Venting i dont want to live today

[Vanillaicyys]

my boyfriend cheated on me in june of last year, it wasnt physical sex, just online sexting and flirting with more girls than you could ever possibly count, for about a month straight. Ive had phases of getting better and getting over it and then i always fall right back. Im still with him i love him dearly and i think he is getting sort of better handling things like a porn addiction which is what we think domino effected into him cheating. but i dont know this is one of those times i cant stop thinking about it and i cant stand to live. My 19 almost 20 years of existence has been such a waste, ive truly had a fucking god awful life, i was dealt awful cards in every aspect. i have no prospects or hope of a successful life atleast on my own anyway, the only sense of fulfillment i get is from loving somebody and being in a relationship, nothing else in life fills me with any sort of satisfaction, i have no hobbies, no friends, no desires or "dream job" ive got nothing to work towards or concentrate on to get me through living. ive never had anything to look forward to or fantasize about that isnt a person. Im not self-sufficient in any sense and that just makes me a burden theres no better way to put it. I cause my boyfriend so much pain and stress because i cant get over what he did 8 months ago. I have cripplingly low self esteem and a whole list of mental issues. it must be torture to spend even 10 minutes with me and i feel so guilty about it. I just cant find a reason to live today. i want to end it, but i cant figure out a plausible plan. Before this relationship i was with a guy from 14-18 who cheated and raped me on and off for the entirety of those 4 years but i stayed because i couldn't stand to have nothing at all, he was still something for me to think about and occupy me even when i didnt love him anymore towards the end. He broke up with me btw, and i only agreed to it because id attached myself to my current boyfriend who was just a friend at the time. I cant be alone because when i am the only thoughts that consume my head every second of the day is suicide, because there is literally nothing else to give my attention to. I have a very bland boring life. It isnt a life worth living.

 

[d3ad]

my boyfriend cheated on me in june of last year, it wasnt physical sex, just online sexting and flirting with more girls than you could ever possibly count, for about a month straight. Ive had phases of getting better and getting over it and then i always fall right back. Im still with him i love him dearly and i think he is getting sort of better handling things like a porn addiction which is what we think domino effected into him cheating. but i dont know this is one of those times i cant stop thinking about it and i cant stand to live. My 19 almost 20 years of existence has been such a waste, ive truly had a fucking god awful life, i was dealt awful cards in every aspect. i have no prospects or hope of a successful life atleast on my own anyway, the only sense of fulfillment i get is from loving somebody and being in a relationship, nothing else in life fills me with any sort of satisfaction, i have no hobbies, no friends, no desires or "dream job" ive got nothing to work towards or concentrate on to get me through living. ive never had anything to look forward to or fantasize about that isnt a person. Im not self-sufficient in any sense and that just makes me a burden theres no better way to put it. I cause my boyfriend so much pain and stress because i cant get over what he did 8 months ago. I have cripplingly low self esteem and a whole list of mental issues. it must be torture to spend even 10 minutes with me and i feel so guilty about it. I just cant find a reason to live today. i want to end it, but i cant figure out a plausible plan. Before this relationship i was with a guy from 14-18 who cheated and raped me on and off for the entirety of those 4 years but i stayed because i couldn't stand to have nothing at all, he was still something for me to think about and occupy me even when i didnt love him anymore towards the end. He broke up with me btw, and i only agreed to it because id attached myself to my current boyfriend who was just a friend at the time. I cant be alone because when i am the only thoughts that consume my head every second of the day is suicide, because there is literally nothing else to give my attention to. I have a very bland boring life. It isnt a life worth living.

This is really sad. It seems like you are going through a lot. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could take away your pain. How are you holding up now?

 

[Bagel Lover]

Hello,
I'm in a similar situation. It turns out my boyfriend was lying to me about his porn addiction for the past 2.5 years of our relationship. I thought I was enough by sending him nudes he wanted or giving him my body but it wasn't enough. He covered it all up and lied to me when I asked if he was still into it. I found out because I saw his recommended search on Insta was a bunch of models who looked nothing like me, and he lied saying it was only for a week. Then I found more proof on his gmail history that he never stopped looking 2 years ago. He kept lying until I found all the proof. He knows I'm suicidal and his behavior devastates me, but he kept going anyways.
While I was out working 2 jobs in college, he was gaming and looking at other women. I made him my entire personality because he said I wasn't showing enough affection in the beginning of our relationship, and I compromised so much for him, only for him to be lying to me for years. I compare myself to all his women he would look at everyday. It feels like it won't ever get better. I love him so much but it hurts immensely. It does not help I already have family problems and he was the number one person who I would go to for them. I did so much for nothing.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to PM me