Venting I don't want to put in any effort anymore.

[Burdenphilic]

I'm suicidal, again.

Not my first time being suicidal, I've always had these phases, and I even thought of a method the last time I was suicidal. What stopped me? Well, I thought about how great life would be if I started putting in effort.

I thought about how great life could have gotten if I toughened it out and worked hard to improve my situation, what if my life didn't have to be an unfortunate sequence of events if I just try hard enough to prevent that? What if I can look back on my suicidal moments and just be grateful for not taking the final step and end it all? What if I truly would find meaning to everything?

But now I know the price, the expensive costs; endurance, hard work, and effort.

Nothing comes easy, I have to work for things, I have to put in effort, I have to get up from my bed each morning no matter how big of a struggle it is, I have to put on a mask in front of others and hide who I truly am just to appeal to their expectations, I have to put in effort to improve my quality of life even if it's just a slight chance and not even predictable, all the bs in the world I have to put effort to ignore, I'm just done.

I'm tired, the struggles ahead seem too large to bear, everything seems too much even if it's "temporary", even if there may be a brighter tomorrow which I probably won't even get to see because of how I just don't want to put in any effort in life anymore, I don't care.


I genuinely don't want to put in any effort in my life, I don't want to do anything, I genuinely don't want to endure everything right now, and my life is a total shithole, I don't want to put in the effort to make my life any better, and if I don't? Then my future is fucked, my life will go downhill and I'll have nothing for myself, so at the end of the day, where do I end up again? Oh, that's right, suicidal ideation.

Fuck.

 

[witchcraft]

This is what those who land on the right side of "survivorship bias" fail to understand.

Sorry you're going through this. I spent four years on a degree and, in the end, all I achieved was relating to this post.

 

[Burdenphilic]

This is what those who land on the right side of "survivorship bias" fail to understand.

Sorry you're going through this. I spent four years on a degree and, in the end, all I achieved was relating to this post.

I'm so so sorry to hear that it sucks that you spent all that time on something and still didn't benefit from any of it, I hope you get to see far better days!!