Venting I don't want to hurt anyone..

[LostMyWay]

The hardest part of deciding whether or not to end my life, is that I don't want to hurt my family. I'm in a very difficult situation. Hello sanctionedsuicide community, my name is John, and I recently made an account here. This is my first post. Like some of you here, I've reached a point in my life where I've decided that I no longer want to live. Here's a short synopsis of my story. My parents always told me that I was always a shy kid growing up. Never liked other people holding me if I didn't know them, things like that. On top of that, throughout my childhood I was constantly bullied and harassed for being overweight and having tourrettes syndrome, which really made my life a living hell. Ever since the diagnosis I always felt cursed. Always wondering why I had to be the one who had tourrettes, despite the fact that I knew deep down that it was all chance like most things in life. I was always picked last at P.E. because despite the fact that I was pretty tall I was uncoordinated and awkward. Fastforward a couple years and I'm now a college drop out living at home with my parents. I dropped out because the depression and anxiety was so bothersome that I couldn't focus in class. I would always have this feeling that everyone else in the classroom is better looking than me, funnier, charasmatic, and that they were judging me for my flaws as soon as I entered the room. All the harassment from my child hood has left me an insecure mess and I never recovered from it. Life has left me battered and bruised, weak, unconfident, and scared. Life has lost all meaning and everything seems dull. I don't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, because all I can think about are the things people have said to me in my past that left many psychological scars. My family loves me a lot. They know that I'm depressed and have anxiety, and do their best to support me, but it's just not enough. My demons are stronger than me or the support of my loved ones. Sometimes I wish I was never born (as I'm sure many of you might have also). That way I wouldn't have to worry about hurting people, or fearing whether or not I'd be sent to hell when I die (I was raised a pentacostal christian), or fearing the idea of non existing (this one really bothers me). I'm not really sure what the point of this rant was. I'm feeling so overwhelmed tonight and I just really needed to vent. So if anyone ends up reading this, thank you for taking the time to read my pathetic rant.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm also here right now for my family. Becoming a recluse.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Sometimes we just need to vent. I can relate to a bunch of what you said.

 

[LostMyWay]

Sometimes we just need to vent. I can relate to a bunch of what you said.

Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it. At least I know there's someone out there who understands what I'm going through.

I'm also here right now for my family. Becoming a recluse.

Yeah, looking back I can't really be surprised I ended up this way. Home was always my safe space, especially because we weren't allowed to go out that much. My mom was pretty protective of me, the only sleep overs I would have were at my aunt's house with my sisters. She would always tell me that she never trusted the houses of my friends because she didn't know their parents well and feared the worst (molestation, rape, etc). I remember as a kid I was so terrified of oral presentations that I would tell my mom that I wanted to skip school specifically for that reason, and she actually allowed me to do so because she understood how I felt. But looking back I feel that wasn't the right decision. I needed to face my fears before I matured into an adult and entered the real world where no one really cares that much about your problems. I don't think she meant any harm, she was just trying to make me feel comfortable. Now I get anxious thinking about leaving my house to order at a fast food restaurant. I've been to therapy and I'm familiar with exposure therapy, but no matter how long I step out of my comfort zone and test the waters, I fail to see any improvement in my situation.

 

[Lilanel]

I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened to you. It's hard to continue living knowing that you feel incompatible with life. I hope you find the understanding and empathy you're looking for here!

Losing a loved one is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, bar none. I lost my grandmother almost 13 years ago, longer than I really knew her. It still hurts and makes me break down sometimes. Inflicting that kind of pain on my loved ones...I wish it didn't have to happen. Often I wish I could die of some sort of natural cause, like an accident, where at least there wouldn't be pain of suicide...Or maybe I could just blink out of existence, like I was never there.

It's a dilemma I think a lot of us here face. It's up to the individual how they deal with it. I've personally decided to put off suicide until I have tried, sincerely, all the ways I can think to get over my depression. Impossible? Maybe, but at least I'll feel I've tried to stay with them for as long as I could stand. It'll be up to you to decide when, if ever, you'll be okay with your death and the pain it will cause in its wake.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened to you. It's hard to continue living knowing that you feel incompatible with life. I hope you find the understanding and empathy you're looking for here!

Losing a loved one is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, bar none. I lost my grandmother almost 13 years ago, longer than I really knew her. It still hurts and makes me break down sometimes. Inflicting that kind of pain on my loved ones...I wish it didn't have to happen. Often I wish I could die of some sort of natural cause, like an accident, where at least there wouldn't be pain of suicide...Or maybe I could just blink out of existence, like I was never there.

It's a dilemma I think a lot of us here face. It's up to the individual how they deal with it. I've personally decided to put off suicide until I have tried, sincerely, all the ways I can think to get over my depression. Impossible? Maybe, but at least I'll feel I've tried to stay with them for as long as I could stand. It'll be up to you to decide when, if ever, you'll be okay with your death and the pain it will cause in its wake.

I'm writing a daily blog on my suffering and the treatments I have tried, so I can go with evidence I've tried.

 

[LostMyWay]

I'm really sorry to hear about what's happened to you. It's hard to continue living knowing that you feel incompatible with life. I hope you find the understanding and empathy you're looking for here!

Losing a loved one is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, bar none. I lost my grandmother almost 13 years ago, longer than I really knew her. It still hurts and makes me break down sometimes. Inflicting that kind of pain on my loved ones...I wish it didn't have to happen. Often I wish I could die of some sort of natural cause, like an accident, where at least there wouldn't be pain of suicide...Or maybe I could just blink out of existence, like I was never there.

It's a dilemma I think a lot of us here face. It's up to the individual how they deal with it. I've personally decided to put off suicide until I have tried, sincerely, all the ways I can think to get over my depression. Impossible? Maybe, but at least I'll feel I've tried to stay with them for as long as I could stand. It'll be up to you to decide when, if ever, you'll be okay with your death and the pain it will cause in its wake.

Deep down I know that I'll mostlikely end up living the rest of my life in despair if things don't improve, mainly because I can't muster up the courage to end my life. I don't have access to a gun, and even if I did I doubt I'd be able to put it to my head a pull the trigger. Hanging from what I heard isn't as easy as it seems, and if I took an elevator up to the top of a high building I just don't think I would be able to do it. If I could find my way back in life (hence my username "lost my way", it would be a dream come true.

 

[woxihuanni]

I cannot hurt anyone if i wanted to. Soon as i dont toe the line i stop existing for people. Ss having exceptions.

 

[Lilanel]

Deep down I know that I'll mostlikely end up living the rest of my life in despair if things don't improve, mainly because I can't muster up the courage to end my life. I don't have access to a gun, and even if I did I doubt I'd be able to put it to my head a pull the trigger. Hanging from what I heard isn't as easy as it seems, and if I took an elevator up to the top of a high building I just don't think I would be able to do it. If I could find my way back in life (hence my username "lost my way", it would be a dream come true.

Survival instinct is ridiculously strong. I love how my brain keeps me alive, but is a total failure in all other ways. You ever see that comic with the dog holding a ball, where the dog's like, "NO TAKE! ONLY THROW." That's my brain..."NO REASON TO LIVE! ONLY LIVE."

I honestly think that CTB should be a last resort sort of option. Not because I'm anti-suicide, but because, as far as we know, it is irreversible...It is the last choice you'll ever make. If you think there is anything in this world that could make you happy and help you find your way, you should try for it. In my view, suicide is always an option if it doesn't work.

 

[LostMyWay]

Survival instinct is ridiculously strong. I love how my brain keeps me alive, but is a total failure in all other ways. You ever see that comic with the dog holding a ball, where the dog's like, "NO TAKE! ONLY THROW." That's my brain..."NO REASON TO LIVE! ONLY LIVE."

I honestly think that CTB should be a last resort sort of option. Not because I'm anti-suicide, but because, as far as we know, it is irreversible...It is the last choice you'll ever make. If you think there is anything in this world that could make you happy and help you find your way, you should try for it. In my view, suicide is always an option if it doesn't work.

I know the comic you're talking about, it always makes me laugh. I'm actually planning on going back to college to finish my degree in January. It's not going to be easy since I've been out of school for a while, or anywhere other than the places I'm comfortable at for that matter, and I know I'm going to be very anxious, but I would like to finally move out, get my own place, and try to piece my life back together. I can't help but think that my parents have to be dissapointed. If I had a son that ended up in my situation, I couldn't help but think "Where did I go wrong?".

 

[BlueWidow]

The hardest part of deciding whether or not to end my life, is that I don't want to hurt my family. I'm in a very difficult situation. Hello sanctionedsuicide community, my name is John, and I recently made an account here. This is my first post. Like some of you here, I've reached a point in my life where I've decided that I no longer want to live. Here's a short synopsis of my story. My parents always told me that I was always a shy kid growing up. Never liked other people holding me if I didn't know them, things like that. On top of that, throughout my childhood I was constantly bullied and harassed for being overweight and having tourrettes syndrome, which really made my life a living hell. Ever since the diagnosis I always felt cursed. Always wondering why I had to be the one who had tourrettes, despite the fact that I knew deep down that it was all chance like most things in life. I was always picked last at P.E. because despite the fact that I was pretty tall I was uncoordinated and awkward. Fastforward a couple years and I'm now a college drop out living at home with my parents. I dropped out because the depression and anxiety was so bothersome that I couldn't focus in class. I would always have this feeling that everyone else in the classroom is better looking than me, funnier, charasmatic, and that they were judging me for my flaws as soon as I entered the room. All the harassment from my child hood has left me an insecure mess and I never recovered from it. Life has left me battered and bruised, weak, unconfident, and scared. Life has lost all meaning and everything seems dull. I don't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, because all I can think about are the things people have said to me in my past that left many psychological scars. My family loves me a lot. They know that I'm depressed and have anxiety, and do their best to support me, but it's just not enough. My demons are stronger than me or the support of my loved ones. Sometimes I wish I was never born (as I'm sure many of you might have also). That way I wouldn't have to worry about hurting people, or fearing whether or not I'd be sent to hell when I die (I was raised a pentacostal christian), or fearing the idea of non existing (this one really bothers me). I'm not really sure what the point of this rant was. I'm feeling so overwhelmed tonight and I just really needed to vent. So if anyone ends up reading this, thank you for taking the time to read my pathetic rant.

I'm so sorry for all the pain that you're in. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I was very painfully shy when I was younger also and I didn't fit in very well at school either. And I was also usually picked last in P.E. class because I had severe vision problems and no matter what sport we were playing there was some aspect of it that I couldn't do well because of that.
I was also either ignored or bullied by the other kids. I absolutely hated school, even though I did very well academically.
I also left college early due to severe burn out and mental issues brought on by my father passing away right at the beginning of my third year of college.
Although I myself was not a Penecostal, a lot of the people I went to school with were. I also very briefly attended a Pentecostal school while I was a ward of the state, so I think I know a little something about the teachings. I'm probably not an expert though.
I've been here for a little over a month now and I can tell you that this is a very compassionate and empathetic community of people. This is also a pro choice community, not a pro suicide community. People here will encourage you if what you're looking for is ways to get help. However, if you do choose to ctb (catch the bus = end your life), no one here will judge you for that.
We all have our own stories and reasons for feeling the way we do and making the choices we make. And everyone here has gone on at least one or two rants, I would assume. I've certainly gone on several since I came on here. It's very freeing to be able to express myself without worrying that other people are going to judge me. Welcome to the community. I hope you find what you're looking for here.

 

[LostMyWay]

I'm so sorry for all the pain that you're in. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I was very painfully shy when I was younger also and I didn't fit in very well at school either. And I was also usually picked last in P.E. class because I had severe vision problems and no matter what sport we were playing there was some aspect of it that I couldn't do well because of that.
I was also either ignored or bullied by the other kids. I absolutely hated school, even though I did very well academically.
I also left college early due to severe burn out and mental issues brought on by my father passing away right at the beginning of my third year of college.
Although I myself was not a Penecostal, a lot of the people I went to school with were. I also very briefly attended a Pentecostal school while I was a ward of the state, so I think I know a little something about the teachings. I'm probably not an expert though.
I've been here for a little over a month now and I can tell you that this is a very compassionate and empathetic community of people. This is also a pro choice community, not a pro suicide community. People here will encourage you if what you're looking for is ways to get help. However, if you do choose to ctb (catch the bus = end your life), no one here will judge you for that.
We all have our own stories and reasons for feeling the way we do and making the choices we make. And everyone here has gone on at least one or two rants, I would assume. I've certainly gone on several since I came on here. It's very freeing to be able to express myself without worrying that other people are going to judge me. Welcome to the community. I hope you find what you're looking for here.

Thank you, and I'm sorry about your dad. I can't imagine how that must hurt, and I hope you are okay. If I were to lose one of my parents right now it would be the psychogical equivalent to pouring lemon juice on a fresh open wound. My mom actually was diagnosed with cancer but made a pretty successful recovery. My worst fear is that it'll return and this time it might be fatal. We can only hope for the best though..

 

[Lilanel]

I know the comic you're talking about, it always makes me laugh. I'm actually planning on going back to college to finish my degree in January. It's not going to be easy since I've been out of school for a while, or anywhere other than the places I'm comfortable at for that matter, and I know I'm going to be very anxious, but I would like to finally move out, get my own place, and try to piece my life back together. I can't help but think that my parents have to be dissapointed. If I had a son that ended up in my situation, I couldn't help but think "Where did I go wrong?".

That seems like a great idea. I did get a sense, from your post, that you were sad that you never completed your degree. You're right, it won't be easy. However, there are some advantages. I'm betting that you are serious about this, and care about it—that's more than you can say about a lot of college students! You also know what you're dealing with, what gave you anxiety the first time, so you are better equipped to handle the issues that result.

It's all step by step. You have plenty of time to figure it out. You always have the option to CTB if you find that what you're doing is not working. Until then, go for what you dream about. If there's nothing left that makes you excited, makes you hopeful, that's more information that informs your choice.

I can't say how your parents feel, if they're disappointed. I've wondered the same about my parents, it's definitely painful to think about. All I know is that life doesn't go in a straight line for some people, and if your parents have lived a while in this world and have empathy, they'll understand that.

 

[LostMyWay]

That seems like a great idea. I did get a sense, from your post, that you were sad that you never completed your degree. You're right, it won't be easy. However, there are some advantages. I'm betting that you are serious about this, and care about it—that's more than you can say about a lot of college students! You also know what you're dealing with, what gave you anxiety the first time, so you are better equipped to handle the issues that result.

It's all step by step. You have plenty of time to figure it out. You always have the option to CTB if you find that what you're doing is not working. Until then, go for what you dream about. If there's nothing left that makes you excited, makes you hopeful, that's more information that informs your choice.

I can't say how your parents feel, if they're disappointed. I've wondered the same about my parents, it's definitely painful to think about. All I know is that life doesn't go in a straight line for some people, and if your parents have lived a while in this world and have empathy, they'll understand that.

Thank you for your replies, and everyone else in the thread as well. I can tell that this is a kind hearted and caring community and I'm looking forward to spending time here as we all try to help each other.