I don't want to die

[onlyforever1]

I bought SN yesterday. I don't want to die. I will miss my mom and my friends and my dad. Dying sounds so lonely. I'm so scared of dying. There are so many things I still wanted to do. I'm so sad it had to turn out like this. I don't want to die but I'm in so much pain and I can't live like this. I don't want to die. I want to see how things turn out. I want to transition and live and see my friend's baby and see so many things. I don't want to die.

 

[shun75x]

Why you want to kill yourself? Let's talk

 

[onlyforever1]

Why you want to kill yourself? Let's talk

I'm in horrible pain every day. I have a UTI or some bladder pain that will never go away.

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

i can't tell you what to do, but if u r having thoughts like this, then ctb may not be the best option for u. i hope u find peace and happiness during whatever path u take

 

[onlyforever1]

i can't tell you what to do, but if u r having thoughts like this, then ctb may not be the best option for u. i hope u find peace and happiness during whatever path u take

I can't live with the pain. All I want is for the pain to go away. I don't want to die but I have no other option.

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

I can't live with the pain. All I want is for the pain to go away. I don't want to die but I have no other option.

i saw u said u have a uti. uti's are often treatable. r u unable to get access to medical care?

 

[onlyforever1]

i saw u said u have a uti. uti's are often treatable. r u unable to get access to medical care?

"""often""" I had a procedure done in July that was supposed to help but I've been in hell ever since. I've been on antibiotics since October. Nothing helps. I don't want to die.

 

[callmeskin]

I can't live with the pain. All I want is for the pain to go away. I don't want to die but I have no other option.

if you genuinely don't want to die as you are explaining here, i'd try to consider some other options. It seems you really care about the people around you and thoughts of doubt are real. I hope you really think about this decision and try considering another way.

 

[onlyforever1]

if you genuinely don't want to die as you are explaining here, i'd try to consider some other options. It seems you really care about the people around you and thoughts of doubt are real. I hope you really think about this decision and try considering another way.

I am trying I've been trying so hard but I'm in so much pain. My mom will CTB after I do and that's horrible to think about.

 

[CatLvr]

I think maybe you need to take a deep breath and give yourself a minute. There are OBVIOUSLY things here that you still want to do. I understand the pain and the hurting and being at the end of your rope with that. It can absolutely feel hopeless when you know that, for whatever reason, you are never gonna be pain-free. I do all kinds of things to try and keep my pain levels manageable -- as I am sure you do, so I won't insult you by asking if you have tried everything.

Just know that you are not alone and no matter what you decide -- to go now, to go later, not not go at all -- is completely up to you. I wish there was something I could do besides offer you a shoulder to lean on.

 

[callmeskin]

I am trying I've been trying so hard but I'm in so much pain. My mom will CTB after I do and that's horrible to think about.

I genuinely hope you'll figure this out, again i hope you think about this.

 

[onlyforever1]

I think maybe you need to take a deep breath and give yourself a minute. There are OBVIOUSLY things here that you still want to do. I understand the pain and the hurting and being at the end of your rope with that. It can absolutely feel hopeless when you know that, for whatever reason, you are never gonna be pain-free. I do all kinds of things to try and keep my pain levels manageable -- as I am sure you do, so I won't insult you by asking if you have tried everything.

Just know that you are not alone and no matter what you decide -- to go now, to go later, not not go at all -- is completely up to you. I wish there was something I could do besides offer you a shoulder to lean on.

I am trying but nothing works, I can't live with this pain, I just want to go back to before the procedure so bad. I would do anything. I know I can never take it back but I signed my death warrant on that day in July. I just didn't know. I didn't know or I wouldn't have done it.

 

[CatLvr]

I am trying but nothing works, I can't live with this pain, I just want to go back to before the procedure so bad. I would do anything. I know I can never take it back but I signed my death warrant on that day in July. I just didn't know. I didn't know or I wouldn't have done it.

Yep. I also had a procedure that was supposed to make my life better, and had the opposite effect. My heart breaks for you. And no one can tell you when enough is enough. Only you can decide that, as I am sure you are aware.

Can I ask you, do you have times that are a little bit better?? Have you tried seeing a pain management doctor? I mean you don't have to tell me any of this, obviously. I am just kinda grasping at straws trying to figure out something that might help. I cannot imagine how horrible this is for you. And, yes, I do completely support your ability to choose to leave all this behind, but damn ... I hate that it has come to this and it is what you feel is your only choice when you clearly are not at peace.

 

[onlyforever1]

Yep. I also had a procedure that was supposed to make my life better, and had the opposite effect. My heart breaks for you. And no one can tell you when enough is enough. Only you can decide that, as I am sure you are aware.

Can I ask you, do you have times that are a little bit better?? Have you tried seeing a pain management doctor? I mean you don't have to tell me any of this, obviously. I am just kinda grasping at straws trying to figure out something that might help. I cannot imagine how horrible this is for you. And, yes, I do completely support your ability to choose to leave all this behind, but damn ... I hate that it has come to this and it is what you feel is your only choice when you clearly are not at peace.

I do occasionally have times that are better but I spend them in fear of the pain coming back. I just wish I could take back that procedure. I am on the wait-list for pain management.

I just don't see any other option at this point but I so, so don't want to die. I just want to get better.

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

"""often""" I had a procedure done in July that was supposed to help but I've been in hell ever since. I've been on antibiotics since October. Nothing helps. I don't want to die.

i see. i've read ur other posts and i am so terribly sorry that this has happened to u and that ur dealing with this pain. i truly hope u can figure something out other than ctb, as u seem like u have many things you'd like to stay for, and that u somehow find another solution to deal with the pain. much love

 

[CatLvr]

I do occasionally have times that are better but I spend them in fear of the pain coming back. I just wish I could take back that procedure. I am on the wait-list for pain management.

I just don't see any other option at this point but I so, so don't want to die. I just want to get better.

Oh man ... I know JUST how you feel. It is easy for me to sit here and say to wait until you can get into pain management but I also understand how daunting that can be in the meantime.

Since I don't know what you have tried and what you have not, I'm just gonna toss some stuff out there, okay?? Please, please, please, do not think I am trying to minimize or lessen what you are dealing with -- I'm just trying to help.

This may sound odd (because it is a bit bizarre) but I have actually taught myself to go to sleep when my pain levels are unbearable. I take everything I can medication wise -- yeah, I have abused Excedrin Migraine more than once but I understand that is really bad for your kidneys , use ice packs (you might try laying on one across your lower back and then laying one across your abdomen), then turn up the loudest music (I have a hard rock mix on YT that is my fav) I can and just try to sink into the music. It sounds wild, and I guess it is but it has saved me more than a few times.

 

[onlyforever1]

Oh man ... I know JUST how you feel. It is easy for me to sit here and say to wait until you can get into pain management but I also understand how daunting that can be in the meantime.

Since I don't know what you have tried and what you have not, I'm just gonna toss some stuff out there, okay?? Please, please, please, do not think I am trying to minimize or lessen what you are dealing with -- I'm just trying to help.

This may sound odd (because it is a bit bizarre) but I have actually taught myself to go to sleep when my pain levels are unbearable. I take everything I can medication wise -- yeah, I have abused Excedrin Migraine more than once but I understand that is really bad for your kidneys , use ice packs (you might try laying on one across your lower back and then laying one across your abdomen), then turn up the loudest music (I have a hard rock mix on YT that is my fav) I can and just try to sink into the music. It sounds wild, and I guess it is but it has saved me more than a few times.

I don't think pain management will give me anything anyway, it's not traditional pain I just have to pee so bad it hurts all the time.

Thank you for trying to help. I have tried almost everything. I do really want to try to stick it out just a little bit longer. I'm causing my mom so much pain because I talk about suicide all the time. She said when she opened my door this morning she was afraid I would be dead.

Oh man ... I know JUST how you feel. It is easy for me to sit here and say to wait until you can get into pain management but I also understand how daunting that can be in the meantime.

Since I don't know what you have tried and what you have not, I'm just gonna toss some stuff out there, okay?? Please, please, please, do not think I am trying to minimize or lessen what you are dealing with -- I'm just trying to help.

This may sound odd (because it is a bit bizarre) but I have actually taught myself to go to sleep when my pain levels are unbearable. I take everything I can medication wise -- yeah, I have abused Excedrin Migraine more than once but I understand that is really bad for your kidneys , use ice packs (you might try laying on one across your lower back and then laying one across your abdomen), then turn up the loudest music (I have a hard rock mix on YT that is my fav) I can and just try to sink into the music. It sounds wild, and I guess it is but it has saved me more than a few times.

Can I DM you? It would be nice to have someone to talk about this with.

 

[Blackthorne]

I'm sorry you're in such pain. Since you don't want to die (which is completely understandable and pretty much the position of 99,999...% of the planet) you really should try to explore all other options. Go talk to people who might be able to help. Talk here if it helps.

I really hope you'll find a solution other than death so you can continue to enjoy your friends and family and vice versa.

 

[onlyforever1]

I'm having such a hard time not telling my mom or my friends about the SN. I cried for hours today and my mom was crying and screaming with me. I can't believe one mistake put me here, I can't stop thinking about the life I could have had if I made some other choice and didn't do that procedure.

 

[existentiallinguine]

I hope you find the strength to tell those you love, seems like that's really what you want to do. I can not imagine the pain you're in every day. I have a disability with my leg and casual ableism and ignoring my accommodations in college was leading to incredibly similar thoughts at one point in my life. I'm still suicidal still for other reasons, but I hope it helps you to know that I'm not in as much physical pain as I once was, and I was able to lessen it with medical intervention. I really hope its the same for you in the future and I'm incredibly happy to hear people are supporting you instead of making you go through this yourself. You are so loved! I hope you call your mother and she takes great care of you. <3

 

[Malfunction]

I'm sorry, it sounds horrible. Was there anything more as part of a plan, or was the procedure the final answer?

Can you use heat or cold? I've got hernias above and below my belly and my groin. At night, I use a heating pad and set the timer for a couple hours so I can sleep. If its really annoying, I put an ice pack on it for 20mins first to numb the areas.

I wish you all the luck my friend.

 

[goinghome11:11]

Hi, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and feeling as if you have no other options. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not a doctor, but I was a student studying Acupuncture and Chinese medicine until my depression got bad again and I took a break from school.

I know you said that you had a bladder procedure, and I'm not sure if your doctor has discussed this with you or diagnosed you post surgery, but from what you are describing (of course I don't know for sure), you may be dealing with interstitial cystitis now, which is inflammation of the bladder that causes urgency and bladder pain. It can happen sometimes after bladder surgeries.

If this is what you have now, there is no cure for it, but fortunately it can definitely be managed, both with traditional medicine and alternative medicine. Acupuncture is one thing that can help with this if you would try the alternative route, we treated this kind of pain in my school's clinic often, but if something like that isn't an option for you, or even if its just not something you want to do, you can help to try to bring down the pain a bit (until you get other treatment) by drinking more water to dilute your urine so it isn't irritating your bladder as much.

I know you probably try to avoid a lot of water so you don't have to pee as much because it probably hurts when you have to go, but if you fill up a large container of water and take small sips throughout the day, it won't hurt as bad because you won't get a large rush of water into your bladder at once, it will be more like a small trickle into your bladder. You want to try to drink enough to make your urine lighter in color so it's not as concentrated, aiming for the color to be very light yellow or almost clear. When it's concentrated (dark yellow) it's more irritating to your bladder, which causes more pain.

Again, I don't know if this is what is happening with you right now, but I wanted to throw this out there and try to give some options since I know you are really struggling. I feel so bad that you are going through this.

 

[woofwag]

If you don't want to die, try anything and everything you can before you make the choice to ctb to end it all. Talk to multiple doctors about your options. Get second, third, fourth opinions on everything. Ask for recommendations. Idk what procedure you've had, but talk to other people who've had it and ask what happened to them. Talk to the surgeon who did this and explain the immense pain it has caused you and if they can't help, ask for recommendations or report them to the board of medicine (I think that's where you report them) because that is unacceptable. Try pain reduction therapy in the meantime; weed, ketamine, holistic treatments, whatever you can find. Just talking to a lot of people about your issues can provide more options than you think. There are plenty of incredibly painful incurable illnesses that people have learned how to manage and live with. I promise there are plenty of options before death. You clearly do not want to die, so don't until you have done all you can. Hold out and fight through that pain because imagine how worth it it will be when the day comes that it is bearable and you can do the things you've wanted to do. Wish you the best <3

 

[onlyforever1]

Hi, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and feeling as if you have no other options. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not a doctor, but I was a student studying Acupuncture and Chinese medicine until my depression got bad again and I took a break from school.

I know you said that you had a bladder procedure, and I'm not sure if your doctor has discussed this with you or diagnosed you post surgery, but from what you are describing (of course I don't know for sure), you may be dealing with interstitial cystitis now, which is inflammation of the bladder that causes urgency and bladder pain. It can happen sometimes after bladder surgeries.

If this is what you have now, there is no cure for it, but fortunately it can definitely be managed, both with traditional medicine and alternative medicine. Acupuncture is one thing that can help with this if you would try the alternative route, we treated this kind of pain in my school's clinic often, but if something like that isn't an option for you, or even if its just not something you want to do, you can help to try to bring down the pain a bit (until you get other treatment) by drinking more water to dilute your urine so it isn't irritating your bladder as much.

I know you probably try to avoid a lot of water so you don't have to pee as much because it probably hurts when you have to go, but if you fill up a large container of water and take small sips throughout the day, it won't hurt as bad because you won't get a large rush of water into your bladder at once, it will be more like a small trickle into your bladder. You want to try to drink enough to make your urine lighter in color so it's not as concentrated, aiming for the color to be very light yellow or almost clear. When it's concentrated (dark yellow) it's more irritating to your bladder, which causes more pain.

Again, I don't know if this is what is happening with you right now, but I wanted to throw this out there and try to give some options since I know you are really struggling. I feel so bad that you are going through this.

I've had IC for years. It was manageable. The procedure was supposed to help but it put me in hell.

If you don't want to die, try anything and everything you can before you make the choice to ctb to end it all. Talk to multiple doctors about your options. Get second, third, fourth opinions on everything. Ask for recommendations. Idk what procedure you've had, but talk to other people who've had it and ask what happened to them. Talk to the surgeon who did this and explain the immense pain it has caused you and if they can't help, ask for recommendations or report them to the board of medicine (I think that's where you report them) because that is unacceptable. Try pain reduction therapy in the meantime; weed, ketamine, holistic treatments, whatever you can find. Just talking to a lot of people about your issues can provide more options than you think. There are plenty of incredibly painful incurable illnesses that people have learned how to manage and live with. I promise there are plenty of options before death. You clearly do not want to die, so don't until you have done all you can. Hold out and fight through that pain because imagine how worth it it will be when the day comes that it is bearable and you can do the things you've wanted to do. Wish you the best <3

I've been trying to find even one other person this happened to over the last six months and I can't find anyone. I've confronted the doctor who did it several times but he says it's not possible it caused this. I can't have weed because it will interfere with my antibiotics. I can't do anything. I don't have any other options. I wish I did.

 

[onlyforever1]

just going to put all my thoughts in here. felt okay today but learned another test has come back negative and I think my doctor is going to cut off my antibiotics next month. I just wish I could have my old life back, it seems so stupid that I spent so much time wanting to die when now I would give anything to just be depressed about being trans or whatever. I can see my field of vision narrowing in front of me. I don't think I'm going to have any choice but to CTB. I really don't want to leave my mom though. I pray every night that god will help me and make me back to the way I was before the procedure n

 

[iwanttodie019]

I bought SN yesterday. I don't want to die. I will miss my mom and my friends and my dad. Dying sounds so lonely. I'm so scared of dying. There are so many things I still wanted to do. I'm so sad it had to turn out like this. I don't want to die but I'm in so much pain and I can't live like this. I don't want to die. I want to see how things turn out. I want to transition and live and see my friend's baby and see so many things. I don't want to die.

how old are you?

 

[onlyforever1]

how old are you?

34

 

[iwanttodie019]

34

from when are you in pain?
(how long?) this uti?

 

[CatLvr]

just going to put all my thoughts in here. felt okay today but learned another test has come back negative and I think my doctor is going to cut off my antibiotics next month. I just wish I could have my old life back, it seems so stupid that I spent so much time wanting to die when now I would give anything to just be depressed about being trans or whatever. I can see my field of vision narrowing in front of me. I don't think I'm going to have any choice but to CTB. I really don't want to leave my mom though. I pray every night that god will help me and make me back to the way I was before the procedure n

I'm glad you had a little bit better day today. I know it's hard when you are worried when the pain is gonna fire back up again but try and enjoy it. At least a little bit.

I, too, will light and candle and ask that you get relief.