Discussion I don't want to live, but I'm afraid to die.

[Pikmin]

We all have our reasons to be here, my life is horrible, if my life got better, I would never be able to get past the things that happened to me and ever be truly happy. Every single hour of every day is spent thinking that this could be my last day if I wanted it to be, but I'm just so afraid of everything that happens after. I'm planning on doing the exit bag method at a hotel in the bathroom, and leaving a note outside of the closed bathroom door. I don't want to traumatize the hotel staff, or the first responders. I don't want to ruin my mom's life by killing myself, but I don't know why I have to suffer every second of every day just to be alive so other people aren't sad. I just wish the decision could be made for me, or better yet that I never existed at all.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling trapped in this dreadful existence, I also really wish I never existed at all. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[theboy]

I am sorry to read that you are going through this. Unfortunately the family will suffer after you do CTB, just like your mother.

 

[thegoldengirls]

We all have our reasons to be here, my life is horrible, if my life got better, I would never be able to get past the things that happened to me and ever be truly happy. Every single hour of every day is spent thinking that this could be my last day if I wanted it to be, but I'm just so afraid of everything that happens after. I'm planning on doing the exit bag method at a hotel in the bathroom, and leaving a note outside of the closed bathroom door. I don't want to traumatize the hotel staff, or the first responders. I don't want to ruin my mom's life by killing myself, but I don't know why I have to suffer every second of every day just to be alive so other people aren't sad. I just wish the decision could be made for me, or better yet that I never existed at all.

Same here. I relate to your post so much. I have everything ready for the exit bag method but I'm so fearful of pulling the bag down, yet I'm so miserable everyday. That's how I know I have to do this. It's just little things that prevents me from doing this whenever I want to.
Example:
:knowing that the Saturday is here when I have to drop off food to my aunt so I can't possibly do it that day.
:A relative calling me. Now, as someone who's severely depressed, calling people back is such a dreaded chore because I know I have to mask. I know if I ctb, and I don't call the relative back, they may get concerned. And I want as much time as possible, so I can ctb before a welfare check can be done. So, today...my sibling called me, now I'm dreading placing that call because I'm so miserable, yet don't want to ctb until i do.....
This really sucks because it's little things that keeps me from ctb. I just wish for once I can put myself first for once in my life and just do this. And I think if we had someone to do it for us, it wouldn't be so damn hard.

 

[Lucid7972]

all this started from your parents wanted a child to complete their life...

 

[Pikmin]

all this started from your parents wanted a child to complete their life...

I could never have a kid knowing how hellish the world is. My parents were bad, and people always say that things will be different because I know where they went wrong, but I just can't ever be a normal, healthy person again. I am broken beyond repair.

I wouldn't even say that I want to die, I just want to be someone else, but not identity, mentally, physically, everything. I just can't go on being myself.

 

[sserafim]

all this started from your parents wanted a child to complete their life...

That's why procreation is selfish and immoral

 

[voidstar]

all this started from your parents wanted a child to complete their life...

Just another reason not to have kids. Wouldn't live long enough, anyway.
But with the current state of the world - no.

 

[Whiston72]

Last week at work a colleague slashed his wrists and bled out. We work in the Gulf region and so the idea of suicide is strange to the host workers. Why did he fly out from the UK to do it is mostly the response. Mainly most people are asking how could it do it knowing that he had two daughters. It is amazing how the act itself is denigrated and not seen for what it is:life's main answer to its futility.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

You're not alone. Pretty much the entire world is starting to rethink the purpose of life these days, indicated by the fact that birth rates are at an at all time low. I see society crumbling badly soon. No wonder that Zuckerberg is building an underground compond on an Island. This de-evolution just simply can't be sustained. There is literally no point in existing.