Venting I don’t want to forget

[hallowed_]

I don't understand what's going on with me anymore. I'm an ex honor student who grew up as a rich kid prodigy, but I've always struggled to keep up with others socially and I would spend most of my time studying or just in my head. When the only thing that kept peoples eyes on me (my grades) disappeared I started spiraling down a depression that I just can't seem to escape from. I renember even at early ages of 10 thinking that I didn't have a purpose anymore and that I was gonna die. Many years later I feel like my thoughs are eating me alive, I can't do anything I've lost it all and all that's left are these stupid fantasies that continue eating me away and I can't anymore. I've lost the last person that I could hold onto for dear life and now I'm just sad guy that no one cares about anymore. I can't remember I can't I've grown to become the hollow shell of a useless man who became a failure to everyone around him. I've come to learn that no one cares. No one cares unless you prove to be beneficial to them. I would walk out of my fucking room filled to the brim with cuts and tears and no one bats an eye. My thoughts are driving me insane. I renmber thinking as a child that eveyrhting was going to be okay as long as I had my silly video games and fantasies of a happier future but even those don't make me happy anymore. I don't have anything. I failed my father. I failed myself. At the end of the day I'm just waiting to die. Even if I don't do it myself one of my illnesses will soon do it for me anyways or I'll prob end up overdosing on pills in a breakdown or smth. I really don't care now ,no one remembers and I much less. I'm just waiting for it to end soon before my thoughs overtake me.

 

[Methuselah Fallen]

Deeply felt, friend. Sometimes the memories that remain are our only connection to the last time we were happy, and simply remembering them breathes into an ember of that joy that we retain. The memories are that last thread, and we can only watch it fray.

 

[kitch]

What don't you want to forget ?

It seems like you are lost in a solitary detached circular thinking self condemning state.
Can you get some help to see a therapist to start to tackle this a bit ?

 

[(wfsth?)]

Reading what you wrote, I feel a sort of similarity between us. I grew up a "gifted" kid as well, and when that went away, I struggled to maintain self worth. I have scars to prove it. It's a struggle I still have. What helps me, however, is actually nihilism. If nothing has value, then why should I care if I feel less valuable? Since this epiphany of sorts, I've kind of just drifted through life, taking things as they come. I know that everything is going to be okay because in the end, every outcome is just that: okay. Life is a series of choices leading to various outcomes, but there is no "better" outcomes; just different ones. Even going down to the question of life or death, either choice is valid and acceptable, in my opinion. I think there's also something to be said for just sitting back and watching life go by; it's almost relaxing, watching other people interact and go through the motion. While doing this, I often think of random things, not really taking too much seriously. I might also just explore the internet to see what random, bizarre, beautiful things I can find out there(Jack Stauber being a personal favorite but I won't get into that). Sometimes not caring about anything much can be freeing.
This is just from personal experience, but I hope it can be helpful to you in some way, as I really do think we are quite similar. I imagine you might be a fellow INTP-T, or something not far off. Anyways, take it easy and remember: everything works out in the end.
(P.S: I like your Omori profile picture)

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's true that humans don't really care, in general humans are just so self centred so it's for the best not to rely on other people. But anyway it does sound really tiring what you are going through, it's just so awful how existing here can very easily get worse but I wish you the best, if you plan to ctb then overdosing on pills isn't really recommended, sadly suicide isn't as easy as that, if people could ctb in such a way then this site would never need to exist.

 

[hallowed_]

I think it's true that humans don't really care, in general humans are just so self centred so it's for the best not to rely on other people. But anyway it does sound really tiring what you are going through, it's just so awful how existing here can very easily get worse but I wish you the best, if you plan to ctb then overdosing on pills isn't really recommended, sadly suicide isn't as easy as that, if people could ctb in such a way then this site would never need to exist.

I'm not planning to ctb due to overdose, I mentioned it cause it's an ongoing issue with me. I alredy have a ctb method that will most likely do thte job and a backup if I somehow back out. All that is if my doctors appointment doesn't end me having cancers or smth shit lols .

 

[hellispink]

Its an empty world. We are born just to get lost.