Im defective. I wish I had access to poison so I could just be done with this shit....
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I am tired of waking up every day
Knowing the best that can happen is that nothing gets worse
Usually it does get worse
Little by little
I don't know if hope makes it hurt more or hurt less
But it just feels like every day's some sadistic test
To see how long I can live with an empty heart
How long I'll last before it will tear me apart
Honestly, I've had enough
I'm just about ready to go
If anyone would do me the kindness
To provide me an easy way out...
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Fuck, somatization sucks.
Try to let the pain go, it just sinks down into my gut and gives me indigestion... aaaaaaaa
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Here's something pathetic ive never shared before. Since this website is anonymous I guess it doesnt matter.
My fantasy, my hope, my dream is that when I die one day, I can be reborn a wild animal. To have a loving family, to be free of humanity, those are my deepest desires.
But if I had to keep all my memories from this life for some reason, I don't think I could fully enjoy the beauty of it.
So in that case, I wouldn't mind being somebody's pet.. It's stupid, it's pathetic, but I would get a lot of joy out of it for two reasons. First, because I would be loved and cared for. Second, because I would inspire love in others. The idea of somebody looking at me and being made joyful by my presence and appearence makes me really happy. The idea that I could improve somebody's life and warm their heart just by being alive and being myself.
I'd love to curl up in lap of someone like myself who is so deeply traumatized and woeful and sorrowful, and just stay there cozied up to them. Remind them that love exists, that there's beauty in the world. That at least something cares for them and enjoys their company and warmth, even if that something were just a "mere" animal..
I want to be happy, healthy, and loved.
I want others to be happy, healthy, and loved.
Why can't everybody want these things?
Why is it that the good and the kind and the innocent suffer, while the evil and malignant get everything good in life it seems?
Should it not be those who commit evil acts who should be punished, not their victims!?
I wish I could cry right now. I hate how fucked my emotions are, I can't feel anything right anymore. I should br crying. God(s) damn it all..
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If you're reading this right now, can you tell me how reading all of this affects you?
I really am curious how other people think when exposed to this sort of material.