I don't want to die

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't want to die.

I can relate to this. And being trapped in a situation that won't let us see another escape but to CTB is so horrible.
I really hope you can find a way out of this.

 

[Deer_Dairy]

UTI *is* treatable. If some doctor didn't help you, try another. This is not the reason why you should die! You have will to live, "only" experiencing physicall pain. Tell your doctor it is unbearable. Ask for painkillers first and for better treatment of your problem.
It.Is.Treatable! Ahh... I wish you the best of luck ♥

 

[onlyforever1]

from when are you in pain?
(how long?) this uti?

I have had bladder pain since 2020 but I've been in non-stop pain since the end of July last year.

That's a tough one. If you feel telling them about the SN is the best thing of course you should do so but that will probably mean you'll lose it. The alternative is telling them you think of suicide in general (which is a very common thought and clearly you are in much pain and despair) but without mentioning the specifics so you're not alone with it although that might bring further scrutiny.

If a medical procedure recommended by a doctor landed you in this position it most certainly isn't your fault: you acted in good faith and upon the advice of a medical professional. From what I understand there are risks attached to pretty much every medical procedure so there's always a chance it could go wrong. Sometimes very wrong. I don't know what happened exactly but clearly things didn't turn out well for you.

Sadly I can only express my sympathy and sincere hope you'll find a way to alleviate your suffering.

Oh they know I want to die. I can't stop myself from talking about it all the time. That's why I'm living with my mom. They were worried to leave me at my home by myself. I don't want to die.

 

[onlyforever1]

I check the tracking on my SN every day. I'm going to try to do everything I can between now and the end of March to get better and if there's no improvement I will CTB. I really don't want to. I just want to get better. I keep bargaining with God even though I don't really believe, I promise I'll never be depressed again if I just get better this time.

UTI *is* treatable. If some doctor didn't help you, try another. This is not the reason why you should die! You have will to live, "only" experiencing physicall pain. Tell your doctor it is unbearable. Ask for painkillers first and for better treatment of your problem.
It.Is.Treatable! Ahh... I wish you the best of luck ♥

I don't even know that it's a UTI anymore. I've been on antibiotics since October. I have begged for painkillers but the things they give for UTI don't do anything. I need narcotics but I'm never going to get them. I'm just in pain and I will be forever.

 

[onlyforever1]

I accidently bought the wrong SN, I'm trying to decide if this is a sign. I really don't want to but the pain is so bad I don't know how to keep going. Everyone says it will get better but it hasn't gotten better and I just want my life back. I was so stupid to want to die before.

 

[onlyforever1]

Pain bad today. Wish I didn't have to die. So many things I still want to do.

 

[youpi]

Get a nice opiate addiction before dying

You will get your SN for sure, thats no sign.

 

[onlyforever1]

Get a nice opiate addiction before dying

You will get your SN for sure, thats no sign.

I know. It's the wrong thing but I'm going to go back and buy the correct thing. I just really don't want to die.

 

[2muchpain2]

just going to put all my thoughts in here. felt okay today but learned another test has come back negative and I think my doctor is going to cut off my antibiotics next month. I just wish I could have my old life back, it seems so stupid that I spent so much time wanting to die when now I would give anything to just be depressed about being trans or whatever. I can see my field of vision narrowing in front of me. I don't think I'm going to have any choice but to CTB. I really don't want to leave my mom though. I pray every night that god will help me and make me back to the way I was before the procedure n

you don't have to tell us, but i wonder if the procedure you regret is gender affirming surgery?
sounds like your doctor is not following thru with the pain and making sure you heal, which sucks and I'm sorry.
I am also chronically sick and want to ctb because of that and other reasons too, but that was the tipping point. I know being in physical pain is too much to bear.

 

[onlyforever1]

you don't have to tell us, but i wonder if the procedure you regret is gender affirming surgery?
sounds like your doctor is not following thru with the pain and making sure you heal, which sucks and I'm sorry.
I am also chronically sick and want to ctb because of that and other reasons too, but that was the tipping point. I know being in physical pain is too much to bear.

no it is not

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

That sounds like a really horrible situation, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I deeply hope you're able to find a non-ctb way out, and I urge you to explore as many options as you can.
From what you've mentioned, that doctor's behaviour has been utterly deplorable; I hope you're able to get some 2nd opinions, accountability, and further medical support with pain and healing.

Do you have the option of getting help from a case manager, or someone else, so you don't have to manage your pain and navigate everything by yourself?

 

[onlyforever1]

That sounds like a really horrible situation, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I deeply hope you're able to find a non-ctb way out, and I urge you to explore as many options as you can.
From what you've mentioned, that doctor's behaviour has been utterly deplorable; I hope you're able to get some 2nd opinions, accountability, and further medical support with pain and healing.

Do you have the option of getting help from a case manager, or someone else, so you don't have to manage your pain and navigate everything by yourself?

Lol I live in a red state in the US we don't have shit like that. I'm doing as much as I can myself though but it will be months before I can get a second opinion. My physical therapist thinks I will improve but it feels like everyone is just saying that because I tell them this is making me suicidal. The doctor who did the procedure just keeps telling me it's not possible this could have caused things to get so much worse.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Lol I live in a red state in the US we don't have shit like that. I'm doing as much as I can myself though but it will be months before I can get a second opinion. My physical therapist thinks I will improve but it feels like everyone is just saying that because I tell them this is making me suicidal. The doctor who did the procedure just keeps telling me it's not possible this could have caused things to get so much worse.

Shoot, that makes everything that much harder, but if you can, I'd recommend looking around if you haven't yet. Did you get the doctor claiming it's not possible in writing?

Normally, I try not to make a stink about things (so to speak) that personally involve me, but there's a chance that it might help you in this situation, as you've been failed by trying to do things in an orderly manner. Do you think complaining, contacting your representatives, or anything similar might get someone to help you?