good distraction :) The chat is too.

It's interesting that your pain is basically switched with things that would normally relieve discomfort. Does sleeping help at all?

Thank you. Yh sleeping helps. I used to have insomnia for a long time but not so much anymore which I'm glad about.

OP, you said in your original post that you feel you should be disabled because it lowers people's expectations of you --> reduces social anxiety. Is that all there is to it? Are there any other reasons you want to be disabled, or feel compelled to disable yourself? It's ok if there's no better answer than "I just feel like I have to" because that helps a lot with deciphering your situation. Sometimes people want to stop working or get a check, and that's ok if that's your reason too.

Idk about the UK, but here in the USA you can get disability for mental illness. If you harm yourself like this and seem generally sane but unsuited to handling basic tasks of life, you can get disability. Have you considered applying for the UK's equivalent? If you can't hold a job and have been hospitalized before you'll have some things helping your case already.

I'm vision impaired and have social anxiety. The root of pretty much all social anxiety is the belief that you are somehow below others, lack social skills, or a fear that you will mess up a social interaction somehow. Have you considered that maybe the temporary disability you had before simply reduced your focus or belief in those fears, which in turn reduced the anxiety? And that it wasn't that other people somehow gained a ton of sympathy for you for being disabled? What is your evidence that this was the correlation?

Because I can tell you as a fact that only your loved ones will have any real sympathy for your disability. I have never had people cry for me because I can't see. People make jokes about my eyes and the accomodations I use. I'm only low vision so not "legally" disabled, just like how you might end up not being legally disabled for the spine hole thing. I have a feeling that maybe the "wanting to be disabled" thing is not the real root of it since you're refusing to seek medical care, you're expressing some regret for doing this, and it's just all a weird situation

talk to us, we are here to listen!

It' not just about people's expectations though that may have been the original motiviation many years ago. I keep coming up with reasons to do it and then I remind myself of them when I need motivation to actually do it. I don't want to work because I have depressive episodes and my boss was nice but he like most people didn't understand depression. When I was depressed, I kept forgetting things and losing track of what I was doing. I'd stay at my desk trying to solve problems because I was too scared to ask for help. A few months before I left, my boss assigned me a big part in a project with deadlines and objectives and reviews. The first part of this project was ill-defined design work. I couldn't do it despite working so hard on it I didn't know what I neeeded to do. And I had to collaborate with a narcissist who'd get really defensive when I tried to fix/improve his code even though it was below hackathon level. Anyway one day a friend took me to my gp when I was in tears I got a sicknote and I never went back. I never want to go back to that job certainly. I kinda feel okay for the first time in ages now that I'm not working and im not in hospital. i don't want to lose that.

I already have the 'limited capacity for work' benefit which means my benefits are just about enough to pay my rent and I have a little bit of savings to pay the remainder for at least the next year. Normally I'd worry about this stuff but I really haven't been worried about it which I guess is down to the meds. I think you're right about it being more an internal thing than an external thing. My mum is going to help me as much as I 'need it'. But I love having her in my life and I love being able to trust her. I don't want her to leave. as a child I always wanted a mother who could look after me. I have that now for the first time. I really really don't want to lose her.

Have you considered that maybe the temporary disability you had before simply reduced your focus or belief in those fears, which in turn reduced the anxiety? And that it wasn't that other people somehow gained a ton of sympathy for you for being disabled? What is your evidence that this was the correlation?

I think this was also a factor. I've tried to diagram my mind but I ran out of space on the paper and couldn't work out what to do even after drawing the diagram. So now I just do what other people do (and what I did before) and make decisions on a whim. I have tried to design a general personal decision making framework but this would require a lot of research and data collection which would take years and probably not work.

 

[Flippy]

Thank you. I used to 'summon' Katie as a teenager with chants that I did in my head. She'd come in through my heart and travel up to my brain At which point, I was katie. I wasn't scared of exams or my father. In fact she found exams easy and my father a loser of no significance. Her presence in my body was a powerful weapon. I survived to adulthood because of her. I graduated uni because of her. I wasn't scared to transition because of her.

When I talk about her it makes me realise how much I'm not like her. I haven't summoned her in months. I don't act like her. I'm not washing most days. Im not changing my clothes. my place is a mess and I haven't cleaned it. I have broken stuff that I've just put into boxes. I will never be fully katie but I think im mostly okay with that now.


Thank you. Yh sleeping helps. I used to have insomnia for a long time but not so much anymore which I'm glad about.


It' not just about people's expectations though that may have been the original motiviation many years ago. I keep coming up with reasons to do it and then I remind myself of them when I need motivation to actually do it. I don't want to work because I have depressive episodes and my boss was nice but he like most people didn't understand depression. When I was depressed, I kept forgetting things and losing track of what I was doing. I'd stay at my desk trying to solve problems because I was too scared to ask for help. A few months before I left, my boss assigned me a big part in a project with deadlines and objectives and reviews. The first part of this project was ill-defined design work. I couldn't do it despite working so hard on it I didn't know what I neeeded to do. And I had to collaborate with a narcissist who'd get really defensive when I tried to fix/improve his code even though it was below hackathon level. Anyway one day a friend took me to my gp when I was in tears I got a sicknote and I never went back. I never want to go back to that job certainly. I kinda feel okay for the first time in ages now that I'm not working and im not in hospital. i don't want to lose that.

I already have the 'limited capacity for work' benefit which means my benefits are just about enough to pay my rent and I have a little bit of savings to pay the remainder for at least the next year. Normally I'd worry about this stuff but I really haven't been worried about it which I guess is down to the meds. I think you're right about it being more an internal thing than an external thing. My mum is going to help me as much as I 'need it'. But I love having her in my life and I love being able to trust her. I don't want her to leave. as a child I always wanted a mother who could look after me. I have that now for the first time. I really really don't want to lose her.


I think this was also a factor. I've tried to diagram my mind but I ran out of space on the paper and couldn't work out what to do even after drawing the diagram. So now I just do what other people do (and what I did before) and make decisions on a whim. I have tried to design a general personal decision making framework but this would require a lot of research and data collection which would take years and probably not work.

Hi @oliviahurts :-)

So "Katie" is a sort of "alternative" personality? Does she feel like part of you or separate?

Quite a long time ago now, I had a couple of voices in my head, I can't be sure now if they were internal or external as far as I perceived them. Though I do have a memory of one of them being about 3 feet away from me.

One was quite kind and nurturing, the other was horrible and used to taunt me with things my mother used to say to me. The problem was these "voices" used to play games and switch places. The good one was usually in my right ear and the other in my left.

One day, the remaining voice the more kind one, just announced it was leaving, and I don't think I've ever experienced this thing since.

Are Paul and Katie similar or is it a totally different experience?


Edit:
Forgot to add, I've certainly experienced issues with narcissistic types in the workplace too. I totally understand how upsetting this can be when every suggestion or word you say, is immediately met with invalidating remarks. In one place I worked, it got so bad, if the building had been burning down around our ears and I suggested that perhaps we should leave, there would have been some dumb, asinine "reason" why I was wrong.

I was working with people who hadn't received formal training, like I had and didn't have the decades of experience either. It was a case of the "blind" leading the "sighted". I would usually say something that seemed pretty uncontroversial only to have them screaming and shouting at me.

I've developed a pretty high tolerance for this sort of thing. But that place was just utter toxicity and it really wore me out.

Does "Katie" help you to be less bothered by this sort of thing?

 

[oliviahurts]

Hi @oliviahurts :-)

So "Katie" is a sort of "alternative" personality? Does she feel like part of you or separate?

Quite a long time ago now, I had a couple of voices in my head, I can't be sure now if they were internal or external as far as I perceived them. Though I do have a memory of one of them being about 3 feet away from me.

One was quite kind and nurturing, the other was horrible and used to taunt me with things my mother used to say to me. The problem was these "voices" used to play games and switch places. The good one was usually in my right ear and the other in my left.

One day, the remaining voice the more kind one, just announced it was leaving, and I don't think I've ever experienced this thing since.

Are Paul and Katie similar or is it a totally different experience?

I understand it as a model, as in a way of interpreting my thoughts and experiences I didn't understand. even the ones I couldn't express.

For most of my childhood, I smiled pretty much all the time. I smiled when I was in pain, I smiled when I was being punished, I smiled when I was scared. This led me to being punished more and being hurt more serverely. This then caused anger at the world. But that anger stayed behind my smile most of the time. it mostly came out in short outbursts eg screaming or punching a wall.

Continuing to my teenage years, I never really understood emotions, I never thought about them or spoke about them. But as more bad things happened to me, my emotions became more intense. It was only in university when I really investigated the contents of my brain and found these different parts were upset they got neglected. I found they each had needs and if I worked to meet their needs, they'd cause less problems. Some of them needed to be on the outside to express themselves so I let them do that. A couple were audible several years ago when I had (what I think was) a psychotic episode. But I haven't heard them out loud since then, just in my head. It used to be eight of them but I don't need to worry about them as much now because most of them are satisfied. I now consider all of them except paul to be part of my single identity. paul is still in my head but I don't view him as part of 'me'.

 

[Flippy]

I understand it as a model, as in a way of interpreting my thoughts and experiences I didn't understand. even the ones I couldn't express.

For most of my childhood, I smiled pretty much all the time. I smiled when I was in pain, I smiled when I was being punished, I smiled when I was scared. This led me to being punished more and being hurt more serverely. This then caused anger at the world. But that anger stayed behind my smile most of the time. it mostly came out in short outbursts eg screaming or punching a wall.

Continuing to my teenage years, I never really understood emotions, I never thought about them or spoke about them. But as more bad things happened to me, my emotions became more intense. It was only in university when I really investigated the contents of my brain and found these different parts were upset they got neglected. I found they each had needs and if I worked to meet their needs, they'd cause less problems. Some of them needed to be on the outside to express themselves so I let them do that. A couple were audible several years ago when I had (what I think was) a psychotic episode. But I haven't heard them out loud since then, just in my head. It used to be eight of them but I don't need to worry about them as much now because most of them are satisfied. I now consider all of them except paul to be part of my single identity. paul is still in my head but I don't view him as part of 'me'.

I had this problem when I was younger, I just had this reflex where I would smile when I was being "punished" for something. I didn't want to do that, but I guess I on some subliminal legal was trying to indicate I wasn't resisting. I knew whether it was just or unjust it wouldn't help to try to "fight it". Some scientists believe that "smiling" evolved as a form of grimace that would inform other "bald apes" that you had "capitulated" or weren't a threat to them.

But sadly, as you found, this "reflex" usually enrages people, because perhaps they view it as defiant or that whatever they are trying to break you with is not quite enough. So they shouted louder, hit me harder, and became far more cruel towards me.

Pretty soon I stopped smiling at all.

So you feel that these (let's call them) entities in your mind or perhaps you perceive them existing elsewhere, have been integrated over time into being part of the "whole you"? Is that reasonable to say?

When I first started to hear these voices, it was when I experienced a really bad prolonged episode of psychosis for the first time. My mother in one of her drunken, probably also psychotic, rages spent a night screaming horrible accusations about me, my sexuality, and a whole range of other stuff. Then I was kicked out of the house because I wouldn't go out at 3am to procure and pay for alcohol for her. I was around 20 years old. I was absolutely at rock bottom in terms of my self esteem and it felt like something was pushed too far in my head and something snapped. I just felt like an empty shell, not alive or dead, I didn't feel like "me" in a weird way. It's hard to put into words.

But at first when I started to hear one voice. It made this "fffffffftt ftt" sound like blowing into a microphone and said "hello hellos 'Flippy' can you hear me?" like it was coming through over a TV or Radio. I had been taking Prozac for maybe a couple of months at this point. It kinda freaked me out.

I just ignored it and made excuses for it. But it would continue saying it "wanted to help" me. So I started to have an uneasy trust after a while. It would do usually nice things at first telling me to "go eat something", or "your skin doesn't look so bad". The way it spoke, although male was when I think about it, very like my mother when she was being "kind".

But at some stage, it started getting impatient with me and would call me names and taunt me, not so bad at first, but, the reason why I remember it being three feet away was that, one evening it got really pissed at me. Then in this loud raging voice from the bottom of my bed announced that it wasn't the same voice. That it was evil and it had been trying to influence me for ages. Then boom, in came the kind voice on the right hand side, and it started arguing with it and trying to defend me. I'm still fucking amazed that my brain produced this but also I didn't run to the nearest psych ward.

At some point, I'm not sure when, these voices became "Satan" and "Jesus". Not actually things I believe in. But I suppose being indoctrinated by years of Roman Catholic schooling and church etc it's not entirely surprising.

I've wondered if the culmination of all the abuse and trauma finally exceeded my mind's ability to contain it and it sort of manifested these "things", not as like a split personality, but I suppose compartmentalized parts of my mind as that was perhaps a less abstract way to deal with it.

I'm not sure, but I still feel weird that the "Jesus" voice hung around for a good long while, until one day, it just said "You are happy now aren't you?" I jumped a little and blurted "yes.. I am" and then it said "Well I'm going to go now, you don't need me any more." To which I responded "but I will miss you." This wasn't actually true, but it was saying it was going and I didn't want to piss it off, even though I knew it could "read my mind". But it just said "it's ok, you'll be ok now." and that was it, I honestly can't think of a time where it spoke to me again.

So I wonder if it became integrated into my "self". One strange thing that I noticed though, since then when I have the self communication thing going on in my head. I still say "We need to..." instead of "I need too...". I don't think it's totally uncommon in people but I can't remember doing this until those voices showed up.

Perhaps, you still need to "integrate" Paul and Katie? Have you spoken to a psychiatrist or anyone about these "entities"? Maybe there's a way someone could help you to do this?

I think or at least, I hope, that those voices are now "integrated" and they won't show up again. I do remember when the last one went, I felt so relieved that it seemed to have gone. I was panicking for a long time that I had Schizophrenia, and probably due to my young age at the time, I had a very muddled concept of what might happen to me if I did. It has "connotations" for a lot of people.

The actually quite amusing thing was, I was watching a news program where a girl a similar age to me was talking about the onset of her Schizophrenia, and there was quite a few similarities. But when I wondered if maybe I did have it, the voices persuaded me I didn't! It would be funny I guess if it wasn't true. But I turned out to have bipolar disorder, with "psychotic features". So I'm not suggesting you have schizophrenia. Just to make that clear :-)

 

[clown_17]

Wow. You must be struggling a lot to be willing to do that to your body. Btw though if your intention was to damage yourself without dying, that's unlikely. Leaving that metal piece in means you're so incredibly likely to get sepsis. This could quite easily kill you. It could also be incredibly expensive medical bill wise. I just don't know what to think, I'll never understand what you're going through.

 

[oliviahurts]

nobody acknowledges the fucking work i put in. I worked so hard to be as well as I am today but the fucking stuck up hospital psychiatrists think that what they see is the worst state people are in. IF SOMEONE SUFFERS BUT THERES NO PSYCHIATRIST AROUND IS IT MENTAL ILLNESS? THEY SAY IM THE PROBLEM EVEN THOUGH I PUT IN ALL THE WORK. But they don't see that and then dont even fucking beleive me belive me how bad it was or how much IVE IMPOROVED ON MY OWN. they treat me like shit so I treat them like shit. bunch of selfish pricks.

Edit: this was supposed to be in response to flippy but seems quite unhinged on rereading. I have done a lot of work in accepting and helping the different parts of me. The bulk of this work was done on my own which means because there's no paper records none of the psyciatrists believed my description of my OWN FUCKING HEAD which I understand better than ANYONE. anyway. What you went trhough sound similar to what i went through. Except the psychiatrists dont think I have bipolar, they think al my problems are caused by a fucking personality disorder. Which is just another way to blame me for my own suffering. But because my mood changes faster that it's 'supposed to' for any mood disorder they're like 'oohhh noooh I guess you have borderline personality disorder'. But I tell them it's not ego syntonic so can't be the case. And then then respond with 'personality disorders don't have to be ego syntonic'. THATS THE DEFINITION OF PERSONALITY DISORDER YOU FUCKING POINTY NOSED PRAT. Then I say we should consult a psychiatry reference book and they say I'm getting too obsessed and then call me a narcissist for daring to disagree with them. pricks prick pricks pricks buncha fucking pricks.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

nobody acknowledges the fucking work i put in.

THEY SAY IM THE PROBLEM

they treat me like shit so I treat them like shit. bunch of selfish pricks.

:/ all of this could have written by me exactly to the word :/

Private care is a little better…but yet here I am.

you work so hard to improve but the progress is never recognized. Only the shortcomings.

For what it's worth I'm proud of your progress…I really don't want you to hurt your self again.

 

[Flippy]

nobody acknowledges the fucking work i put in. I worked so hard to be as well as I am today but the fucking stuck up hospital psychiatrists think that what they see is the worst state people are in. IF SOMEONE SUFFERS BUT THERES NO PSYCHIATRIST AROUND IS IT MENTAL ILLNESS? THEY SAY IM THE PROBLEM EVEN THOUGH I PUT IN ALL THE WORK. But they don't see that and then dont even fucking beleive me belive me how bad it was or how much IVE IMPOROVED ON MY OWN. they treat me like shit so I treat them like shit. bunch of selfish pricks.

Edit: this was supposed to be in response to flippy but seems quite unhinged on rereading. I have done a lot of work in accepting and helping the different parts of me. The bulk of this work was done on my own which means because there's no paper records none of the psyciatrists believed my description of my OWN FUCKING HEAD which I understand better than ANYONE. anyway. What you went trhough sound similar to what i went through. Except the psychiatrists dont think I have bipolar, they think al my problems are caused by a fucking personality disorder. Which is just another way to blame me for my own suffering. But because my mood changes faster that it's 'supposed to' for any mood disorder they're like 'oohhh noooh I guess you have borderline personality disorder'. But I tell them it's not ego syntonic so can't be the case. And then then respond with 'personality disorders don't have to be ego syntonic'. THATS THE DEFINITION OF PERSONALITY DISORDER YOU FUCKING POINTY NOSED PRAT. Then I say we should consult a psychiatry reference book and they say I'm getting too obsessed and then call me a narcissist for daring to disagree with them. pricks prick pricks pricks buncha fucking pricks.

Hey @oliviahurts ! Don't feel bad! I and a lot of us here, have at least the occasional "unhinged rant". So as far as I'm concerned, fill up your boots!

I'm really sorry that you've had the, sadly, "par for the course" attitude from psychiatrists. It sounds to me that you are smart, probably very smart if you are a bit of a coding ninja from what you've said, and I don't have any reason to doubt that. When people are smart and skilled, sadly they run into the "blaggers" or "grifters" who have convinced a few key credulous people that they are a wunderkind. I suppose they assume "you" or "I" are playing the same game so they arbitrarily attack our point of view, because they think it makes them sound more "credible".

With this in mind, I'm not surprised that you have been able to educate yourself on a few things regarding your illnesses. This provokes a similar response from "professionals" to the "grifters" you've encountered (at least possibly, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).

The bottom line is, smart people, and there are an abundance on this forum, ask questions.

If you can understand C++ and make it sing and dance, why shouldn't you be able to understand the IDC-10? The problem is, if you "misapply" the methods in your code, it will very obviously not work, or not produce the intended results. It won't be a matter for debate unless you are UbiSoft of course but that's a bad example. But if psychiatrists misapply the idc-10 most people won't be paying enough attention to notice.

Right now "borderline personality disorder" seems to be the diagnosis "de jour". If your only tool is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail. It's supposed to be a very rare condition, that is only diagnosed after years of observation. It can't, by their own diagnostic criteria, be diagnosed in half an hour by a psychiatrist, no matter how apparently skilled, or how much they just gosh darned like the idea.

The problem occurs from "psychiatrists" doing some impromptu improvisation with the IDC-10. They treat it as a sort of sushi bar, and "borrow" bits from one section on say "anxiety" or "depression". They make a big long list of references to things that aren't under the diagnostic criteria, perhaps only having one symptom relating to "personality disorders".

The idc-10 is very clear. In order to diagnose a "personality disorder" you MUST have several of the diagnostic criterion occurring frequently and essentially permanently, in a patient, and these pervasive criterion MUST be shown to adversely affect their personal relationships etc.

They seem to take one facet or feature of one part of your illness, and ride and flog it to a "personality disorder" diagnosis.

They extrapolate, how you are feeling "now" to how you have "always been". This seems to be particularly prevalent in the UK. I've read several baffled accounts of people diagnosed with bipolar suddenly finding themselves with a BPD diagnosis and finding it impossible to reconcile with their experience. I've known one person, in the middle of bipolar, psychotic mania, have their diagnosis changed to BPD because when they were mad as a marsh hare, they wouldn't do as they were told.

BPD is an expedient "diagnosis", which just so happens to have the added benefit of blaming the patient and allowing them to "justify" discharging patients, because "they need to change their behaviour and cooperate."

If you admit you've experienced abuse as a child then psychiatrists love that, they say "abused child always = BPD". There's no grounds for argument or appeal. If you were abused as a child you can only have a personality disorder as far as they are concerned. But here's the "grift" child abuse IS NOT a diagnostic criterion for a personality disorder!

There's perhaps a condition that "fits" the criteria for a personality disorder diagnosis. I know there are a few people on these forums who have that diagnosis. If they believe it accurately reflects their condition then that is fine. But I worry that they don't get the support they need. It seems in the main that they don't.

If these sorts of disorders are as hard to live with as they sound then it is absolutely fucking unforgivable that they are cast aside and blamed for their own illness and routinely described as awkward or difficult, attention seeking patients.

It is disgraceful that all the shit that they have endured and deal with has been formed into a bat to beat them with. In some cases they are subject to police prying into their medical records and are forced to sign "contracts" that say they will be refused treatment if they harm themselves or attempt suicide. What kind of excuse for treatment is that in a "civilised" country. It's barbaric!

It probably won't surprising you I have also had my diagnosis changed without being informed to BPD. This was after years and years of other apparently qualified people telling me that I definitely didn't have BPD as my symptoms didn't fit etc, etc. What was even more ridiculous, was that my "psychiatrist" insisted I had never been diagnosed with bipolar. This is a load of shit as it's on my medical records. But my insistence that the diagnosis had been made was used as "evidence" that I was basically lying about my medical history, THEREFORE: BPD.

So I've gotten into a long rant too here as this nonsense has personally impacted myself and other people I know! It makes me so angry that there are people who will twist and subvert the rules of their own profession and "science" to bully and abuse vulnerable patients.

I will never volunteer to visit a psychiatrist ever again. I don't care how bad it gets. I'm never going to let them push their pills or dumb "treatments" that only served to make me feel far worse. I'm lucky now that the last psychiatrist seemed to agree that I do have bipolar, not bpd. But in a sense it's a moot point as I will never be seeking further "treatment" for it, the damage caused last time was far too severe.

 

[oliviahurts]

Hey @oliviahurts ! Don't feel bad! I and a lot of us here, have at least the occasional "unhinged rant". So as far as I'm concerned, fill up your boots!

I'm really sorry that you've had the, sadly, "par for the course" attitude from psychiatrists. It sounds to me that you are smart, probably very smart if you are a bit of a coding ninja from what you've said, and I don't have any reason to doubt that. When people are smart and skilled, sadly they run into the "blaggers" or "grifters" who have convinced a few key credulous people that they are a wunderkind. I suppose they assume "you" or "I" are playing the same game so they arbitrarily attack our point of view, because they think it makes them sound more "credible".

With this in mind, I'm not surprised that you have been able to educate yourself on a few things regarding your illnesses. This provokes a similar response from "professionals" to the "grifters" you've encountered (at least possibly, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).

The bottom line is, smart people, and there are an abundance on this forum, ask questions.

If you can understand C++ and make it sing and dance, why shouldn't you be able to understand the IDC-10? The problem is, if you "misapply" the methods in your code, it will very obviously not work, or not produce the intended results. It won't be a matter for debate unless you are UbiSoft of course but that's a bad example. But if psychiatrists misapply the idc-10 most people won't be paying enough attention to notice.

Right now "borderline personality disorder" seems to be the diagnosis "de jour". If your only tool is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail. It's supposed to be a very rare condition, that is only diagnosed after years of observation. It can't, by their own diagnostic criteria, be diagnosed in half an hour by a psychiatrist, no matter how apparently skilled, or how much they just gosh darned like the idea.

Thank you. reading this made me feel a bit better. or at least feel less alone about it.

They seem to take one facet or feature of one part of your illness, and ride and flog it to a "personality disorder" diagnosis.

They couldn't understand why I hurt myself. Even when I explained it they didn't believe me so they just put me in the bucket of 'people who self harm for some reason'. And then tried to force square BPD into a round hole in my diagnosis. Also, you know the systems broken when different psychiatrists/psychologists disagree about which disorder you have.

BPD is an expedient "diagnosis", which just so happens to have the added benefit of blaming the patient and allowing them to "justify" discharging patients, because "they need to change their behaviour and cooperate."

I've been dumped onto the personality disorder outpatient service which is unashamedly entirely for people with the BPD label who were kicked out of other services because of it. The only thing they offer is this online 'training course' for emotions where they 'teach' you how to have stable relationships and how to 'regulate' your mood. I'm still in the waiting list for this. I had to call to get on the waiting list to be put on the waiting list which itself is absurd. If I ever reach the top of the waiting list, I'll just use the group to vent. If people complain I'll just say 'I've been told I have BPD so I can't control my behaviour'.

I will never volunteer to visit a psychiatrist ever again. I don't care how bad it gets. I'm never going to let them push their pills or dumb "treatments" that only served to make me feel far worse. I'm lucky now that the last psychiatrist seemed to agree that I do have bipolar, not bpd. But in a sense it's a moot point as I will never be seeking further "treatment" for it, the damage caused last time was far too severe.

I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon, I feel a bit worried about it but know that if she's bad then I can just ask to speak to another one. I just don't want any bright sparks fiddling with my medication.

 

[Flippy]

Thank you. reading this made me feel a bit better. or at least feel less alone about it.

They couldn't understand why I hurt myself. Even when I explained it they didn't believe me so they just put me in the bucket of 'people who self harm for some reason'. And then tried to force square BPD into a round hole in my diagnosis. Also, you know the systems broken when different psychiatrists/psychologists disagree about which disorder you have.

I've been dumped onto the personality disorder outpatient service which is unashamedly entirely for people with the BPD label who were kicked out of other services because of it. The only thing they offer is this online 'training course' for emotions where they 'teach' you how to have stable relationships and how to 'regulate' your mood. I'm still in the waiting list for this. I had to call to get on the waiting list to be put on the waiting list which itself is absurd. If I ever reach the top of the waiting list, I'll just use the group to vent. If people complain I'll just say 'I've been told I have BPD so I can't control my behaviour'.

I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist soon, I feel a bit worried about it but know that if she's bad then I can just ask to speak to another one. I just don't want any bright sparks fiddling with my medication.

Good I'm glad that you feel less alone at the very least!

I think that there's this view that "self harm, is self harm, is self harm ad nauseam..." In your case, it seems it's a bit more complex than that. Again "self harm" is a diagnostic criterion for a number of disorders, one of which might be BPD. However, I have seen documentaries and patient stories of bipolar individuals who "self harm" one was an ex military captain who "drilled holes in her head" another was a man, who when manic, would burn his body with cigarettes and other things. I've seen many more, but these are the ones that stick out in my mind.

The only time I have self harmed has been when I'm extremely depressed and anxious. The harm has not been "aggressive" or "violent" or severe. It's been a way of "confusing" my brain on where the pain comes from. I started doing this sort of thing when I was younger when I used to get severe migraines and when the pain was just too much I would hit myself hard on my thigh, it would for a short while, seem to confuse my brain as to where the pain was coming from. I was still in pain but for maybe 20 seconds or so, it was like it just glitched my brain for a moment. It was like "division by 0" in code terms.

So when the mental pain I was in became too much I would do this sort of thing as I thought it might just cause a similar "glitch" and sometimes it kinda did. But self harm for me has been pretty darned rare. But the odd thing is, noone complained about me trying to solve my migraine attacks that way.

And oh jeeeeezzuz Christ! Those fucking dumb "managing emotions" classes. I spent the whole time (as I didn't know about this diagnostic "wet dream" the "psychiatrist" had) thinking to myself "why am I here?! I don't have these issues, my mood is the problem, I'm just feeling rock bottom??? And why is everyone else talking about BPD?" I mean I attended them in good faith, but at the end, I just felt that I had wasted my time. My illness seemed to have only a miniscule amount in common with other people there. And I certainly didn't feel any better.

For these lazy psychiatrists, it's far easier to fob you off with BPD and send you to learn how to "manage your emotions" than to do the hard work of actually reaching a valid diagnosis.

Now, I agree, you seem to be smart enough to understand what is going on in your head. So they need to listen. If you can differentiate between your experience and the diagnostic criteria for BPD, then I have no reason to doubt you. The problem happens when these "professionals" tell "you" how "you feel", when that's a perverse inversion of reality. "You" tell "them" how "you" feel.

I hope that your next appointment goes far better with the next psychiatrist. I would maybe see if you can bring someone with you, perhaps a professional advocate. I'm pretty sure Mind and similar organisations can offer this. Or perhaps your mum if you are comfortable with that. Maybe prepare a list of questions you want to ask and your reasons why you don't think the symptoms match up to make the diagnosis valid. In my case it was embarrassingly obvious that my "psychiatrist" had failed to look at my notes or just ignored them, and had failed to provide any evidence at all for his diagnosis. It boiled down to "this guy was abused as a child so it absolutely has to be BPD."

Another thing I would recommend, if you don't do this already, look up "Logical Fallacies" familiarise yourself with them as these clowns commit them over and over, the most common examples are "Affirming the Consequent", "Denying the Antecedent", and "Straw man Fallacy." If you are good at coding, these are like methods you can call to show an argument has faulty premises and it makes it easier to expose them

Incidentally, are you in the north or south of the UK? You don't have to tell me if you aren't comfortable. I just find your experience has been eerily similar to mine in some cases and I wouldnt be surprised if we were in the same "mental health trust".

There is one thing, I've failed to ask though and I feel bad. How is your back doing? Have you thought any more about maybe having it looked at?