Venting I don't want to live but I don't want to die

[DoNotLet2]

Hello
This is a vent you read it at your own risk. You will see here things you won't like it and I don't really care.
Ehh I don't want to commit suicide. Simply. I could do it already. I think. But I haven't because I don't want to die.
And you know what?! Life does whatever it takes to make me commit suicide!
My "parents" are toxic they don't love me, this damage won't be fixed I will always have bad tendencies from this! Not sure how bad they are. Probably very bad.
I'm autistic but I don't have any sensory sensitivities. I'm simply dumb as hell when it comes to social things. LITERALLY NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT I'M SAYING. I'm sure no one will understand what I'm writing here... I will probably delete my thread soon after posting it. No one wants to be my friend literally no one. Everyone throws me away. Don't tell me I should try harder. I don't want to. I already tried fuckin too hard to have a friend. No one cares for me. I'm not a priority for anyone. I could die now and no one would mind. Even here I'm ghosted most of people I dmed don't bother to reply with anything. Even if they are active on the chat often. So even here I'm giving up. No point in trying. I understand that you're too depressed to talk to me but why did you make me think you would message me? I'm not blaming you it's your own choice to turn me down. I'm just saying I give up.
I don't have ANY talent or aptitude that would make me successful if I was working on it all my life. I won't become a professor in branch of science. I have no aptitudes at all! I'm super ultra dumb in any branch of anything except for math. I'm just bad at math not tragically bad and that's the only difference. And even if I was good at math it isn't a thing I like. I want to be good in human anatomy and dance but nah.
Yes I was bullied a lot not very hard but too much. Yes people knew I was abused at "home" and they did nothing about that.
AND FUCK THE LEFT YOU'RE WORSE THAN THE RIGHT. THE RIGHT DISCRIMINATES EVERYONE THEY DON'T SAY SOME AUTISTIC PEOPLE ARE BETTER THAN THE OTHERS. Yes I don't want to keep saying that the left is holy. Many of left people are good but the tendency (if you feel insulted when I'm not talking about you cause you don't do anything bad, read red sentence), is that the left people discriminate me because I'm trying to be my best despite my autism. Yes I don't rampage randomly on people. Yes I would almost always have good grades. No it doesn't mean I'm any less autistic. And the left people don't like that. I'm not the typical autistic person. I don't say all leftists are bad. I say I never met such a person.

FUCK PSYCHIATRISTS/PSYCHOLOGISTS/THERAPISTS WHO SPREAD MISINFORMATION ABOUT AUTISM AND TREAT AUTISM BADLY. Why are they doing it?! Why are they so sadistic? No, autistic people aren't all the same! We have feelings. They forced me so many times to make friends with someone I simply couldn't make friends with. And blamed me when I failed. "Forced to make friends" is insane enough it doesn't need any further explanation.

FUCK PEOPLE WHO SAY I'M USING MY AUTISM AS AN EXCUSE!! I'M DOING MY BEST TO BE A GOOD PERSON BUT IT'S NOT POSSIBLE WHEN NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! I can't complain even a little because they say I'm not taking responsibility for my life. THIS IS NOT A LIFE. I just don't want to be autistic. I just want to be cared for. I don't want to face discrimination every time I'm not isolated from people. I'M A FUCKIN EXTROVERT. Yes I'm autistic. No I'm not fine being left alone all the time but I have no choice and it's not because of the virus.

If you read it to the end... Thank you? You were warned at the beginning of the post not to read it.
Yes I could write it into my diary. But I want to be listened by people not by paper.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Yes I could write it into my diary. But I want to be listened by people not by paper.

Spoken like a true fellow extrovert! I process so much better through posting than journal entries. Even if no one responds, it's the having been heard. It's the external processing of an extrovert that needs more than it just being outside but to somehow connect.

I didn't see anything in your post I didn't like btw. Seems like maybe there's a history of people not liking what you say (or do). I had that with my abusive parents, you've had it with abusive psychiatrists. That's on them. Folks who want compliance to their control don't like hearing anything but "Yes," "Okay," and "You're right."

 

[SpottedPanda]

It sounds like you're very frustrated, and I envy your fire, and ability to put that into words.

I'm not autistic, but I'm painfully below average in life and appearance, with no future prospects, no friends worth mentioning, and no hobbies besides a staring contest with my computer screen. Only I'm such a dull fuse I can't bring myself to vent. I like your spirit

 

[DoNotLet2]

Spoken like a true fellow extrovert! I process so much better through posting than journal entries. Even if no one responds, it's the having been heard. It's the external processing of an extrovert that needs more than it just being outside but to somehow connect.

I didn't see anything in your post I didn't like btw. Seems like maybe there's a history of people not liking what you say (or do). I had that with my abusive parents, you've had it with abusive psychiatrists. That's on them. Folks who want compliance to their control don't like hearing anything but "Yes," "Okay," and "You're right."

Because when I say "these kind of left people is bad" all left people feel insulted even if they aren't the bad type.

It sounds like you're very frustrated, and I envy your fire, and ability to put that into words.

I'm not autistic, but I'm painfully below average in life and appearance, with no future prospects, no friends worth mentioning, and no hobbies besides a staring contest with my computer screen. Only I'm such a dull fuse I can't bring myself to vent. I like your spirit

Aww thanks you're very nice.

 

[GoBack]

What happened with dancing? I wanted to do that, all kinds but stuff got in the way

 

[DoNotLet2]

What happened with dancing? I wanted to do that, all kinds but stuff got in the way

I'm simply fat and my body is shit basically I knew I had forgotten to add something in my vent... My physical body isn't very disabled but it's weak as fuck I despise this body. So yeah I just couldn't learn it but why not you? If you're body isn't shit I guess you might be able to dance pretty well.

 

[GoBack]

I'm simply fat and my body is shit basically I knew I had forgotten to add something in my vent... My physical body isn't very disabled but it's weak as fuck I despise this body. So yeah I just couldn't learn it but why not you? If you're body isn't shit I guess you might be able to dance pretty well.

I was a good dancer, i loved it. But I got put on a med that made my muscles turn to jelly and my bones weak. I think I even lost my rhythm. Can you get stronger? Maybe you could still do it

 

[DoNotLet2]

I was a good dancer, i loved it. But I got put on a med that made my muscles turn to jelly and my bones weak. I think I even lost my rhythm. Can you get stronger? Maybe you could still do it

Oh poor you. Yeah someday I might be get better but it won't fix my problems unfortunately.

 

[GoBack]

Oh poor you. Yeah someday I might be get better but it won't fix my problems unfortunately.

No but it's a great outlet for anger and anything that's doing your head in. And if you can get stronger physically it helps to handle emotional and mental stuff

 

[DoNotLet2]

No but it's a great outlet for anger and anything that's doing your head in. And if you can get stronger physically it helps to handle emotional and mental stuff

Having literally no brain makes it even easier to handle those stuff :P Just joking.
Yeah I don't see any effects yet. Maybe I need to wait even longer.

 

[GoBack]

Wat you mean, dancing or getting stronger, both take time.

 

[DoNotLet2]

Wat you mean, dancing or getting stronger, both take time.

That's the problem now I'm getting stronger.

 

[GoBack]

That's the problem now I'm getting stronger.

Why is it a problem to get stronger

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

You know what, I 10000% agree with you. While I do not have autism, I can relate to everything else. Toxic parents, shitty mental health professionals, bullying, and nobody taking me seriously when I spoke up about abuse. Nobody cares about me either. So I am on board with you.

I wont try to convince you or throw any "keep living!" crap down your throat. For those of us who have tried and fought to just breathe every god damned day, it get very fucking annoying

And then you're right about the healing part. I have BPD thanks to good ol abusive mom who fucked up my whole childhood and nobody cared even when I said numerous times my mom was hurting me. I know that I have many toxic behaviors that'll take forever to heal and by the time I am "healed" I would have lost a huge chunk of my life. Is it worth it? For some, maybe. Maybe its worth it. For some it is not

Whatever you do, its your choice. And, tbh, I am not sure if I want to die. I tried drowning earlier in the bathtub but that didnt go well. You're not alone, and I feel your pain and relate

Also I skimmed through your posts so if I made a mistake in something I said do let me know.

 

[DoNotLet2]

@GoBack please stop asking so precise questions I don't like it.

@DeathIsTheWayOut99 I'm sad to see another person in similar situation... Yeah that's what I meant and what non suicidal people don't understand. I don't want to wait for several dozen of years. "What if your autism gets bearable and easy to manage when you're 70?" If I'm 70 I can't do much with the best brain. I read once a thread of a man who was getting cured out of depression for so long that he got 30+ and he realized he lost his life. Life isn't solely about getting better.

 

[GoBack]

@GoBack please stop asking so precise questions I don't like it.

@DeathIsTheWayOut99 I'm sad to see another person in similar situation... Yeah that's what I meant and what non suicidal people don't understand. I don't want to wait for several dozen of years. "What if your autism gets bearable and easy to manage when you're 70?" If I'm 70 I can't do much with the best brain. I read once a thread of a man who was getting cured out of depression for so long that he got 30+ and he realized he lost his life. Life isn't solely about getting better.

Yeah ok sorry

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

@GoBack please stop asking so precise questions I don't like it.

@DeathIsTheWayOut99 I'm sad to see another person in similar situation... Yeah that's what I meant and what non suicidal people don't understand. I don't want to wait for several dozen of years. "What if your autism gets bearable and easy to manage when you're 70?" If I'm 70 I can't do much with the best brain. I read once a thread of a man who was getting cured out of depression for so long that he got 30+ and he realized he lost his life. Life isn't solely about getting better.

That last part.....about how he realized he lost his life....that sums it all up. The thing about trauma, abuse, and mental health, is that it robs you of any life you had. You childhood? Gone. Teenagehood? Gone? Adult hood? Thats probably gonna be gone too

I cant take the abuse, dealing with hurting people and the being hut myself, all to get a taste of healing that I wont reach till im like 50. Half my life will be gone by then. I wont be able to tell people "yeah I had a great life and a great childhood!" no I didn't. its just not worth it

Some people, are able to make peace knowing they lost a lot of their life and still be happy. And for them thats fine, but for some its not. So again, I can relate to you. Even still, I dont know if I want to die because I know there are things I'd miss out on. But if I could have a better childhood elsewhere and forget this life, then I would take it

 

[AcornUnderground]

I could be way off, but you might relate to this song. Maybe you've heard it.

 

[DoNotLet2]

I could be way off, but you might relate to this song. Maybe you've heard it.

I think it's just a picture of a cat but I might be wrong.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I think it's just a picture of a cat but I might be wrong.

No it's a great song but even greater video if you play it. GMF by John Grant

 

[DoNotLet2]

No it's a great song but even greater video if you play it. GMF by John Grant

I mean when I click on it nothing happens so it's not really a video.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I mean when I click on it nothing happens so it's not really a video.

Odd, it works for me. Google it and watch the video if you want! Sorry.