Story I drilled a hole in my spine to make myself disabled

[oliviahurts]

Hello people, this is my first post and I wanted to share something that I've done recently and how it turned out. First off, I want to say that I'm not currently suicidal. I have been a lot in the past but in the past few months I've been thinking about it less and less (probably owing to medication). I am posting this on sanctioned-suicide because I really can't think of anywhere else where I can talk about this lightly without people telling me that they feel sorry for me or that I should tell a friend/psychiatrist what I did.

Three days ago I drilled a hole in my spine. This is not the first hole I've drilled into my body with the previous attempts being targeted at the brain about 10 months ago (leading to a long psychiatric hospital admission). My motivation for drilling these parts this is due to the onset of functional neurological disorder (or possibly conversion disorder) which left me temporarily (physically) disabled for a few months. When it was getting worse, I found socialising easier. Knowing that others knew I was disabled made me believe that they would have lower expectations of me significantly reducing my social anxiety. Dispite things getting physically difficult, I found the challenge of coordinating my body distracted me from the enormous stress that work, going outside and talking to people usually cause. I even made vlogs on facebook about what was happening (something I've never had the confidence to do).

But I noticed myself getting better, and this was a problem because all the good things would diminish as the disability faded. So I bought a drill, looked at neurological diagrams of the brain, and cross sections of the head to work out where I needed to drill to induce the same effect. I'm not sure if I missed or if I simply didn't do enough damage, but the only effect was a agonizing headache. I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to go away so I called 911 and was taken to hospital. This resulted in a week-long stay in the neurology ward and an 8 month long stay at a psychiatric hospital.

Fast forward to last week and I found myself still pining for what I had a year ago. This time however I decided to drill into my spine, which wouldn't look the same as the FND, but I didn't want to do my head as that would be found out rather quickly. I knew it would be agonizingly painful but seemed like the best option.

So arranging everything I tried drilling on 4 of 5 consecutive nights. Each night had varying success but the one that worked in the end was to drill a 2mm pilot hole 10mm deep and then perform two drills with a 3mm bit, one 30mm in and the other 50mm in. My plan was to up to a 4mm hole 70mm deep, but the pain and success of the 50mm hole made me decide to stop there. I broke off the end of the 3mm bit and kept it in the hole to keep it from closing up. This still stuck out slightly as I struggled to align the hole in tissue with the one in the disc.

I 'slept' that night without pain killers, really I just lay down and watched a movie on my laptop waiting for the night to be over. In the morning, I found I had slept a couple hours but was still in agonzing pain. Pleased that the pain didn't get better, I removed the stud and decided I wouldn't need to expand the hole, just let it get worse with wear.

Three days later and it's still bad. Sit to stand is painful, getting in and out of bed is 8/10 and bending over is pretty much impossible. I estimate that the effects will last between 1 and 6 months, after which I'd have to redrill the hole. It's leaking blood and spinal fluid and I don't have any bandages so it's hard to prevent the stuff from staining my clothes. My mum thinks I pulled a muscle in my back so I'm trying my best to play down the severity of the pain in front of her. Today I can feel numbness in my thigh which is unexpected unless I drilled clean through the disc and into the spinal coord, causing compression, but it could also be aching from the 2-15 minutes it takes me to change posture. I'm going to keep monitoring it and see if I made it to the coord.

 

[DepressedSloth]

That was an awesome read. Thank you

 

[Flippy]

Hello people, this is my first post and I wanted to share something that I've done recently and how it turned out. First off, I want to say that I'm not currently suicidal. I have been a lot in the past but in the past few months I've been thinking about it less and less (probably owing to medication). I am posting this on sanctioned-suicide because I really can't think of anywhere else where I can talk about this lightly without people telling me that they feel sorry for me or that I should tell a friend/psychiatrist what I did.

Three days ago I drilled a hole in my spine. This is not the first hole I've drilled into my body with the previous attempts being targeted at the brain about 10 months ago (leading to a long psychiatric hospital admission). My motivation for drilling these parts this is due to the onset of functional neurological disorder (or possibly conversion disorder) which left me temporarily (physically) disabled for a few months. When it was getting worse, I found socialising easier. Knowing that others knew I was disabled made me believe that they would have lower expectations of me significantly reducing my social anxiety. Dispite things getting physically difficult, I found the challenge of coordinating my body distracted me from the enormous stress that work, going outside and talking to people usually cause. I even made vlogs on facebook about what was happening (something I've never had the confidence to do).

But I noticed myself getting better, and this was a problem because all the good things would diminish as the disability faded. So I bought a drill, looked at neurological diagrams of the brain, and cross sections of the head to work out where I needed to drill to induce the same effect. I'm not sure if I missed or if I simply didn't do enough damage, but the only effect was a agonizing headache. I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to go away so I called 911 and was taken to hospital. This resulted in a week-long stay in the neurology ward and an 8 month long stay at a psychiatric hospital.

Fast forward to last week and I found myself still pining for what I had a year ago. This time however I decided to drill into my spine, which wouldn't look the same as the FND, but I didn't want to do my head as that would be found out rather quickly. I knew it would be agonizingly painful but seemed like the best option.

So arranging everything I tried drilling on 4 of 5 consecutive nights. Each night had varying success but the one that worked in the end was to drill a 2mm pilot hole 10mm deep and then perform two drills with a 3mm bit, one 30mm in and the other 50mm in. My plan was to up to a 4mm hole 70mm deep, but the pain and success of the 50mm hole made me decide to stop there. I broke off the end of the 3mm bit and kept it in the hole to keep it from closing up. This still stuck out slightly as I struggled to align the hole in tissue with the one in the disc.

I 'slept' that night without pain killers, really I just lay down and watched a movie on my laptop waiting for the night to be over. In the morning, I found I had slept a couple hours but was still in agonzing pain. Pleased that the pain didn't get better, I removed the stud and decided I wouldn't need to expand the hole, just let it get worse with wear.

Three days later and it's still bad. Sit to stand is painful, getting in and out of bed is 8/10 and bending over is pretty much impossible. I estimate that the effects will last between 1 and 6 months, after which I'd have to redrill the hole. It's leaking blood and spinal fluid and I don't have any bandages so it's hard to prevent the stuff from staining my clothes. My mum thinks I pulled a muscle in my back so I'm trying my best to play down the severity of the pain in front of her. Today I can feel numbness in my thigh which is unexpected unless I drilled clean through the disc and into the spinal coord, causing compression, but it could also be aching from the 2-15 minutes it takes me to change posture. I'm going to keep monitoring it and see if I made it to the coord.

I'm really so very sorry that you are so distressed that you feel that you need to do this to yourself. I can only imagine how distressed you are.

I don't wish to scare you unduly, or sound judgemental but I would really urge you to seek some medical attention.

I hesitate to say this as I don't want to cause you further distress. However, I feel I have a responsibility to tell you this as your actions could result in consequences you have not intended.

So here it is...

If you have managed to liberate spinal fluid, this can be dangerous. You could get an infection that might cause your brain to swell. This is why lumbar punctures are done in very controlled, sanitary conditions.

If you are prepared to take this kind of risk, then you likely do qualify as having a disability, not necessarily physical, though you may very well find your physical symptoms return without intervention.

Please speak to a doctor. You must be pretty smart if you have had the foresight to look up medical diagrams to aid you. That suggests to me that you have an intelligence that it would be tragic to harm.

I'm not judging you. But I don't think you want to destroy your mind. You just want to return to the physical condition that brought you comfort.

Sorry, I just can't help but be worried about you. Please speak to someone you trust about this.

 

[Flippy]

@oliviahurts you're a fucking idiot.

I don't think that's a particularly helpful thing to say.

Desperate people do desperate things. Self harm is very common in people with mental illness and I would suggest that someone who has taken these actions most likely has a mental illness. Therefore, I'm not at all surprised their actions aren't perfectly rational.

 

[ven]

Admirable tenacity.

As flippy pointed out, you're significantly increasing your probability of contracting meningitis. If your goal is to become disabled and not to die, you may want to speak with a physician about taking a course of antibiotics and closing the wound. Of course, this would probably lead to a referral to a psychiatrist.

Have you looked into elective limb amputation?

 

[Flippy]

I don't give a fuck. I know two disabled people on ss personally who want nothing more than to be healthy.

I have no sympathy for the op. If you can drill a hole in your spine, just cut you fucking artery, spare us the woe is me, and don't be a burden to tax payers.

Let me make this simple.

Brain not work properly.

People do "stupid" things.

 

[summers]

Let me make this simple.

Brain not work properly.

People do "stupid" things.

This is why ss infuriates me sometimes. But just to save myself the headache, I unwatched this thread and ignored the op.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Well, it doesn't make sense to demonize the OP, that is some serious mental health issue she has going on. Of course it reads as totally fucked up to everyday people and probably most of us, but who are we to judge. Having said that I hope you do stop this immediately OP. There are far better ways to achieve what you're looking for.

 

[newave3]

I never understood self harm. How can anyone inflict pain on themselves like this? The op says she is not suicidal but wouldn't this amount of pain cause her to eventually become suicidal?
I hate living with pain. I just want to end it all in one brief flash of pain. I can't get my mind around what the op has done to herself. This thread has left me speechless.

 

[aviation]

Please be as safe as you can under the circumstances. Your choices are yours, and only you can truly judge this, what you feel, and what you need. The calculation and determination you show speak to you having made up your mind. I do genuinely wish you luck and perseverance, if this is truly what you wish to do.

 

[Flippy]

I never understood self harm. How can anyone inflict pain on themselves like this? The op says she is not suicidal but wouldn't this amount of pain cause her to eventually become suicidal?
I hate living with pain. I just want to end it all in one brief flash of pain. I can't get my mind around what the op has done to herself. This thread has left me speechless.

I experience a lot of pain too, so, like you, I also worry about people who potentially risk life long chronic pain.

If your thought processes are not rational though, then they can lead to inexplicable behaviours and bad consequences.

Having bipolar disorder, I can at times feel like I'm capable of far more than I am. If I'm manic, I can truly believe I am basically invincible. People used to tell me I should take a break from all the physical stuff I used to do. But I just thought my body would keep going, like it was made out of titanium. Now I suspect that a lot of the pain I experience has been caused by pushing myself too far. Well, I more than suspect, I'm pretty sure.

I can repeat over and over in my head that "I wont over estimate myself, next time", but my brain will "tell" me that I'm invincible.

My view is that OP's brain "tells" them, "do this thing and things will be better for you."

Whether their actions can be understood in rational terms or not, the bottom line is that this person, if they have drilled a hole into their spine, may not have the insight to understand the risks involved.

 

[xLosthopex]

Like… using an actual household DIY drill ?? Sorry just trying to wrap my head around this
But I actually really relate to the whole 'if I'm disabled/sick there won't be as much expectations/pressure on me from other people/society to be productive etc" -That was a big part of me developing anorexia

 

[Makko]

That's the most metal thing I've read in a while. That being said, there are less roundabout ways for making people lower their expectations of you.

 

[DepressedSloth]

That was an awesome read. Thank you

Holy fuck, I was in a fucked up state of mind. Idk if op story is true but if it is, I'm sorry you're going through the kinda issues that cause you to do this stuff. I wasn't sure if it was a true story so I acted as if it wasn't serious. But maybe it's all true what op did and fuck, I'm so sorry, please don't do that to yourself anymore

I don't give a fuck. I know two disabled people on ss personally who want nothing more than to be healthy.

I have no sympathy for the op. If you can drill a hole in your spine, just cut you fucking artery, spare us the woe is me, and don't be a burden to tax payers.

Op doesn't have any choice in their wants and neither do we, we all have something fucking with our minds one way or another

Let me make this simple.

Brain not work properly.

People do "stupid" things.

This should be an official proverb or something like that jajaja

Like… using an actual household DIY drill ?? Sorry just trying to wrap my head around this
But I actually really relate to the whole 'if I'm disabled/sick there won't be as much expectations/pressure on me from other people/society to be productive etc" -That was a big part of me developing anorexia

Yeah I feel this. People are given too many expectations and we all have so much pressure from our friends and family it's like exhausting

 

[SleepDealer]

I'd be with Threesummers if I actually believed this story, but I don't. Anyway, this reminds me of the disorder that leads people to cut off their limbs, I believe it's called body integrity identity disorder.

 

[demuic]

I hope this is a troll post.

 

[Makko]

I hope this is a troll post.

I'd be let down.

 

[oliviahurts]

If you have managed to liberate spinal fluid, this can be dangerous. You could get an infection that might cause your brain to swell. This is why lumbar punctures are done in very controlled, sanitary conditions.

I couldn't find anything online that said it could cause brain damage. I feel like a hole in my spine isn't as bad as a hole in my head. I'll keep watching to see how it progresses and seek help if it goes beyond what I expect.

Please speak to someone you trust about this.

I don't have any of those.

@oliviahurts you're a fucking idiot.

:)

Have you looked into elective limb amputation?

Yeah but it's too localized and also limits the sympathy I could get if they knew it was self-inflicted.

I don't give a fuck. I know two disabled people on ss personally who want nothing more than to be healthy.

I have no sympathy for the op. If you can drill a hole in your spine, just cut you fucking artery, spare us the woe is me, and don't be a burden to tax payers.

I don't agree with the concept of 'worth = tax - benefits' because tax is paid to a government that can just print as much money as it likes. The government (or central bank) decides the value of money so me not paying taxes isn't going to break the system. I used to work really hard, through school and university and later in my next job. But speaking to a friend, he asked me why I worked so hard. I thought about it for a few days and then had a come-to-jesus moment where I realised I could just slack off and the worse that could happen is I could get put on performance review. And then I realized that I didn't like working but I liked slacking off in the office even less, so I left. I see this as a completely acceptable option because I could easily see a parallel me working away for 50 years and hating every moment of it but being scared to leave. So the real question is 'why make yourself miserable for the sake of a government that has more than enough money?'

Well, it doesn't make sense to demonize the OP, that is some serious mental health issue she has going on. Of course it reads as totally fucked up to everyday people and probably most of us, but who are we to judge. Having said that I hope you do stop this immediately OP. There are far better ways to achieve what you're looking for.

I'm not planning on going in again soon.

I never understood self harm. How can anyone inflict pain on themselves like this? The op says she is not suicidal but wouldn't this amount of pain cause her to eventually become suicidal?
I hate living with pain. I just want to end it all in one brief flash of pain. I can't get my mind around what the op has done to herself. This thread has left me speechless.

I think I feel pain in a different way to other people. Sharp concentrated pain feels both bad and good, whereas dull radiating pain feels only bad. So when I get dull raidiating pain, eg from a spot, I try to turn it into a sharp pain by cutting the spot off. I don't think I fear pain as much as other people, this could be something to do with my childhood.

Whether their actions can be understood in rational terms or not, the bottom line is that this person, if they have drilled a hole into their spine, may not have the insight to understand the risks involved.

My risk tolerance is a lot higher than others. I don't mind doing high risk stuff to my body because although I'm not actively trying to kill myself, I'm not particularly scared of dying.

Like… using an actual household DIY drill ?? Sorry just trying to wrap my head around this
But I actually really relate to the whole 'if I'm disabled/sick there won't be as much expectations/pressure on me from other people/society to be productive etc" -That was a big part of me developing anorexia

Yeah, just a regular cordless drill.

I'd be with Threesummers if I actually believed this story, but I don't. Anyway, this reminds me of the disorder that leads people to cut off their limbs, I believe it's called body integrity identity disorder.

Spoiler: Gross images

 

[ClairyFairy]

Ahh man wow! You really need to see a dr if you haven't already. Getting an infection would be bad but you might end up not being able to move. Please go and see someone, if it's not already too late. How come the noise of the drill didn't bother your mum?

 

[oliviahurts]

How come the noise of the drill didn't bother your mum?

I live in a flat on my own. My mum lives down the road.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I live in a flat on my own. My mum lives down the road.

How are you today x

 

[oliviahurts]

How are you today x

Tired. I havent been able to sleep properly for the past week. But other than that im okay. im just gonna stay in bed for most of the day and se if i can get extra sleep. No plans today except my mum's comimg over for lunch.

Edit: it feels significantly less painful today being around 6/10 at its worst. I think the fact that its an open wound is preventing a buildup of pressure. I've done some tests and have so far have observed no sensory/motor problems in my lower half. I'm going to try a full battery of tests later today. I'm a bit baffled honestly because I'm pretty sure I went through the cord. I need to make a decision about what to do next.

 

[Flippy]

Tired. I havent been able to sleep properly for the past week. But other than that im okay. im just gonna stay in bed for most of the day and se if i can get extra sleep. No plans today except my mum's comimg over for lunch.

Edit: it feels significantly less painful today being around 6/10 at its worst. I think the fact that its an open wound is preventing a buildup of pressure. I've done some tests and have so far have observed no sensory/motor problems in my lower half. I'm going to try a full battery of tests later today. I'm a bit baffled honestly because I'm pretty sure I went through the cord. I need to make a decision about what to do next.

Please believe me when I say, once you end up with chronic pain and it never lets up, you will likely wish you could turn back the clock.

My dad has a very rare spinal injury/condition and whilst, yes, people have lower expectations as to what he can do. He has rare opportunity to enjoy this "leisure" time. He's in a lot of pain and his meds have him in a virtual sleep all day. He can't concentrate on the things he would like to do, as he's either too tired, too drunk from the meds, or in too much pain.

All that and not to mention, the affect of this spinal injury on his bodily functions.

I don't know how you managed to dismiss the pain, but I know it's entirely probable that someone could do such a thing as drill into their body. The spinal cord is like a bundle of wires that branch off to various organs and areas of the body. If you have hit the spinal cord you may have caused imperceivable damage in part of the peripheral nervous system. This might all seem trivial until you loose the ability to control your bowels for example. Or if you drill sufficiently high up you can cause an aneurysm and die in minutes.

I have found that doctors can be quite dismissive of damaged nerves. My dad's spinal collum was being crushed and destroyed right before the doctors eyes, and because his "symptoms didn't make sense" to them, because of their lack of skill he will never be the same. Loosing the use, or partially loosing the use of your legs will come with a whole host of extra misery that perhaps you aren't bargaining for.

I have been writhing in the most extreme pain I have ever experienced in my whole life on two occasions. I was treated like I was making it all up, just like my dad was. Now my right arm is very weak and I've lost dexterity. My mid back, to balance that out feels like someone is driving a screw into it most of the time. This means I can't sit for long, can't stand for long, can't lie down for long without making the pain worse.

My right arm is so useless at times I can't hold on to things, I drop stuff all the time. I can't get into a comfortable posture to play piano or guitar. I can't enjoy video games the way I used to. Reading books becomes difficult and painful as I can't hold them in the right position for long. It drives me mad.

What I'm trying to say is, all this "free time" would be awesome for both me and my dad, if we were able to actually enjoy it.

Besides that, an open wound leading directly to your spinal cavity will introduce viruses and bacteria. Once they travel to this part of your body, there are no immune defences. Nothing to stop them wreaking havoc.

Since most symptoms of infection are due to immune response, you likely won't notice anything is wrong until it's too late. This is why I strongly urge you to seek medical help.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I have thought of doing similar things and have tried to damage my body as well. I never succeeded and only worsened my overall state. If there's anything worse than wanting to die it's having to life with unbearable conditions.

I hope you feel better soon Olivia.

 

[user_name_here]

it's a troll account.

 

[motel rooms]

I hope this is a troll post.

if I actually believed this story, but I don't.

Don't be cynical, people. I have an unbelievably high pain threshold too. I often drill surgically precise holes in my body. My hand stays perfectly steady throughout the entire procedure; if I get the urge to writhe around on the floor & scream bloody murder, I just sing myself a soothing Enya song & continue.

 

[user_name_here]

Don't be cynical, people. I have an unbelievably high pain threshold too. I often drill surgically precise holes in my body. My hand stays perfectly steady throughout the entire procedure; if I get the urge to writhe around on the floor & scream bloody murder, I just sing myself a soothing Enya song & continue.

"Let me drill, let me drill, this is my Orinoco hole"

 

[Flippy]

Don't be cynical, people. I have an unbelievably high pain threshold too. I often drill surgically precise holes in my body. My hand stays perfectly steady throughout the entire procedure; if I get the urge to writhe around on the floor & scream bloody murder, I just sing myself a soothing Enya song & continue.

Damn, I wish my pain threshold was that consistent. I've been stabbed by a steel rod about 5mm in diameter when I walked smack into a fixed set of shelves holding a collapsible poly box. I didn't realize until I attempted to move the box and the steel rod stayed still as the plastic slid off lol! I didn't even notice any pain despite it going in-between my ribs. I probably should have gotten checked out but I was ok.

I seem to have a pretty good pain threshold as long as the injury is spontaneous and accidental. Probably more likely when I'm super focused. If I cause an injury deliberately to myself, then not so much.

You must be made of sterner stuff than I am. :-0

 

[Makko]

Damn, I wish my pain threshold was that consistent. I've been stabbed by a steel rod about 5mm in diameter when I walked smack into a fixed set of shelves holding a collapsible poly box. I didn't realize until I attempted to move the box and the steel rod stayed still as the plastic slid off lol! I didn't even notice any pain despite it going in-between my ribs. I probably should have gotten checked out but I was ok.

I seem to have a pretty good pain threshold as long as the injury is spontaneous and accidental. Probably more likely when I'm super focused. If I cause an injury deliberately to myself, then not so much.

You must be made of sterner stuff than I am. :-0

He's not being serious.

 

[Panna]

He's not being serious.

If you're right this saddens me